Ok. I'm just going to let it all out. Don't continue reading if all you want to read are the "nice and happy" things because this is one major rant I'm about to have.
So I'm feeling extremely jealous and bitter this morning. I'm jealous of all the people who have kids. I'm jealous of all the women who are pregnant. I'm especially jealous of women who already have kids and are pregnant. Don't take it the wrong way - Although I'm happy for them (and I have a couple of friends that have been wanting another child get pregnant - I'm glad that they got their dream come true), I still feel jealous. I'm jealous of all the people who can decide how many kids they want to have to complete their family. I'm jealous of all the people who can decide on just when to conceive and then conceive within a couple of months. I feel left out because the majority of my friends have kids already and can talk baby lingo, and I'm sitting there wondering what Gymboree is.
We're going on almost 15 years trying to conceive. That's a heck of a long time, if you ask me. For the last half of it, we've been going to see doctors. Unfortunately, we wasted two years with the local fertility doctor. So that's why we're here in Denver. We don't want to waste anymore time. We're not getting any younger, and my biological clock is ticking gosh darn it! I know I won't be this fertile forever. Who knows what all the fertility meds are doing to my body. But that's a chance I'm willing to take.
And I'm bitter of those that have kids and then abuse them. I'm so bitter that crack whores can pop out as many babies as they want and they don't even care what the drug does to their babies. It's so not fair!
Is God telling us something? Are we meant not to have any kids? Would we be bad parents? But then, why if God thinks we'd make bad parents, why would He allow others who already are bad parents have more kids? Is it just not time for us yet? If not, then when? We're not getting any younger. Jerry said that when he went to elementary school and his mom would pick him up, he'd be embarassed because people who ask him if that's his grandmother. Maybe this is God's way of karma (should God bless us with a baby)?
And then there are those who ask us the most insensitive question: "Why don't you two just adopt?" Just adopt? How do you 'just adopt'? Do they think adoption is a cure for infertility? Maybe that's their way of trying to help, but unless if you've been through years and years of trying to conceive, shut it! Adoption is not even an option for us now.
Or what about this: "Just relax!" Um, relax? Was the woman who got pregnant as a result of rape or incest relaxed at the time? Besides, for the first half of our marriage, we couldn't be more relaxed. And that's like 7 years of relaxation!
Or this gem: "In God's time." Yeah, it sounds nice and all, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Why did God choose for a teenager to get pregnant? Or a woman who's in the midst of a divorce? Is that God's timing? Is God trying to tell us that it's not time for us yet? If so, I wish He'd give us a sign so we'd stop spending all this money on infertility treatments!! Or maybe he already has and we're not willing to listen? Then why does IVF work for some and not for others?
We've thought about living child-free. Heck, we've sampled it for almost 15 years now, charging our disappointments on high ticket items. It would scare you how much we've spent trying to fill that hole in our heart that only a baby could fill. And that doesn't even include the clinic fees or the meds (tack on about $50K on top of the $50+K we've already spent on the local fertility doctor)! Yup, add it up. Insane, isn't it? All this for what? I'll tell you what. For what the average regular fertile person can achieve for FREE or maybe a cheap bottle of wine!
Seriously, this just sucks.
Done, and Yet, Not Done
10 months ago