Spring cleaning

I was doing some 'spring cleaning', going through my kitchen cabinets, straightening and grouping and alphabetizing the food items. Go ahead and laugh. I know I'm a little overboard with the alphabetizing thing, but I need to have everything in order. I guess I need control over something (as many of you know that when suffering from infertility, the thing that hits the hardest is that there is no control over what seems to be a basic fundamental human function...procreation), and being an over-zealous neat freak is one thing I can control. I was happily going about my business arranging and straightening things, from one cabinet to the next. I didn't even realize where in my kitchen cabinets I was. I was just going through the motions - open cabinet, straighten things, make sure items were in their proper spots, close cabinet, and move onto the next cabinet. So I get to the very far corner cabinet at the top and open it without realizing where I was at or what I had kept in that cabinet. Lo and behold, I was staring at the cabinet contents and couldn't move. In this particular cabinet, I had stored all the meds...not just any meds...but THE meds. From every single cycle. Even way back when to my IUI days. <-- What a joke! Oh and while I'm at it, I might as well fess up that I even kept all the receipts and the notebook of my BBT charts..(Nice to know that I ovulate but what good does that do when the problem is male factor?)... Basically every single thing that had to do with ttc for about 15 years. Anyway...

So there I was just staring at all the meds, and all the memories come flooding back full force. Memories of hope, Jerry giving me the shots, ultrasounds, surgeries, transfers, BFN phone calls, desperation, WTF follow-up appointments, anger, etc. came flooding back to me.

I'm sure those of you who've done IVF at least once know exactly what each item is for. But I'm going to list them for those who haven't just to show all what I was willing to put into my body just for a chance to have what everyone else in the free world can have for FREE.

-- Needles of varying guages, new ones in their unopened packages and old ones in the many red sharps containers

-- Syringes

-- Empty vials of Lupron, Menopur, Follistim, Repronex, Cetrotide, hCG

-- Empty kits

-- Birth control pills (contradictory, huh?)

-- Containers of Clomid, Prometrium, Estrace & Dexamethasone (even have some leftover pills)

-- Crinone gel

-- Climara patches

-- Vivelle patches

I just couldn't toss them. These things represent my life, who I was and still am.

So I closed the cabinet door and moved on...at least for now.

Btw, I would pull out all the meds and put them on my kitchen table and take a pic to post, but I'm not sure if I could get them to fit back in so neatly. Maybe next time.


Result after 3 IVFs, 4 FETs, 63 embryos...(birth & baby mentioned)

As you can tell by the baby ticker above, our baby has arrived!! OMG, I can't believe I just wrote that! After all the heartache that we've went through, I never thought "it" could happen to us. That's something that only happens to other people, not us.

I won't go into detail here on this blog about our birth story, as I know this may be a sensitive subject to some of you. I get that. So I will create another blog that is all about our baby (I will be back later to post the link). And for those that feel up to it to reading it, then great! But if not, it's fine as well. Like I said before, I get what it feels like to still be struggling, chasing after a dream which may or may not come true. I remember all too well waiting patiently for our turn... Our turn at getting the BFP phone call, our turn to finally see two lines on those evil pee sticks, our turn to see and hear our baby's heartbeat, our turn to hold our baby in our loving and waiting arms, our turn at happiness...

Although I am overjoyed (ok, overjoyed can't begin to describe it), I still am dealing with all the emotions from day 1 of ttc. Our journey to parenthood, to finally start living again...It has not come easy, cheap or without debilitating pain, sorrow, and loss. My scars run deep and I will never be the same person I was before all this started. I am changed. Forever. Our baby has brought a sense of healing to some degree. But I will always have a deep, dark hole in my heart for all the babies we have lost. We believe that life begins at conception, so all those embryos that were genetically abnormal and thus discarded (I still have nightmares about what we did)...Well, I know we will have to answer for that one day.

On the outside, I may seem like I have it all together. But when you scratch the surface, you'll see a whole different picture. I didn't do all the things that I had planned on doing when pg, you know all the "normal" things that a pg person does - baby shower, maternity pictures, shopping at Babies-R-Us or in the baby section at Target or Walmart. Instead, I was deep with worry and anxiety - for I know all too well that it- my happiness- could all be taken away from me in an instant. So I didn't really let myself be happy. Even today, I can't allow myself to really enjoy being happy.

I have decided not to close out this blog, as one day we will be back on this road for our 2 no result embryos that are still frozen at CCRM. (It breaks my heart that we can't afford to move to Denver, as I want to be near our frozen embryos.) We cannot abandon them. I'm hoping and praying that at least one of them is normal. However, I'm not sure if I'll cycle again, to try to get at least one known normal to transfer with the 2 no results. I don't know if I can take another BFN. Another factor would be money. We've spent close to $150,000 (no infertility insurance) out-of-pocket to become parents. So in the meantime we'll take some time to try to pay down the credit cards, medical loans, and second mortgage. We can't wait too long, as age is a factor.

So for now, I thank you for keeping up with me on this heartbreaking journey. Thank you for your support, crying with me, venting with me, and understanding. You all have played an instrumental role in my life and will forever be in my heart. I offer you prayers, well wishes, good thoughts ...that your road to parenthood will come true.