So I caved in a did the First Response urine pregnancy test. One line. BFN. Again, that's IVF lingo for big friggin' negative. I did the test right before Mass. I didn't have the heart to tell Jerry, as I didn't want him to feel the same way I feel before church and all through church.

After Mass, as we were walking into Albertsons, I told him. His face just sunk. We were quiet during the whole grocery shopping, each in our own world letting it sink in and deal.

I feel like I'm in a daze. We've just tabbed up the money spent on trying to have a baby (starting with the first IUI back in 1999), and we've just crested the $100,000 mark (we're 100% out-of-pocket).

We are toying with the idea of moving to Denver to get a fresh start. Don't get me wrong. I love our house. I designed it from scratch, and I put my heart and soul into this place. But maybe we need a change of scenery, a new perspective? I wish we could keep this house AND have one in Denver. But we have bills to pay. Know anyone who wants to buy a house?

* cul-de-sac, 1/4 acre lot in a recorded subdivision w/ homeowner's association
* custom built in 1996
* 2,000 sq. ft. brick house on concrete slab
* 2 car garage
* 4/2
* 2x6 walls
* air conditioning system where if you run the air, it'll heat the water so rarely use the hot water heater to have hot water
* 9 ft. ceilings in all rooms, except 12 ft. cathedral in living room, kitchen, and dining room
* Marble wood-burning fireplace
* Brazillian cherrywood in living room and hallways
* Oak hardwood(mosaic pattern in bedrooms)
* new shatter-proof low-e/argon Pella casement windows, 9 lite prairie design, wood casings
* All windows have custom vertical blinds with center split
* Mstr bathroom: travertine tile floors & shower, quartz countertops, cherrywood cabinets, Kohler porcelain sinks, Delta 3 piece faucets, Hansgrohe shower head, garden tub w/ wide stream faucet, separate commode room w/pocket door plus Kohler one-piece toilet, octagonal window in commode room
* 2nd bath: travertine tile floors, quartz countertops, cherrywood cabinets, Kohler porcelain sinks, Delta 3 piece faucets, shower/tub combo, Kohler one-piece toilet, octagonal window
* 8 ft. all-wood French backdoor (Pella) with in-between glass cellular blinds and multi-point lock door handles
* Baldwin lever exterior/interior door handles
* Soffit lights outside
* Gutters w/gutter guards
* sprinkler system with 100% yard coverage
* professionally landscaped yard

We're not greedy. Some money leftover for a downpayment on a new house in Denver would be nice but not necessary.

Nothing is for sure until the beta tomorrow. Maybe the urine test is wrong (hey, it can happen - but it has never happened to me). We're trying to hold out hope, but it is so hard when all we've known is disappointment. I hate this infertility rollercoaster ride from hell. I don't want to ride it anymore. I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I just want to get the blood test over and done with so we can figure out where to go from there. I'm still going to keep taking my meds until they tell me not to. We still have 2 frozen embryos in Denver, and that'll probably be the first thing we do. But we'll have to talk with the doctor first and see what he recommends. He might recommend that we do another fresh cycle and add the frozen embryos with that. I don't know. I'll post the reults of my beta tomorrow.


Erin said...

(((hugs))) praying for a bfp on your beta

Linda said...

Thanks, Erin. But I'm preparing myself for the worst. I guess it's my defense mechanism...or a better way to say it, as we've been in this infertility hell for so long...my coping mechanism. However, I have no complaints with the Denver clinic.