Ultrasound shows that my follies are around 14 mm to 21 mm, with about 11 being mature and about 10 more little ones trying to catch up. The nurse said that I may not get as many eggs as last time, which was 30. My E2 level is only 2192, whereas last time it was 4086 after 12 days of stims. I'm still on the same dosage of meds that I've been on for the past few days. Tomorrow morning, I go back in for another ultrasound and blood work.
I can't help but think what the genetic counselor told us... That there is a possibility that we may not have any normals after CGH testing. Do you know how scary that is? Dr. Schoolcraft hasn't given us the donor sperm speech...yet. But our genetic counselor brought it up at our last meeting. And this evening I finally broke down and cried uncontrollably, shaking and bawling like someone who's lost all her hopes and dreams. This may sound ridiculous, but I feel like I'm mourning the deaths of the children that I will never have. I mean, they don't even exist; and yet, I feel like I've already lost them. How can I feel this way about someone that hasn't even been born? It doesn't make sense. I've had all these hopes and dreams for our future children, and suddenly I feel like someone had taken them all away. I feel robbed.
This is our 3rd and don't know if it will be our final IVF. We've sunk a fortune into trying to conceive. Where do we draw the line? When we're in debt up to our eye balls? I'm afraid we're already there. After 2 IVF/ICSI/PGD cycles and 3 FETs, and this will be our 3rd IVF cycle...when will my body finally say enough is enough? It seems like it's on its way there, as my ovaries aren't cooperating much this time. My mental state is shot all to hell. My happiness seems to depend on the results of the ultrasounds and blood work. I feel like my life isn't my own anymore. IVF has taken over. And if we can't do IVF anymore, what do I have left? Ugh. I hate this!
Done, and Yet, Not Done
4 months ago