Diagnosis: Male factor infertility complicated by DH's Robertsonian Translocation 13;15.
IVF #1 July 2006 (Pensacola, FL) 23 eggs retrieved. 18 fertilized via ICSI. PGD. 8 "normal" embryos. Freeze all cycle due to severe OHSS. Hospitalized for 8 days.
FET #1 November 2006 (Pensacola, FL) Canceled at the last minute (after taking all the meds and shots for about 3 weeks) due to nonsuppression.
FET #2 September 2007 (Pensacola, FL) Transferred 1 female embryo. BFN.
FET #3 November 2007 (Pensacola, FL) Transferred 2 male embryos. BFN.
Decided to change fertlility clinics, so consulted with CCRM in Denver and SIRM in Las Vegas. Chose CCRM and transferred remaining 5 frozen embryos from Pensacola to Denver to have them genetically re-checked. 3 embryos died upon thaw, 1 embryo's genetic test came back inconclusive. 1 embryo normal for chromosomes 13 & 15. Re-froze the one normal embryo and the one inconclusive embryo.
One-day work up at CCRM in April 2008. FSH 7.18, E2 29, AMH 4.3, AFC 35+, genetic testing on me all came back normal. DH's genetic testing came back with 65% of sperm are affected with the unbalanced translocation.
IVF #2 July 2008 (Denver, CO) 30 eggs retrieved. 26 mature. 23 fertilized via ICSI. PGD. 7 embryos normal for chromosomes 13 & 15. 1 embryo made it to freeze. Transferred 2 grade AA blasts. BFN.
IVF #3 November 2008 (Denver, CO) 34 eggs retrieved. 25 mature. 22 fertilized via ICSI. 15 blasts for CGH testing. Results: 8 abnormal & 7 no results. The 7 no results will be thawed, re-biopsied, and re-vitrified; and the cells will be sent for FISH analysis for the translocation. Should get those results by Christmas. UPDATE: 1 blast is normal for 13 & 15 and 1 blast still no result.
FET #4 February 2009 (Denver, CO) Our first ever BFP!! Beta #1 (9dp5dt): 174 !!!!! Beta #2 (11dp5dt): 401 !!!!!
I've had thoughts about this post for quite some time now...Well, ever since my first beta. That's part of the reason why I haven't been posting as much. Although I feel very blessed about the outcome so far for FET #4, there's a big part of me that's still stuck in the bfn mode. I guess I don't know how else to feel. I was so used to failure after failure after failure, I thought that I would be over-the-moon happy when I finally achieved the ever-elusive bfp. Instead, I feel guilty. Let me explain.
For the past 10 years or so, I've received invitations to many baby showers and have even received birth announcements in the mail. Christmastime has always been especially hard. That's when we would receive cutesy Christmas cards with family pictures in them. People even talk about how so and so is pregnant or finally got pregnant after trying for how ever long. Whatever. I always find it amusing how fertiles feel that by telling me that so and so is pregnant, it'd give me hope. Are you kidding me? How would that make me feel better? If only they knew how much it hurt to receive those things in the mail and hear other people's success stories. But I do know. I totally get it. So when I got the bfp, I thought of all my online sisters who are still struggling with infertility. In a way, I'm still in that world. I don't know if I would know how to function any other way. You see, more than 10 years of my life have been wasted dreaming, planning, hoping, fearing, failing, and crying. I've alienated family and lost friends. But now, people expect me to be all "better" after receiving the bfp. But I'm far from being "cured."
I think I might be suffering from some type of PTSD. I don't know. A friend of mine (one of the few that infertility didn't rob me of) suggested that I might need to see a counselor. But where would I find one that specializes in whatever funk I'm in? I wouldn't even know where to start looking...Maybe someone who would really understand the intimate emotions associated with infertility, perhaps having gone through it herself. Maybe I'm "incurable" and that this is what it's like for me. I don't know.