2/23/2009

To POAS or not? That is the question.


First of all, I want to thank everyone for your comments on my posts. You don't know how much it means to me to read all the well wishes. I cannot thank you enough.

I want to go home. For me, this is the worst 2WW ever. There is so much riding on this. I don't know if I can take another BFN. I am being totally serious. I'm afraid that if it doesn't work out this time, it's going to break me for good.

I wanted to POAS last Saturday, which was 5dp5dt; but I decided against it. I didn't want to see a false negative. So I fought the urge to POAS that day. Then I was going to POAS on Sunday. Again, I chickened out. I'm just so scared that I might not see that ever elusive 2nd line. I've never had a positive hpt or beta, and it would just totally destroy me if I saw another negative.

So that leaves today. Can I fight the POAS off another day? I don't know. Today is 7dp5dt. There should be enough hCG to be detected today, right? Yet, I'm just so scared. I've been "holding and saving" my urine this morning and staring at my box of 3 pack First Respone Early Result pregnancy test. Who knows, I might hold off until tomorrow.

My beta isn't until Wednesday. Can I hold off the evil hpt until then? -- Just two more days? Beforehand, I've always tested the day before my beta. I did so because I am such an impatient person. I wanted to know one way or the other. And when I received my BFN call from the nurse, at least I was a little prepared for it. It didn't make it less painful, but I knew what was coming. OMG, I don't want to ever feel that way again.

The main reason I haven't POAS yet is because if it was negative, I wouldn't want to continue on the meds -- 3 Prometrium daily and 4 Vivelle patches every other day. For those paying out-of-pocket, you know how expensive the meds can be. For instance, each Vivelle patch costs roughly $10 a patch. That's $40 every two days. And I've been on the patches ever since January 28th. And in my mind, if I don't see the two lines on the hpt, why would I need to keep dumping money into a failed cycle?

I haven't felt any "symptoms" although I wouldn't know what positive symptoms would be like. Here's the break down:

1dp5dt -- Mild AF-like cramping off and on, body felt very hot. Sore breasts. Urine production more than usual. Nausea.

2p5dt -- Mild AF-like cramping off and on, body felt very hot. Sore breasts. Urine production more than usual. Nausea.

3dp5dt -- Mild cramping off and on, body temp felt hot, like I couldn't regulate my body temperature. Sore breasts off and on.

4dp5dt -- Cramped once in the morning and then no more cramping, body temp felt warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen. Felt bloated in my lower abdomen.

5dp5dt -- No cramping, body temp felt warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen.

6dp5dt -- No cramping, body temp felt warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen. Strong heartbeat. Irritable. Emotional.

7dp5dt -- Ever so lightly "different" cramping once this morning, body temp feels warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen. Irritable.

I have no idea what to think of my "symptoms." I always cramp about a week before AF shows. Aaack!

Oh please God, let there be at least one baby growing in there! I promise that we will be the best parents that we could be, raising our child(ren) to love and serve You! We just need a chance... our child(ren) need(s) a chance... PLEASE...

14 comments:

andrea said...

Twinges are an excellent sign... I know how hard it is to balance your feelings and mood and the temptation of POAS. I hope the Twinges are definitely it and you get the confirmation on a resounding yes... if not today, if not tomorrow than on Wednesday. Best of luck!!!

JJ said...

I am the biggest POAS chicken ever so I won't be egging you on to pee. I'm totally terrified of the sticks. Now, those symptoms do sound promising to me. In my all too brief pregnancy last year I felt mild AF like cramps for a few days after the transfer and then some twinges. Everyone is different though so it's so hard to say. For me it was the urge to pee alot and also the strange and very vivid dreams that made me think something was up.

I really hope so much that this is it for you. Hang in there. Hugs. xxxxx

kayjay said...

Oh Linda - I want this so badly for you both!! I am the complete opposite of you - never POAS before the dreaded phone call and that made it even more dramatic when the phone actually did ring. When I got my BFP last year, the only clue that I had was that AF was late. I am never late. I am like clockwork and when I counted out the 27 days after my last period, I should have gotten AF before the PT and I didn't. Other than that, I remember having to get up to pee all the time at night but that was all. GL!! I am hoping for nothing but the best for you.

elliej said...

Linda, have never got a BFP myself so am no expert on symptoms; I have to say though that yours sound MOST encouraging. I've no advice to you about whether to POAS or not (I always have, much luck it gave me!!) but I will say that I have a good feeling for you and am praying and praying that this will be your turn elliej xxx

Nikki said...

Oh Linda - I've been obsessively stalking you on the "waiting for cgh results" thread on ivfc, praying for your results!

Your symptoms sound good - although prometrium can mimic so many of the pregnancy symptoms that one can never know for sure. However, the body temp, the twinges - all sound good.

I also always POAS the day before beta. That way I'm prepared for the nurse's call.

Good luck in whatever you decide - whether you poas today or tomorrow or not. And most of all, good luck with the outcome! Let this be the BFP you've been waiting so many years for!!

HUGS!

Erin said...

Stay strong, Linda. Back away from the stick!! You can hold out!! GOOD LUCK!

Polly Gamwich said...

Those sound like some great symptoms ... especially the strong heartbeat!

I say CAVE and POAS!!!

How exciting! Good luck Sister!

DAVs said...

I'd totally cave! Your symptoms sound promising to me!
I'm so nervous for you--WANTING THIS SO BADLY FOR YOU!!!

Christi said...

thinking of you...

mlg- believe N miracles said...

I never POAS, I was way too scared. Good luck to you, I have a good feeling for you!

mlg- believe N miracles said...

I never POAS, I was way too scared. Good luck to you, I have a good feeling for you!

momsoon said...

I know how hard the last few days of the 2ww are-man do I know!
It really plays tricks with your mind and emotions!!

I am not a poas-fan anymore- I think you are right- you can get a false negative and then do an emotional nosedive for nothing. The best would be (easier said than done, I know) if you can wait for beta and still be in the PUPO frame of mind...
I will be thinking/praying for good news on Wed...

Jill M. said...

As much as I want to beg you to poas, I can't. I am terrified of those evil sticks and just cannot get myself to pee on them. I do usually cave in the day before beta as I like to be prepared if it is bad news.

Best of luck to you, I pray pray pray that this is it for you!!!

brunettechicagogal said...

I'm thinking of you. Your post made me cry. I know all too well how it feels to get the BFN over and over. I have a good feeling about this one for you, though!