1/09/2009

I'm back...


As you may know, I've taken a hiatus from blogging, as I haven't been "together" enough to post my thoughts and feelings coherently. Everytime I start to blog, I would bawl my eyes out. I find that this past cycle is so hard to "get over". However, I don't think one ever "gets over" a failed cycle. Instead, one finds a way to move on. I guess technically, my last cycle wasn't a failed cycle - but I feel so down in the dumps about it nonetheless. You would think that after 3 IVFs and 3 FETs, I'd be used to this by now. After each cycle, it gets harder and harder for me to cope with the reality of our situation.

My husband and I have been keeping to ourselves lately. It's just so hard, especially pretending that everything is ok and putting on a fake smile for everyone. Christmas was extremely hard. We forced ourselves to go to Mass on Christmas Day, where it seems like everyone has a little one or two or more or they are either expecting. It took everything I had not to cry in the middle of church.

I'll post details of the FISH analysis later, probably tonight if I can stop crying long enough. Right now, I just want to let you all know that I'm having a really, really rough time and to please forgive me for not updating sooner. And I thank you, from the bottom of my infertile heart, for your comments, emails, and PMs. I will get to each and everyone of your blogs and catch up.

12 comments:

Kris said...

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I have been thinking of you tons and glad you see you have returned to "blog world".

Kris

Jill M. said...

Good to see you back in blog world. I've been thinking about you, wondering how you're doing. Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time, same here. Looking forward to your next update. Keep that chin up! Hugs! (morris7024 on IVFConn)

DAVs said...

Linda I'm so so sorry things have been so rough. I wish I could give you a real hug. I wish I could fix all of this for all of us. I am anxious to hear about your FISH report, but know you are dealing with so much emotion right now. BIG HUGS from Austin.

Nikki said...

Linda - I am so sorry things have been rough. I have been really worried about you - as I'm sure have been others.

Take your time, vent as much as you want, holler, rave, rant, scream, shout - we all get it and are right there with you.

Hugs to you - I wish there was a way to fix all of this.

Sue said...

Linda, I am so so sorry. I'll await the details but I'm getting the hint that things aren't very good. I know how you felt over the holidays and I keep thinking now "why do I even let myself get so hopeful?". And, "next time, I'll just take it easy and try to stay laid back" - yeah right. I think we have to have hope otherwise we can't go through this. I will be thinking about you and waiting to hear anything you have to say. Feel free to rant and rave - we all know exactly where it is coming from. You have the right. And, for the first time in many, many years, I skipped church on Christmas - I just couldn't handle it. Hugs.

mlg- believe N miracles said...

I am so sorry things have been so difficult for you. I have been worrying about you and chcking your blog often to see how you are doing.
I am so sorry, I wish it didnt have to be so hard, I wish it didnt hurt so bad, I am here.

kayjay said...

Linda,

My heart is with you. I have been worried about you since you haven't posted in such a long time and I was thinking that things didn't turn out as you had hoped with the FISH analysis. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this had to hit you and so hard right at Christmas. My Mom was giving me grief about not going to midnight Mass again this year and I flat out told her that God and I were not on speaking terms and I was mad at him so I was not going. I would not have had the strength to keep from crying. We're here for you if you need to vent so let it all out when you're ready. I echo what everyone else has been saying. A lot of times when I'm really down I just put on a good tune and let the music sweep everything away (corny I know)...here's one that might fit with how things are right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i934alo8oxk (Somewhere from West Side Story, sung by Katharine McPhee). If nothing else, it is beautifully performed and we all deserve a little beauty in our lives don't we? Hugs - I'm thinking about you.

Andrea said...

I've been worried about you too - as I saw you have not blogged for a while nor have I seen you on IVFConnections... I also haven't had any strength to post there either... just too scared I guess, plus I really don't have an update. Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking and hoping for you.

onemuse said...

I'm so sorry you've been going through a tough time. Sending you a hug through cyberspace.

Don't feel badly about crying in church (Lord knows I did, a lot). Remember Christ is there, sitting next to you, with his arm around you! (Sorry if that sounds corny. :-) )

JJ said...

Welcome back, Linda. It's nice to see you back, but I so wish things were going better for you. Hang in there. We're all here for you.

Hugs,

Annisca from ivfconnections.

Polly Gamwich said...

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I've missed you. I know what it's like to need to hide (I'm doing it now).

I'm just so sorry for what you're going through.

Rebecca said...

I'm so, so sorry. I think we were in Colorado right after you, or maybe we overlapped a little bit. I can relate to every single word of your last few posts. We got our CGH results today, and we're in pretty much the exact same boat - out of 10, six were abnormal and four were "no results." I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. We thought if nothing else, even if we didn't get a baby out of the cycle, at least we'd get an answer. We just didn't expect the answer to be "no result."