10/05/2008

Waiting...

So right now, I am waiting to finish my BCP. You'd think that I'd be used to doing all this waiting, but it never gets easier. Waiting for my cycle to begin. Waiting for the right days to take the tests. Waiting for the results. Waiting for the IVF calendar. Waiting to order the meds. Waiting for the meds to arrive. (And it's like Christmas every time I get my meds package from UPS.) Waiting to start the meds. Waiting for more tests. Waiting to take the last shot - the trigger shot. Waiting for egg retrieval. Waiting for the fertilization report. Waiting for the results of the genetic tests. This time, we're going to be doing CGH and that will take at least 6 long, agonizing weeks for the results. Waiting for my next cycle. Waiting to start the meds. Waiting for more tests. Waiting for the embryo transfer. Waiting for the pregnancy test. And if it's a BFN, then waiting for my cycle to start so I can do this all over again. It seems like the waiting never stops for me, and maybe that's why it's so hard.

Our lives are on hold...every day, every month, every year. Not fully living nor fully dead. For over a decade now, we have been waiting, only to end up right at the beginning every single month. While other people are going on with their lives, enjoying their lives to the fullest...with their children, planning for the future, we are stuck in this holding pattern. Waiting. Always in limbo. We cannot move forward without children, yet we are not ready to give up. So we have no choice but to wait. Waiting to get out of infertility hell and to the land of the living.

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