So it was 17 days ago that we received our official BFN. (Sometimes, it seems like only yesterday.) I've had lots of friends and family ask how we're holding up and what we plan on doing next. So I've decided to post some of the questions, and I'll answer them here.

Q: How are you feeling?
A: Sad, angry, bitter, jealous, disappointed, mourning, lost, lonely, hopeless, despair, scared, depressed, and numb ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Yep, that about sums it up.

Q: How is Jerry?
A: I'm sure he's feeling all those feelings, too. And he's blaming himself.

Q: Are you going to do another IVF cycle?
A: I don't know what we're going to do next. I still can't compose myself enough to even think straight. However, I know that we still have 3 frozen embryos..which we infertiles call 'totsicles' or 'snowbabies'... (well, 2 really because 1 embryo's genetics is questionable). One of the normal embryos has completely hatched, and the embryologist doesn't give it much chance of survival. Think about it - that little embryo has been through a lot already: one biopsy for genetic testing, frozen, transferred from Pensacola to Denver in a nitrogen transport container, thawed, biopsied again for repeat genetic testing, and frozen again and then will be thawed again. The doctor said that the best course of action is to do another full IVF cycle with genetic testing and then freezing all the normal embryos. Then let my body get rid of the hormones and then get gently hormoned up again for a FET cycle. So the option is there for us to do another IVF cycle plus transferring the frozen embryos.

Q: If I were you, I'd just go back for the two frozen embryos and not do another IVF cycle.
A: Yeah, thank you for your advice but you're not me and you already have kids.

Q: What will the doctor do differently should you want to do another IVF cycle?
A: The doctor told me that he'd keep me on the same protocol, as I responded really well. So that means, taking BCP for 21 days. Then take daily Follistim shots in the morning and take daily Menopur shots in the evening. Go to the clinic every morning to have an internal ultrasound and blood work done. When my follicles get to the correct size, I would then start taking daily Cetrotide shots in the afternoon in addition to the Follistim and Menopur shots. So that's 3 shots a day. Oh and all the while, take the Dexamethasone pills before bed every night. And when my follicles have "ripened" I go in for egg retrieval surgery. The day of egg retrieval, I start the Medrol pills once a day, antibiotics twice a day, and Prometrium vaginal suppositories three times a day, Estrace pill once a day, wear 4 Vivelle patches and change them out every other day, baby aspirin once a day, and continue taking the meds until the pregnancy test.

Q: I've read or seen a show of someone who had 5 or 6 babies. Maybe you could try that?
A: I know you're trying to help, but our situation is unique. Ours is a not only male factor (idiopathic oogliosperma) but it's also complicated by a genetic issue. And that woman you read about probably did Clomid (or did injectibles) and didn't have to do IVF. Usually if a woman has that many babies, she probably did meds and/or insemination (IUI). And as a quick note, stories like that don't make me feel better. It just makes me feel more jealous.

Q: Everything was "perfect" with this IVF cycle and it didn't work. Have you thought about adopting? Or why don't you just adopt?
A: If I had a penny for when everytime someone mentions adoption to me, I'd be a gazillionaire...Adoption is not a cure for infertility. I repeat. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. I still produce quality eggs. I have a normal uterus. My hormones are normal. And Jerry still has sperm. As long there is IVF and PGS (pre-implantation screening), there is still that. So my answer is no, adoption is not even on our radar.

There have been a couple people who've suggested adoption to us, more than once. While I know they mean well, it really hurts. Like I said before, adoption is not a cure for infertility. Adoption will not make my pain go away. Adoption is not a replacement for what we can't do naturally. As I still have all my female parts and several doctors report that they're still working properly, I just can't give up trying. My doctor doesn't think that we're a lost cause, and he still has high hopes for us to have our own biological child. And it hurts that you've already given up on us for that. Besides, I will always want/need to experience being pregnant - including morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings, baby's kicking, everything...and even childbirth (as crazy as that may sound).

I have nothing against adoption. I'm just saying that it's not for us.

[And speaking of adoption, it drives me bonkers to hear people say something about adopted children. For instance, I've heard several people ask someone if their child was natural or adopted. Last I checked, all children are natural whether biological or by adoption. Anyway...]

Q:Is there anything I can do? I just don't know what to say.
A: It's ok. There is probably nothing you could say to make it sting any less. But I appreciate you.

There were many more comments, especially about God; but I will leave those off the blog. Maybe I'll include them in another blog, but right now my emotionals are still raw.


Cherylyn said...

All I have for you is my love and friendship. I'll always be here for you. <3

Erin said...

You are right, there is nothing anybody can say or do to take away the pain and hurt of a BFN or of infertility in general. I have two amazing children, and it still hurts. You are totally right that adoption is not a cure, and I'm glad to hear it isn't on your radar right now. Maybe someday, but you have to deal with where you are right now before you go down that path.

I understand if you don't want to hang out with my kiddos right now, but if you want to come down this week I'd love to spend some time with you!