1/04/2010

Result after 3 IVFs, 4 FETs, 63 embryos...(birth & baby mentioned)


As you can tell by the baby ticker above, our baby has arrived!! OMG, I can't believe I just wrote that! After all the heartache that we've went through, I never thought "it" could happen to us. That's something that only happens to other people, not us.

I won't go into detail here on this blog about our birth story, as I know this may be a sensitive subject to some of you. I get that. So I will create another blog that is all about our baby (I will be back later to post the link). And for those that feel up to it to reading it, then great! But if not, it's fine as well. Like I said before, I get what it feels like to still be struggling, chasing after a dream which may or may not come true. I remember all too well waiting patiently for our turn... Our turn at getting the BFP phone call, our turn to finally see two lines on those evil pee sticks, our turn to see and hear our baby's heartbeat, our turn to hold our baby in our loving and waiting arms, our turn at happiness...

Although I am overjoyed (ok, overjoyed can't begin to describe it), I still am dealing with all the emotions from day 1 of ttc. Our journey to parenthood, to finally start living again...It has not come easy, cheap or without debilitating pain, sorrow, and loss. My scars run deep and I will never be the same person I was before all this started. I am changed. Forever. Our baby has brought a sense of healing to some degree. But I will always have a deep, dark hole in my heart for all the babies we have lost. We believe that life begins at conception, so all those embryos that were genetically abnormal and thus discarded (I still have nightmares about what we did)...Well, I know we will have to answer for that one day.

On the outside, I may seem like I have it all together. But when you scratch the surface, you'll see a whole different picture. I didn't do all the things that I had planned on doing when pg, you know all the "normal" things that a pg person does - baby shower, maternity pictures, shopping at Babies-R-Us or in the baby section at Target or Walmart. Instead, I was deep with worry and anxiety - for I know all too well that it- my happiness- could all be taken away from me in an instant. So I didn't really let myself be happy. Even today, I can't allow myself to really enjoy being happy.

I have decided not to close out this blog, as one day we will be back on this road for our 2 no result embryos that are still frozen at CCRM. (It breaks my heart that we can't afford to move to Denver, as I want to be near our frozen embryos.) We cannot abandon them. I'm hoping and praying that at least one of them is normal. However, I'm not sure if I'll cycle again, to try to get at least one known normal to transfer with the 2 no results. I don't know if I can take another BFN. Another factor would be money. We've spent close to $150,000 (no infertility insurance) out-of-pocket to become parents. So in the meantime we'll take some time to try to pay down the credit cards, medical loans, and second mortgage. We can't wait too long, as age is a factor.

So for now, I thank you for keeping up with me on this heartbreaking journey. Thank you for your support, crying with me, venting with me, and understanding. You all have played an instrumental role in my life and will forever be in my heart. I offer you prayers, well wishes, good thoughts ...that your road to parenthood will come true.

6 comments:

Nikki said...

Linda - congratulations! I have often wondered about you, and I'm so glad to see an update from you!

I hope all went well with the delivery, and you and baby are doing well. The picture is adorable!

Congratulations again, and good luck with everything!

((Hugs))

lastchanceivf said...

Oh Linda. I hurt for you that you are still in so much pain. You did nothing wrong through any of this, in my humble opinion. I don't understand why some of us are put through this kind of pain to get to the other side, but I am so happy that you did make it there.

I love the picture!!

The Kyler said...

So So So happy to hear from you! Even though I am still in the IF battle, I still love to read success stories and will gladly follow you on your next blog. IF changes all of us, but don't let it ruin your life. I know I was put through this battle to test my faith and grow me as a Christian. I thank God for this battle because without it I would not be the person I am today. Even though I have some hurts and scars. Everyone has their personal struggles and IF is the one that I have to live with day to day. Hope you take in each day with your miracle and enjoy each minute with him!

Colleen said...

I don't know you, but I just came across your blog. Your story is a true inspiration. Wishing you a million more blessings!

tanyetta said...

Congratulations and many many blessings to you and your beautiful family.

Looking forward to meeting you and your sweet baby boy. WE LOVE babies over here :-)

natural fertility said...

I was so happy for you. Congratulations, you deserve to be happy. Now another journey of your life that you are going to take part. Your being a mother, I know you will be going to be the best mom. In case you have other concerns regarding fertility, I found this site that maybe helpful. http://www.natural-fertility-prescription.com