1st Ultrasound

A couple of days ago, I had my 1st ultrasound appointment. It was at my OB's office. I thought I was there just for the ultrasound, but they did the whole 1st prenatal visit - which got me a little bit upset. I had to give a urine sample, which I didn't mind. But the next part of the visit had both me and Jerry really upset. The nurse practitioner inserted a speculum and took cervical scrapings to check for STD's. I told her that it wasn't necessary, but she did it anyway. Next she gave me a pelvic exam. I was freaking out by this point because I was so afraid that she might hurt the baby in some way. Let's just say she wasn't the most gentle. I had taken such good care of my lower abdomen, not even sleeping on my stomach (I'm a stomach sleeper btw) for fear of hurting something. And here she comes all pressing on my lower abdomen. After she was finished, I was so mad at myself for letting her do that. I should've stopped her, but everything was so quick and I was just so nervous about the ultrasound.

Anyway...

Above is a picture of our little "grain of rice" with a heartrate of 127. Jerry and I both were in tears when we heard the heartbeat on the ultrasound. I usually don't show my emotions in public, but this was the 2nd time that I've cried in public. The first was when we got the bfp phone call and the second was when we heard the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech said that I have a subchorionic hematoma - a small one. Now I know the source of my bleeding. I haven't bled since then though (knock on wood).

I also had bloodwork done that day. My E2 was 1119 and my P4 was 17.7. Because of the bleeding, CCRM wants me to stay on my current dosage of meds. So I'm still on Prometrium suppositories three times a day, one 2mg Estrace tablet daily, and 4 Vivelle patches every other day. I've had to order the meds from Freedom every week now. I wonder what the FedEx person thinks with all these deliveries.

As for how I'm feeling physically, I am severely nauseous. I usually don't do nausea really well in the first place, but this has really drained me. I've been getting only about 4 hours of sleep each night. I have a prescription for Zofran, but I haven't taken it yet. Although I've been told that it's "safe" for pg women, there hasn't been studies that it's actually safe. I'm going to try to hold off as long as I can. Luckily, our insurance covers it so we only have to pay $60 for 12 pills. Compared to fertility meds, it's "cheap" so we're not complaining.

I have another bloodwork next Wednesday to re-check my hormone levels. Hopefully I can be weaned off these meds soon. Then on April 1st, I have an appointment with my OB. So it's another two weeks away. Isn't it funny how my life is always a 2 week wait...

Guilt, it's a funny thing...

I've had thoughts about this post for quite some time now...Well, ever since my first beta. That's part of the reason why I haven't been posting as much. Although I feel very blessed about the outcome so far for FET #4, there's a big part of me that's still stuck in the bfn mode. I guess I don't know how else to feel. I was so used to failure after failure after failure, I thought that I would be over-the-moon happy when I finally achieved the ever-elusive bfp. Instead, I feel guilty. Let me explain.

For the past 10 years or so, I've received invitations to many baby showers and have even received birth announcements in the mail. Christmastime has always been especially hard. That's when we would receive cutesy Christmas cards with family pictures in them. People even talk about how so and so is pregnant or finally got pregnant after trying for how ever long. Whatever. I always find it amusing how fertiles feel that by telling me that so and so is pregnant, it'd give me hope. Are you kidding me? How would that make me feel better? If only they knew how much it hurt to receive those things in the mail and hear other people's success stories. But I do know. I totally get it. So when I got the bfp, I thought of all my online sisters who are still struggling with infertility. In a way, I'm still in that world. I don't know if I would know how to function any other way. You see, more than 10 years of my life have been wasted dreaming, planning, hoping, fearing, failing, and crying. I've alienated family and lost friends. But now, people expect me to be all "better" after receiving the bfp. But I'm far from being "cured."

I think I might be suffering from some type of PTSD. I don't know. A friend of mine (one of the few that infertility didn't rob me of) suggested that I might need to see a counselor. But where would I find one that specializes in whatever funk I'm in? I wouldn't even know where to start looking...Maybe someone who would really understand the intimate emotions associated with infertility, perhaps having gone through it herself. Maybe I'm "incurable" and that this is what it's like for me. I don't know.

Update

My nurse finally called me this evening. She said that Dr. Schoolcraft isn't concerned about the spotting or the E2 level. But if it would make me feel better, I could take one Estrace pill orally at bedtime. Then my next hormone check (E2 and P4) will be next Tuesday, same day as the ultrasound.

So the nurse called my pharmacy but they didn't have the name brand in stock but could get it by tomorrow. The prescription said name brand preferred, so Jerry had to call around to several different pharmacies and finally lucked out. So I start taking the Estrace pills tonight. I've taken the pills before - for FETs 1 through 3. I don't remember having any adverse reactions, but then I've never been pg while taking them. We'll see.

As for the spotting, I'm still having a little bit of brownish spotting (sorry, tmi I know). It freaks me out every single time. But other ladies on the boards I visit have had similar spotting (some much worse) and had a good outcome. So that's reassuring.

We're still taking it one step at a time, as that's all we can do right now. Thank you all for your prayers and positive vibes and support. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I will continue to keep ya'll in my prayers and hope for the best for each and everyone of you.

6 Week update

I apologize for the hiatus, but I just haven't been on my computer. I've been using only the cell phone for my Internet stuff. Anyway...

I am 6 weeks pregnant today! It still seems so surreal to me. Ever since my nurse told us how far along we were (at 4 weeks 2 days), Jerry has woken up every morning and exclaimed how far along we are and then he kisses my belly. Awww. Jerry has been doing everything, and I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g... Cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, grocery shopping, you name it he did it. He wouldn't let me lift a finger. The only thing I've been doing is being a lazy lump on a log. Whenever I get up, he asks me, "What are you doing?" or "What do you need? I'll get it for you." He's so good to me. What more could a girl want? I won't go into the mushy mode... lol

Here are some milestones that are going on with the baby this week:

The head, tail, and arm buds are easily recognizable.
The optic vesicles and lenses form.
Limb buds are present.
The earliest form of the liver, pancreas, lungs, thyroid gland, and heart appear.
Blood circulation is well established. The heart bulges from the body.
The cerebral brain hemispheres are enlarging.
In the stomach area, the primary intestinal loop is present.
At this time, the baby weighs 1/1,000 of an ounce and is a quarter of an inch long.

Amazing, isn't it?

Anyway, onto the update on me...

Last Wednesday, I had my 1st hormone check after the first beta. My E2 was 1500 (they want over 300) and P4 was 9.8 (they want over 6). I was told to stay on the 4 Vivelle patches every other day and Prometrium suppositories three times a day.

Last Thursday, I got the results of my 3rd hyper-coag panel. It wasn't the full panel, as they only re-tested the ones that came back abnormal (November '08) and then normal (January '09) for Protein-S and Plasminogen. So this third time (February '09) was going to be the tie-breaker, so to speak. The tests came back normal, with the Protein-S level at 103 (the norm is 58 - 150) and Plasminogen at 123 (the norm is 78 - 130). So it looks like I don't have to be on Lovenox, although I would gladly take it if need be.

This morning, I went for my 2nd hormone check. My E2 is 662 and P4 is 9.5. I am concerned about the big drop in my E2 level. That's a big drop, at least to me, to go from 1500 to 662 in one week without changing anything. As if I didn't have enough to worry about, this afternoon I started some brownish spotting. It's not much, but being the TP obsessor that I am, it's noticeable. Tomorrow, my nurse is going to discuss with Dr. Schoolcraft and call me back. I'm anxious to hear back from her.

I'm trying to remain calm, but it's so hard. We're just taking it one step at a time. Tomorrow, I'm looking forward to getting a call from my nurse. Then we'll know what's next (add more estrogen meds, another hormone check, etc.). My ultrasound is scheduled for March 17th - St. Patrick's Day. Hopefully, it'll be a lucky day for us. We need to hear at least one set of heart beat. Grow baby/babies grow. Mommy and Daddy love you and need you to grow. Please!!