Empty Vessel

Spring cleaning

2010-03-24T17:41:00.020-05:00

I was doing some 'spring cleaning', going through my kitchen cabinets, straightening and grouping and alphabetizing the food items. Go ahead and laugh. I know I'm a little overboard with the alphabetizing thing, but I need to have everything in order. I guess I need control over something (as many of you know that when suffering from infertility, the thing that hits the hardest is that there is no control over what seems to be a basic fundamental human function...procreation), and being an over-zealous neat freak is one thing I can control. I was happily going about my business arranging and straightening things, from one cabinet to the next. I didn't even realize where in my kitchen cabinets I was. I was just going through the motions - open cabinet, straighten things, make sure items were in their proper spots, close cabinet, and move onto the next cabinet. So I get to the very far corner cabinet at the top and open it without realizing where I was at or what I had kept in that cabinet. Lo and behold, I was staring at the cabinet contents and couldn't move. In this particular cabinet, I had stored all the meds...not just any meds...but THE meds. From every single cycle. Even way back when to my IUI days. <-- What a joke! Oh and while I'm at it, I might as well fess up that I even kept all the receipts and the notebook of my BBT charts..(Nice to know that I ovulate but what good does that do when the problem is male factor?)... Basically every single thing that had to do with ttc for about 15 years. Anyway...

So there I was just staring at all the meds, and all the memories come flooding back full force. Memories of hope, Jerry giving me the shots, ultrasounds, surgeries, transfers, BFN phone calls, desperation, WTF follow-up appointments, anger, etc. came flooding back to me.

I'm sure those of you who've done IVF at least once know exactly what each item is for. But I'm going to list them for those who haven't just to show all what I was willing to put into my body just for a chance to have what everyone else in the free world can have for FREE.

-- Needles of varying guages, new ones in their unopened packages and old ones in the many red sharps containers

-- Syringes

-- Empty vials of Lupron, Menopur, Follistim, Repronex, Cetrotide, hCG

-- Empty kits

-- Birth control pills (contradictory, huh?)

-- Containers of Clomid, Prometrium, Estrace & Dexamethasone (even have some leftover pills)

-- Crinone gel

-- Climara patches

-- Vivelle patches

I just couldn't toss them. These things represent my life, who I was and still am.

So I closed the cabinet door and moved on...at least for now.

Btw, I would pull out all the meds and put them on my kitchen table and take a pic to post, but I'm not sure if I could get them to fit back in so neatly. Maybe next time.

Result after 3 IVFs, 4 FETs, 63 embryos...(birth & baby mentioned)

2010-01-04T07:14:00.042-06:00

As you can tell by the baby ticker above, our baby has arrived!! OMG, I can't believe I just wrote that! After all the heartache that we've went through, I never thought "it" could happen to us. That's something that only happens to other people, not us.

I won't go into detail here on this blog about our birth story, as I know this may be a sensitive subject to some of you. I get that. So I will create another blog that is all about our baby (I will be back later to post the link). And for those that feel up to it to reading it, then great! But if not, it's fine as well. Like I said before, I get what it feels like to still be struggling, chasing after a dream which may or may not come true. I remember all too well waiting patiently for our turn... Our turn at getting the BFP phone call, our turn to finally see two lines on those evil pee sticks, our turn to see and hear our baby's heartbeat, our turn to hold our baby in our loving and waiting arms, our turn at happiness...

Although I am overjoyed (ok, overjoyed can't begin to describe it), I still am dealing with all the emotions from day 1 of ttc. Our journey to parenthood, to finally start living again...It has not come easy, cheap or without debilitating pain, sorrow, and loss. My scars run deep and I will never be the same person I was before all this started. I am changed. Forever. Our baby has brought a sense of healing to some degree. But I will always have a deep, dark hole in my heart for all the babies we have lost. We believe that life begins at conception, so all those embryos that were genetically abnormal and thus discarded (I still have nightmares about what we did)...Well, I know we will have to answer for that one day.

On the outside, I may seem like I have it all together. But when you scratch the surface, you'll see a whole different picture. I didn't do all the things that I had planned on doing when pg, you know all the "normal" things that a pg person does - baby shower, maternity pictures, shopping at Babies-R-Us or in the baby section at Target or Walmart. Instead, I was deep with worry and anxiety - for I know all too well that it- my happiness- could all be taken away from me in an instant. So I didn't really let myself be happy. Even today, I can't allow myself to really enjoy being happy.

I have decided not to close out this blog, as one day we will be back on this road for our 2 no result embryos that are still frozen at CCRM. (It breaks my heart that we can't afford to move to Denver, as I want to be near our frozen embryos.) We cannot abandon them. I'm hoping and praying that at least one of them is normal. However, I'm not sure if I'll cycle again, to try to get at least one known normal to transfer with the 2 no results. I don't know if I can take another BFN. Another factor would be money. We've spent close to $150,000 (no infertility insurance) out-of-pocket to become parents. So in the meantime we'll take some time to try to pay down the credit cards, medical loans, and second mortgage. We can't wait too long, as age is a factor.

So for now, I thank you for keeping up with me on this heartbreaking journey. Thank you for your support, crying with me, venting with me, and understanding. You all have played an instrumental role in my life and will forever be in my heart. I offer you prayers, well wishes, good thoughts ...that your road to parenthood will come true.

The final two week wait

2009-10-16T20:16:00.030-05:00

Today, I am 37w2d pregnant! It been like forever since I've blogged. I've had a really rough time with this pregnancy. That's why I haven't been updating. I appreciate all of your concern and I feel badly for not updating you all.

The last time I posted, I was extremely nauseous. Guess what - Nothing has changed. Zofran is still my best friend. ha ha Because of of the constant nausea, I haven't been able to eat much. As a consequence, I've lost about 25 lbs. Normally, I'd be thrilled. What woman wouldn't want to lose a few pounds, right? But not during pregnancy. Thankfully, my weight has steadied toward the end of the second trimester.

In addition to the nausea, we found out that we have marginal cord insertion. That's when the umbilical cord is at the edge of the placenta. When I had the bleed early on (at around 6 weeks pg), the placenta must've hit a big artery when it was digging in. And when the placenta hit the artery, it stopped growing in that direction and started growing in the opposite direction. So the umbilical cord is left at the edge of the placenta. The reason that both my OB and perinatologist are a bit concerned is that the umbilical cord might not be as firmly planted as if it was in the center of the placenta. And there might've possibly been some issues with the umbilical cord not passing on enough nutrients to the baby or the umbilical cord detaching (worse case scenario). My doctors have been keeping a close eye on me and the baby. I've been seeing the OB every week and the peri about every three or four weeks.

Earlier this week, during my 36w5d peri appointment, it was discovered that the baby measured in the 37th percentile (6 lbs 3 oz) so he's a little on the small side. Oh did I mention that we're having a boy!!!! Anyway, the ultrasound also revealed that I had low amniotic fluid. Jerry and I both freaked out. My peri said that it could be caused by a few things, including dehydration or the placenta not functioning as well. All I heard was the latter, so we started freaking out. Thankfully for my sanity, I had an appointment with my OB a couple of days later. So on Tuesday, I've been keeping track of my water intake more diligently. Jerry would give me water and keep track of how much I've been drinking.

At my OB appointment last Wednesday (37w), we spoke with her about our concerns. So she gave us "the works" - cervical check, fetal monitor, and biophysical profile (BPP). My cervix has thinned, which is normal at this stage of the pregnancy. I was put on the fetal monitor, and everything was normal. The baby wasn't moving that much, so I stayed on the monitor for a really long time. I didn't mind though. There's something about hearing his beautiful heartbeat (really sounds like horses galloping) that puts my mind at ease. Then my OB did the BPP and saw that the amniotic fluid was within the normal range and gave me a score of 8 out of 10. So maybe I was a little dehydrated. My OB wanted me to have another BPP the next day (last Thursday) and then two more next week.

So yesterday, I had my BPP at my OB's office. The baby measured in at 6 lbs 12 oz. I'm not sure if the baby grew that much or maybe just a different person doing the measuring (peri's ultrasound tech vs OB's ultrasound tech). The amniotic fluid was still within the normal range. And the umbilical cord blood flow was good as well. Whew!

This has been a long, rough, and lonely road. I don't feel like we've beat infertility. We'll always be infertile. Instead, we're one of the lucky ones that found a way to by-pass it. This baby "saved" us. Not in the sense of "saving" us as a couple (we've become closer than ever through this struggle) but "saving" us in another sense. We were both at the end of our ropes, not knowing how to get past the feeling of loneliness, despair, hopelessness. That's all we knew for the past 10 years. And now, we look forward to starting another chapter in our life. I am planning on starting another blog, as I don't think "Empty Vessel" applies anymore. But I will let you all know!

Thank you for keeping up with me and for all of your support! You have been there for me during my lowest point. I wish you all the best and may each & everyone of you receive your miracle baby(ies) one day!!!

9w6d update

2009-04-07T18:24:00.015-05:00

As you can tell by the above picture, I am extremely nauseous. The nausea started at 6w1d, and I am exhausted. Ok, first of all, let me say that the term morning sickness is misleading. I'm having ALL day and night sickness. This, by far, has been the hardest on my physically. I pant when I breathe. My heart rate has been hovering around 51 bpm when my DH takes it at home (my usual heart rate is around 60). However, my pulse is still strong. My blood pressure has been hovering around 110/70.

I'm supposed to be eating 2200 calories a day, but I'm lucky to get at least 500 calories. I've tried all the typical remedies, including crackers and ginger ale. Nothing helps. My OB prescribed me Zofran, but I'm hesitant to take it as it's a Class B drug. I'm on Neevo, a prescription prenatal vitamin. I'm also on Folgard (for the MTHFR). And DHA, which is over-the-counter. And I'm still on baby aspirin.

I'm experiencing new things with my body. The first thing that I noticed, during my 2WW, is sore boobs. I'm 9w6d today, and they're still very sore and they're, um, a bit bigger. lol I've also been urinating quite often. I've been having round ligament pains and mild cramping every now and then. I'm bloated most of the time. I'm irregular, despite trying to eat foods high in fiber. I have insomnia, only getting about 4 hours of sleep.

CCRM is in the process of weaning me off my meds. As of yesterday, I'm down to one Vivelle patch every other day and 1 Prometrium suppository daily. I go in for another blood work this Thursday. Perhaps when I'm off these meds, my nausea will subside.

1st Ultrasound

2009-03-19T10:21:00.007-05:00

A couple of days ago, I had my 1st ultrasound appointment. It was at my OB's office. I thought I was there just for the ultrasound, but they did the whole 1st prenatal visit - which got me a little bit upset. I had to give a urine sample, which I didn't mind. But the next part of the visit had both me and Jerry really upset. The nurse practitioner inserted a speculum and took cervical scrapings to check for STD's. I told her that it wasn't necessary, but she did it anyway. Next she gave me a pelvic exam. I was freaking out by this point because I was so afraid that she might hurt the baby in some way. Let's just say she wasn't the most gentle. I had taken such good care of my lower abdomen, not even sleeping on my stomach (I'm a stomach sleeper btw) for fear of hurting something. And here she comes all pressing on my lower abdomen. After she was finished, I was so mad at myself for letting her do that. I should've stopped her, but everything was so quick and I was just so nervous about the ultrasound.

Anyway...

Above is a picture of our little "grain of rice" with a heartrate of 127. Jerry and I both were in tears when we heard the heartbeat on the ultrasound. I usually don't show my emotions in public, but this was the 2nd time that I've cried in public. The first was when we got the bfp phone call and the second was when we heard the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech said that I have a subchorionic hematoma - a small one. Now I know the source of my bleeding. I haven't bled since then though (knock on wood).

I also had bloodwork done that day. My E2 was 1119 and my P4 was 17.7. Because of the bleeding, CCRM wants me to stay on my current dosage of meds. So I'm still on Prometrium suppositories three times a day, one 2mg Estrace tablet daily, and 4 Vivelle patches every other day. I've had to order the meds from Freedom every week now. I wonder what the FedEx person thinks with all these deliveries.

As for how I'm feeling physically, I am severely nauseous. I usually don't do nausea really well in the first place, but this has really drained me. I've been getting only about 4 hours of sleep each night. I have a prescription for Zofran, but I haven't taken it yet. Although I've been told that it's "safe" for pg women, there hasn't been studies that it's actually safe. I'm going to try to hold off as long as I can. Luckily, our insurance covers it so we only have to pay $60 for 12 pills. Compared to fertility meds, it's "cheap" so we're not complaining.

I have another bloodwork next Wednesday to re-check my hormone levels. Hopefully I can be weaned off these meds soon. Then on April 1st, I have an appointment with my OB. So it's another two weeks away. Isn't it funny how my life is always a 2 week wait...

Guilt, it's a funny thing...

2009-03-16T05:37:00.034-05:00

I've had thoughts about this post for quite some time now...Well, ever since my first beta. That's part of the reason why I haven't been posting as much. Although I feel very blessed about the outcome so far for FET #4, there's a big part of me that's still stuck in the bfn mode. I guess I don't know how else to feel. I was so used to failure after failure after failure, I thought that I would be over-the-moon happy when I finally achieved the ever-elusive bfp. Instead, I feel guilty. Let me explain.

For the past 10 years or so, I've received invitations to many baby showers and have even received birth announcements in the mail. Christmastime has always been especially hard. That's when we would receive cutesy Christmas cards with family pictures in them. People even talk about how so and so is pregnant or finally got pregnant after trying for how ever long. Whatever. I always find it amusing how fertiles feel that by telling me that so and so is pregnant, it'd give me hope. Are you kidding me? How would that make me feel better? If only they knew how much it hurt to receive those things in the mail and hear other people's success stories. But I do know. I totally get it. So when I got the bfp, I thought of all my online sisters who are still struggling with infertility. In a way, I'm still in that world. I don't know if I would know how to function any other way. You see, more than 10 years of my life have been wasted dreaming, planning, hoping, fearing, failing, and crying. I've alienated family and lost friends. But now, people expect me to be all "better" after receiving the bfp. But I'm far from being "cured."

I think I might be suffering from some type of PTSD. I don't know. A friend of mine (one of the few that infertility didn't rob me of) suggested that I might need to see a counselor. But where would I find one that specializes in whatever funk I'm in? I wouldn't even know where to start looking...Maybe someone who would really understand the intimate emotions associated with infertility, perhaps having gone through it herself. Maybe I'm "incurable" and that this is what it's like for me. I don't know.

Update

2009-03-12T21:43:00.008-05:00

My nurse finally called me this evening. She said that Dr. Schoolcraft isn't concerned about the spotting or the E2 level. But if it would make me feel better, I could take one Estrace pill orally at bedtime. Then my next hormone check (E2 and P4) will be next Tuesday, same day as the ultrasound.

So the nurse called my pharmacy but they didn't have the name brand in stock but could get it by tomorrow. The prescription said name brand preferred, so Jerry had to call around to several different pharmacies and finally lucked out. So I start taking the Estrace pills tonight. I've taken the pills before - for FETs 1 through 3. I don't remember having any adverse reactions, but then I've never been pg while taking them. We'll see.

As for the spotting, I'm still having a little bit of brownish spotting (sorry, tmi I know). It freaks me out every single time. But other ladies on the boards I visit have had similar spotting (some much worse) and had a good outcome. So that's reassuring.

We're still taking it one step at a time, as that's all we can do right now. Thank you all for your prayers and positive vibes and support. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I will continue to keep ya'll in my prayers and hope for the best for each and everyone of you.

6 Week update

2009-03-11T19:39:00.013-05:00

I apologize for the hiatus, but I just haven't been on my computer. I've been using only the cell phone for my Internet stuff. Anyway...

I am 6 weeks pregnant today! It still seems so surreal to me. Ever since my nurse told us how far along we were (at 4 weeks 2 days), Jerry has woken up every morning and exclaimed how far along we are and then he kisses my belly. Awww. Jerry has been doing everything, and I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g... Cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, grocery shopping, you name it he did it. He wouldn't let me lift a finger. The only thing I've been doing is being a lazy lump on a log. Whenever I get up, he asks me, "What are you doing?" or "What do you need? I'll get it for you." He's so good to me. What more could a girl want? I won't go into the mushy mode... lol

Here are some milestones that are going on with the baby this week:

The head, tail, and arm buds are easily recognizable.
The optic vesicles and lenses form.
Limb buds are present.
The earliest form of the liver, pancreas, lungs, thyroid gland, and heart appear.
Blood circulation is well established. The heart bulges from the body.
The cerebral brain hemispheres are enlarging.
In the stomach area, the primary intestinal loop is present.
At this time, the baby weighs 1/1,000 of an ounce and is a quarter of an inch long.

Amazing, isn't it?

Anyway, onto the update on me...

Last Wednesday, I had my 1st hormone check after the first beta. My E2 was 1500 (they want over 300) and P4 was 9.8 (they want over 6). I was told to stay on the 4 Vivelle patches every other day and Prometrium suppositories three times a day.

Last Thursday, I got the results of my 3rd hyper-coag panel. It wasn't the full panel, as they only re-tested the ones that came back abnormal (November '08) and then normal (January '09) for Protein-S and Plasminogen. So this third time (February '09) was going to be the tie-breaker, so to speak. The tests came back normal, with the Protein-S level at 103 (the norm is 58 - 150) and Plasminogen at 123 (the norm is 78 - 130). So it looks like I don't have to be on Lovenox, although I would gladly take it if need be.

This morning, I went for my 2nd hormone check. My E2 is 662 and P4 is 9.5. I am concerned about the big drop in my E2 level. That's a big drop, at least to me, to go from 1500 to 662 in one week without changing anything. As if I didn't have enough to worry about, this afternoon I started some brownish spotting. It's not much, but being the TP obsessor that I am, it's noticeable. Tomorrow, my nurse is going to discuss with Dr. Schoolcraft and call me back. I'm anxious to hear back from her.

I'm trying to remain calm, but it's so hard. We're just taking it one step at a time. Tomorrow, I'm looking forward to getting a call from my nurse. Then we'll know what's next (add more estrogen meds, another hormone check, etc.). My ultrasound is scheduled for March 17th - St. Patrick's Day. Hopefully, it'll be a lucky day for us. We need to hear at least one set of heart beat. Grow baby/babies grow. Mommy and Daddy love you and need you to grow. Please!!

My 2nd Beta is...

2009-02-27T22:56:00.010-06:00

401 !!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you GOD!! That's a little more than double the 174 from Wednesday!!! Goodness!...Is this really happening???? I keep telling Jerry that it feels so surreal. He has to keep reminding me that it's definitely SO REAL. All these years of saying 'congratulations' to others, it feels so strange to be on the receiving end. I'm still having a little bit of trouble actually letting myself feel totally happy. I guess I'm going to have to allow myself to feel totally happy. That may take some time, especially after all these years of heartache.

For years and years, I've always bought the EPT brand of hpts. And every single time, that evil pee stick laughs and says "As if!" So today after the blood draw, we went to the Target near CCRM and bought an EPT. But I didn't use it until after I got the 2nd beta phone call. I wanted to make sure that this time, I'm going to beat it. And I did! I finally saw the POSITIVE sign!!

I know we've still got more hurdles to jump, but this is the furthest we've ever gotten. I don't know if I can ever feel like I've "crossed over" to the other side, as our struggle with infertility has been so long and painful. This is a whole new feeling, a feeling I've never felt before. So it's going to take some time to get used to it.

When Jerry and I were at the clinic this morning, I whispered to him, "This is the place that miracles happen." And he whispers back, "That's right." And then we said a little prayer for everyone going to CCRM and other clinics, that they get their miracles too. I want to say a special "Hi" to a lady I met in person at CCRM this morning. "G" came up to me and congratulated me on my bfp and let me know that she reads my blog. I was so touched, and I wish her much success! (And everyone that is struggling this horrible disease.)

We'll be leaving early tomorrow morning to head back home, so I will catch up with everyone's blogs as soon as I can. I will close this post by THANKING each and everyone of you for your comments and congratulations!! Ya'll don't know how much it means to me reading each congratulations comment.

After 3 IVF/ICSI/PGD-FISH-CGH & 4 FETs....

2009-02-25T14:19:00.008-06:00

CCRM nurse: Hello. Is this Jerry?

Jerry: Yes.

CCRM nurse: Hi. This is Jen.

Jerry: Hi Jen. How are you?

CCRM nurse: Fine. I just wanted to call and tell you congratulations!

Jerry: What? Congratulations?

CCRM nurse: Yes, congratulations.

Jerry: Seriously?

CCRM nurse: Yes. It is positive. We look for 50. And Linda's number is 174.

Jerry: 174?

CCRM nurse: Yes, 174. I wanted to call you as soon as I had the results. We are still waiting on her progesterone. So continue meds as scheuled.

Jerry: Thank you!

To POAS or not? That is the question.

2009-02-23T09:52:00.015-06:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your comments on my posts. You don't know how much it means to me to read all the well wishes. I cannot thank you enough.

I want to go home. For me, this is the worst 2WW ever. There is so much riding on this. I don't know if I can take another BFN. I am being totally serious. I'm afraid that if it doesn't work out this time, it's going to break me for good.

I wanted to POAS last Saturday, which was 5dp5dt; but I decided against it. I didn't want to see a false negative. So I fought the urge to POAS that day. Then I was going to POAS on Sunday. Again, I chickened out. I'm just so scared that I might not see that ever elusive 2nd line. I've never had a positive hpt or beta, and it would just totally destroy me if I saw another negative.

So that leaves today. Can I fight the POAS off another day? I don't know. Today is 7dp5dt. There should be enough hCG to be detected today, right? Yet, I'm just so scared. I've been "holding and saving" my urine this morning and staring at my box of 3 pack First Respone Early Result pregnancy test. Who knows, I might hold off until tomorrow.

My beta isn't until Wednesday. Can I hold off the evil hpt until then? -- Just two more days? Beforehand, I've always tested the day before my beta. I did so because I am such an impatient person. I wanted to know one way or the other. And when I received my BFN call from the nurse, at least I was a little prepared for it. It didn't make it less painful, but I knew what was coming. OMG, I don't want to ever feel that way again.

The main reason I haven't POAS yet is because if it was negative, I wouldn't want to continue on the meds -- 3 Prometrium daily and 4 Vivelle patches every other day. For those paying out-of-pocket, you know how expensive the meds can be. For instance, each Vivelle patch costs roughly $10 a patch. That's $40 every two days. And I've been on the patches ever since January 28th. And in my mind, if I don't see the two lines on the hpt, why would I need to keep dumping money into a failed cycle?

I haven't felt any "symptoms" although I wouldn't know what positive symptoms would be like. Here's the break down:

1dp5dt -- Mild AF-like cramping off and on, body felt very hot. Sore breasts. Urine production more than usual. Nausea.

2p5dt -- Mild AF-like cramping off and on, body felt very hot. Sore breasts. Urine production more than usual. Nausea.

3dp5dt -- Mild cramping off and on, body temp felt hot, like I couldn't regulate my body temperature. Sore breasts off and on.

4dp5dt -- Cramped once in the morning and then no more cramping, body temp felt warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen. Felt bloated in my lower abdomen.

5dp5dt -- No cramping, body temp felt warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen.

6dp5dt -- No cramping, body temp felt warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen. Strong heartbeat. Irritable. Emotional.

7dp5dt -- Ever so lightly "different" cramping once this morning, body temp feels warmer than usual. Twinges in my lower abdomen. Irritable.

I have no idea what to think of my "symptoms." I always cramp about a week before AF shows. Aaack!

Oh please God, let there be at least one baby growing in there! I promise that we will be the best parents that we could be, raising our child(ren) to love and serve You! We just need a chance... our child(ren) need(s) a chance... PLEASE...

I'm PUPO with triplets!

2009-02-17T11:50:00.009-06:00

Yesterday was a good day!

All 3 of our blasts not only survived the thaw but also re-expanded "beautifully" according to our RE and embryologist. The doctor was pleasantly surprised with one of them - July '06 (the one from Pensacola that was biopsied twice and frozen with two different methods). If you look at the pic above, we have one blast from each of the IVF cycles. The blast on the bottom right is from the July '06 IVF/ICSI/PGD-FISH cycle in Pensacola, FL. That em-baby has been through one biopsy on Day 3, frozen the old-fashioned way (slow freeze), shipped from Pensacola to Denver, thawed, re-biopsied, vitrified (flash freeze), and thawed a third time for transfer. The blast on the top is from the July '08 IVF/ICSI/PGD-FISH cycle at CCRM. This em-baby has been through the least of the three: biopsy on Day 3, vitrified, and thawed for transfer. The blast on the bottom left is from my latest cycle - the November '08 IVF/ICSI/CGH/PGD-FISH cycle at CCRM. This em-baby has been through biopsy on Day 5, vitrified, thawed, re-biopsied, vitrified, and thawed again for the transfer.

The ET (embryo transfer) went well. I decided to try acupuncture before and after ET. What's $225 in the whole scheme of things? Besides, that's the only thing that we haven't tried, and I'm a bit desperate here. Ok, I'm a lot desperate. Anyway... It wasn't as bad as I thought. The acupuncture session took place in the same room as the ET. There was soft, soothing music playing in the background. The acupuncturist was very nice and talked me through the whole process. She told me to inhale as she placed the hollow tube that held the acupuncture needle on my skin and to give a quick blow as she tapped the needle in my skin. She put two needles in my right ear and then she went onto do the left ear. Then she put a needle on the top of my head. Next, she moved onto putting two needles in my abdomen, to the left and right of just below the belly button. Then she put one needle in the middle of each calf. Then she moved onto the top of the feet. After she inserted each needle, she gave it a quick twist. She left for about 15 minutes or so and then came back to give the needles another twist before leaving again. Then she came back and took out the needles. She would return to do another session right after the transfer.

The ultrasound tech then came in to check the fullness of my bladder. For the past few days, I've been having to urinate a lot. I haven't changed the amount of liquid I've been drinking, so maybe it's due to the Prometrium. I don't know. But I didn't need to drink but a few sips of water before my bladder was full.

Dr. Schoolcraft peeked in and told us the good news about the embryos. We have blasts representative of three development stages. The November '08 em-baby is encased in the zona pellucida (shell). You can just barely see the halo surrounding the blast. The July '08 em-baby is in the process of hatching out of the shell. The July '06 em-baby is completely hatched. Then he proceeded to get me prepped for the transfer. Then the embryologist came in, and we got to see the embryos on the monitor. Jerry asked if he could take a picture of the monitor if the flash was turned off. And that's the pic that you see on the top of this post - our three beautiful em-babies. The ET was over in like 5 minutes or so. Dr. Schoolcraft gave us a good prognosis of getting pregnant with a 1% chance of triplets and 25% of twins.

There's a verse in the Bible that I've been taking to heart lately. It's from Mark 11:24. "Therefore, I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours."

So for now, I'm going to believe that I'm PUPO with triplets - That is Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise with triplets!!

Please dear God, I'll do anything...

FET #4 - Update

2009-02-03T19:35:00.009-06:00

Jerry is an expert at giving me the shots by now. I just can't do it myself. There is something within me that is preventing me from sticking myself with a needle. I've already had to order another Lupron kit. What's another $600 in the grand scheme of things, right? It's not even a drop in the bucket of what we've already spent. Anyway... Here's what my FET schedule looks like so far:

January 11th - Almost Positive OPK.
January 12th - Positive OPK, P4 = 3.5 so no ovulation yet.
January 15th - P4 = 7.7 so ovulation has indeed occurred. Start Lupron shots (20u).
January 26th - AF arrives right on schedule. Received updated FET calendar.
January 28th - Start estrogen replacement therapy. 1 patch.
January 30th - Remove old patch and replace with another patch.
February 1st - Remove old patch and replace with another patch.
February 3rd - Remove old patch and replace with another patch. E2 = 83.

Let me tell you one thing about these patches... they hurt when I'm removing them. Ouch! I tried everything I could think of, including removing them in the shower and rubbing vitamin E oil on them. Those patches are sticky little buggers.

CCRM wants the E2 level to be above 50 for the first check. Mine was 83. So I guess that's ok. But here I go over-analyzing things again. With my last IVF cycle (November 2008), my first E2 was 73. Now how could my E2 for a FET cycle be higher than for the IVF cycle? I'm not taking any stim drugs now, just Lupron to suppress my ovaries and the estrogen patches to build up my uterine lining. But with the IVF cycle, I was actually taking stim shots (Menopur shot in the morning and Follistim shot in the evening). Hmmm...

So the next thing on my calendar is to progressively add more patches.

February 5th - Remove old patch and replace with 2 patches.
February 7th - Remove old patches and replace with 3 patches.
February 9th - Remove old patches and replace with 4 patches.

Then I have a date with the dildo-cam (ultrasound) to check my uterine lining and have my E2 level check. After my nurse gets the results, I will be told how many patches to use every other day.

February 11th - New patch(es). Start Prometrium vaginal suppositories 3X/day. STOP Lupron shots (yay!). Start Tetracycline 250mg at bedtime and then 4X/day until gone. Start Medrol 16mg once each evening for 4 nights.

Then I go in for a P4 check on February 12th. The level of my progesterone will determine if my cycle will be canceled or not.

I'm really nervous, as my body tends to want to ovulate. Remember my 1st FET?... I was on BCP and Lupron shots yet my body just had to pop out an egg and cancel everything. Ugh. I guess I should be happy that I do ovulate on my own, but still...

If everything is a go, we'll be headed to Denver soon. Oh GOD, please let it be positive this time! I don't know how much more heartache I can bear...

F.E.T. # 4

2009-01-20T20:46:00.028-06:00

The time has finally come... Our 4th FET cycle. We are doing a medicated FET cycle, meaning that we are using hormones to prepare the uterus. The first step is to suppress ovulation. At least 2 weeks of daily Lupron injections is used to suppress the pituitary gland, which in turn reduces the chances of ovulation occurring unexpectedly. The next step is to use hormones to duplicate the changes that normally occur in the uterus during a regular menstrual cycle. This requires the use of two hormone medications: estrogen and progesterone. During a normal menstrual cycle, estrogen is produced by the developing follicle. This estrogen acts on the uterus to thicken and mature the uterine lining. Estrogen is given in a FET cycle for the same reason. Once the uterine lining has been thickened sufficiently, progesterone is added and the Lupron injections are stopped. Progesterone matures the uterine lining and makes it receptive to an embryo to implant. Once the progesterone has begun, there is a certain “window of implantation” during which the embryo must be transferred. The stage of the embryo must match the stage of development of the uterus. Therefore, the only factor that locks the date of the embryo transfer is starting the progesterone. Once the progesterone has begun, if the embryo transfer is not performed on a certain day, the cycle must be cancelled and a new preparation with hormones must be begun after allowing a period to occur.

Now that I've explained about the general FET process, let's get a little more specific about my FET. My December period arrived on the exact date as predicted. Yay me! My nurse was even surprised when I called her that day. So she emailed me a tentative FET calendar; I will get an updated calendar when I get my next AF. In it showed the exact date I would need to have my P4 level checked. The P4 level needed to be greater than 5, indicative that ovulation had occurred. If it's one thing I can do, I can certainly ovulate. My P4 level was 7.7, so my nurse gave me the go-ahead to start the Lupron injections. Jerry has been giving me the shots in my lower abdomen for almost a week now.

Originally, I was supposed to be on 10 units of Lupron. But I was concerned that 10 units would not be enough to suppress my ovaries. I explained to my nurse that for my 1st FET here in Pensacola, I was on 10 units plus BCP and that didn't suppress me. So my 2nd and 3rd FET, my Pensacola RE put me on 20 units of Lupron plus BCP, and that seemed to do the trick. She brought my concerns to Dr. Schoolcraft, and he said that it was ok for me be on 20 units all the way. Because I'm taking 20 units, I will need to buy another Lupron kit. I guess I'd rather spend an extra $600 (remember, we're all out-of-pocket) than for this cycle to be canceled due to nonsupression. (Dr. Schoolcraft also said that if this was a fresh IVF cycle, he wouldn't put me on 20 units, as that much Lupron would oversuppress me. However, when I went through my 1st IVF cycle here in Pensacola, I was on 20 units and I still ended up with OHSS, even though I was on only 75 units Follistim and 75 units of Repronex. I shouldn't have developed OHSS but that's another story...)

I get another calendar once AF arrives. Estrogen replacement therapy will usually start on the 3rd day of the cycle. I am using the Vivelle patches for estrogen. Instead of reducing the Lupron injections by half, I will continue on the 20 units. I will replace the Vivelle patch(es), every other day. Before increasing the number of patches, I will have a blood test to check my E2 level. A doppler ultrasound and another E2 level check will be done before adding the progesterone (Prometrium vaginal suppositories) in addition to the Vivelle patches. Once progesterone is started, Lupron is stopped. As our embryos are frozen at the blast stage, the embryo transfer will take place on the 6th day of progesterone.

So the next step is to wait for AF to arrive. Let's just hope the hag shows on time so we can get this show on the road!

Clarification on the number of 'normal' embryos

2009-01-15T12:18:00.022-06:00

My last post was a bit confusing, especially the part about the number of normal embryos. It's very difficult to gather my thoughts and type these days.

With my 1st IVF here in Pensacola, we had 18 embryos. 17 of which made it to Day 3 for the biopsy. Our RE told us that he will screen for 13 and 15 specifically, as DH has the Robertsonian Translocation 13;15. BTW, this RE was the one who had Jerry karyotyped in the first place. Anyway... As I developed severe OHSS, it was a freeze-all. So the 8 'normal' Day 5 embryos were frozen the old-fashioned way. (The reason I say Day 5 instead of blasts is because this RE didn't check if they were actually blasts and did any embryo grading. We didn't find this out until after our 3rd FET with him.) So we had 8 'normal' Day 5 embryos in the freezer waiting for us. There were 5 boys and 3 girls.

My 1st FET was canceled due to nonsuppression.

My 2nd FET, the RE transferred 1 embryo. Because we already knew the sex of the embryos, we were given a choice on which sex to transfer. We really didn't care as long as the embryo was healthy. So we did a eeni-meeni-miney-moe thing and chose a girl. We figured that the girl embryo might not survive the thaw, given the odds of the freeze-thaw process. He said that if the first embryo that they thaw didn't survive, he'd go back and thaw another one until he got one that he could transfer. We were pleasantly surprised when this RE told us that everything is A-OK for the transfer. We thought, wow, first one thawed and everything is ok. We thought we beat the odds. Before he actually transferred the girl embryo into my uterus, I asked him one last time if this embryo was a healthy one. He assured me that the embryo was healthy. The transfer took place, the embryologist popped his head in the room just long enough to practically throw us a picture of the embryo. BFN.

My 3rd FET, the RE transferred 2 embryos. This time, we picked 2 boys to transfer. Whoa, we lucked out again that the next two embryos made the thaw. We thought that we beat the odds on the thaw yet again. Again, I asked if the embryos were healthy. And again, he assured me that they were. After the transfer, the embryologist tossed us a pic of the embryos. BFN again.

I compared the pics of our embryos to the ones on the Internet. I am not an expert, but clearly our embryos didn't look like normal healthy embryos. I had so many questions. I asked the IVF coordinator if this RE ever had any success with FETs. She put me on hold for a couple of minutes to look it up. She said that there were no successes as of yet. Then I asked her questions about our embryos. But everytime I would ask her a question about the embryos, she would tell me that she had to ask the RE and would call me back. I never did get a call back. So I called and requested a re-group with the RE.

At this re-group, I specifically asked the RE about the embryos qualities. I even showed him the pictures of the embryos and asked him to tell me if he thought the embryos looked "healthy." His answer was that he couldn't tell by the pictures and that he'd have to talk with his embryologist and get back to us. I also asked him if he did assisted hatching. Again, he said that he'd have to ask the embryologist. Then I brought out the PGD-FISH report on the 17 embryos. I pointed out that 13, 18, 21, X, and Y chromosomes were tested and asked him why wasn't 15 tested, knowing that Jerry has a Robertsonian Translocation with both 13 & 15. He said something about the percentage of the sperm having both 13 & 15 is very low or something to that effect. His answer didn't make sense to me at all. Then I asked him what he would recommend as the next course of action, being that we had 5 'normal' embryos left. He said for us to do another FET, possibly transferring all of them. I also asked him if he's ever had any success with FETs. When he said yes, I told him that I asked his IVF coordinator the same question and that she told me no. We left the office numb.

That evening, the RE called me. By this time, I even had more questions for him. I asked him if the embryos that he transferred were expanded blasts. What he told me made my heart sink. He told me usually healthy embryos re-expand within 7 hours. However, ours didn't re-expand. But he decided to transfer them anyway; he hoped that they would do better in the uterus. I was thinking, how could he tell me (with a smile on his face) that they were "healthy"? Not once but twice, each time before transfer. I was so hurt that he basically didn't tell us the truth.

The next morning, the embryologist called me. I asked him about the embryo grading, and he said that they were very good quality. I tried to get him to pinpoint down a specific grade, but he couldn't tell me. He told me that he didn't have my chart in front of him. Um, then how could he remember that they were very good quality? Interesting. I asked about assisted hatching, and he told me that he always does assisted hatching on frozen embryos. I was confused, as I thought assisted hatching was already done before doing the biopsy. I mean, don't you have to poke a hole in the shell before removing any cells? So if that's the case, would doing it again be detrimental to the embryo? Ugh. It's been over two years, and I'm still thinking about our experience with the first RE here in FL. I've prayed about it many times, but I just can't get over the sorrow of our going to this RE and not giving our embryos the best chance at life.

About a week later, we had another question, so we called the IVF coordinator. Guess who's no longer working at that clinic? Yep, you guessed it. The IVF coordinator. So we decided that we didn't ever want to go back to this local fertility clinic. That left us in a predicament. What will become of our remaining 5 frozen embryos? Finding CCRM in Denver was a Godsend. We had the 5 frozen 'normal' embryos transferred to CCRM. They will be thawed in conjunction with my IVF #2 (July '08 at CCRM). Three of the 5 embryos didn't survive the thaw, so we never found out if they were normal for both 13 & 15. The two that survived the thaw were re-biopsied and sent with the 23 fresh Day 3 embryos from IVF #2. Of the two frozens, 1 came back normal for 13 & 15 and the other came back no result. Both were re-frozen (vitrified this time). Of the 23 fresh embryos from IVF #2, 7 came back normal for 13 & 15. Only 1 made it to blast to freeze and we transferred 2 grade AA blasts. BFN.

Then with this latest IVF cycle (#3), we had 22 embryos. However, 15 embryos made it to the blast stage for biopsy for CGH. Out of the 15, 8 came back abnormal and 7 were no results. So we had the 7 no results thawed and re-biopsied for FISH analysis. Out of the 7, only 1 came back normal for 13 & 15.

So to date, we have a total of 5 frozen blasts, 3 of which are normal for 13 & 15 and 2 no results.

Whew, that was a long story. But I felt the need to clarify.

FISH results

2009-01-14T15:51:00.016-06:00

To re-cap, in November 2008 we had the cells from 15 blasts sent for CGH analysis. There were 8 that came back abnormal and 7 with no results. The 7 NR embryos were biopsied again and sent for FISH testing (13, 15, & 21). Only 1 came back normal. We didn't have any abnormalities with 21, but I wanted it screened anyway. The embryos that came back abnormal had something wrong with either 13, 15, or both.

So we have in the freezer three frozen blasts normal for chromosomes 13 & 15 and two no results (even after 2 different biopsies). The first normal blast is from the July 2006 IVF/ICSI/PGD-FISH cycle here in Pensacola. It's been through a lot, so we're not sure if it will survive the thaw. It went through its first biopsy (FISH 13, 18, 21, & sex chromosomes) on Day 3 here in Pensacola. Then it was grown to the blast stage and frozen the old-fashioned way (slow freezing process where the embryologist had to draw out fluid before freezing). The Pensacola RE didn't screen for chromosome 15, so we couldn't trust the FISH results, as we know that there is a known genetic issue with both 13 & 15. After almost 2 years in storage at the Pensacola RE's clinic, it was FedEx'ed to CCRM in a nitrogen container. Then it was thawed, re-biopsied (for FISH analysis #2 - 13 & 15), and re-frozen (via vitrification). So that blast is normal for 13, 15, 18, 21, and sex chromosomes. The second normal (FISH 13 & 15 only) blast is from the July 2008 IVF/ICSI/PGD-FISH cycle at CCRM. It only went through one biopsy (Day 3) and then vitrified on Day 5. Our third normal (for 13, 15, & 21) blast is from our latest cycle - the November 2008 IVF/ICSI/CGH/PGD-FISH cycle. It went through its first biopsy (Day 5 trophectoderm biopsy) for CGH (no result), vitrified, thawed, second trophectoderm biopsy (for FISH 13, 15, & 21), and then re-vitrified.

After 3 IVFs, we have 3 'normal' and 2 'no results' frozen blasts. I am saddened that after all we've gone through ... 3 IVFs (PGD-FISH & CGH), 3 FETs, ~190 injections, 1 8-day hospitalization (due to OHSS), 1 HSG, 2 hysteroscopies, 1 endometrial biopsy, 2 DNA karyotypes, Cystic Fibrosis screening, Fragile X screening, 1 transrectal ultrasound (DH is a trooper), ~35 dates with the dildo-cam, countless blood tests, 87 eggs retrieved, 69 mature eggs, 63 embryos that were created... now we have only 5 to work with. I am sure that we will be punished for that one day when we have "the talk" with God. But I am so desperate right now to have our genetic child(ren) that I am willing to risk extra time in purification in Purgatory or even going to Hell.

I'm back...

2009-01-09T09:15:00.007-06:00

As you may know, I've taken a hiatus from blogging, as I haven't been "together" enough to post my thoughts and feelings coherently. Everytime I start to blog, I would bawl my eyes out. I find that this past cycle is so hard to "get over". However, I don't think one ever "gets over" a failed cycle. Instead, one finds a way to move on. I guess technically, my last cycle wasn't a failed cycle - but I feel so down in the dumps about it nonetheless. You would think that after 3 IVFs and 3 FETs, I'd be used to this by now. After each cycle, it gets harder and harder for me to cope with the reality of our situation.

My husband and I have been keeping to ourselves lately. It's just so hard, especially pretending that everything is ok and putting on a fake smile for everyone. Christmas was extremely hard. We forced ourselves to go to Mass on Christmas Day, where it seems like everyone has a little one or two or more or they are either expecting. It took everything I had not to cry in the middle of church.

I'll post details of the FISH analysis later, probably tonight if I can stop crying long enough. Right now, I just want to let you all know that I'm having a really, really rough time and to please forgive me for not updating sooner. And I thank you, from the bottom of my infertile heart, for your comments, emails, and PMs. I will get to each and everyone of your blogs and catch up.

I've been nominated...

2008-12-15T21:01:00.010-06:00

**disclaimer**
I'm having a bad day.

I've been nominated by Nikki for the Brillante Weblog Award. I didn't prepare a 'thank you' speech, as I wasn't expecting this nomination. Oh gosh. Where do I start?

First of all, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the driving force behind my blog - INFERTILITY. Without you kicking my ass all these years, I would not be the jealous and bitter person that I am today. Before you came into my life, I was a happy, go lucky kind of gal, skippidy-doo-dahing my way through life. And now, my life is like that of an addict - I can't wait for my next IVF fix. After all I am shooting up hormones, taking all kinds of meds, even getting some of the good stuff while they retrieve my eggs. I think I pay just about the same or even more than what an addict pays for a fix. The only difference is that I still have my house (at least for now). Thank you, Infertility, for making me a gambler. Each cycle, each egg, each embryo - I roll the dice hoping to get genetically normal embryos. But for the most part, we get mostly abnormals. I can't stop gambling. Perhaps, I should try another game like roulette. I might have better luck at spinning the big wheel and hoping it lands on my number. After all it is time that I win something back. I mean, after 3 IVFs, 1 OHSS, 3 FETs, 3 PGD/FISH, and 1 CGH - Isn't it about damn time? But until then, I just keep on bettin'.

Next, I'd like to give a special shout out to both MALE FACTOR and ROBERTSONIAN TRANSLOCATION. Male Factor, you were there from the beginning. You introduced us to the Translocation. Translocation, you are da bomb! Nobody can seem to by-pass around you. You're there whispering to us, after every PGS, to let us know just how screwed we really are. I mean, you can't mess with DNA. That's hardcore stuff there. Both of you have tried your hardest to break me. Sometimes, I even think you have a time or two or three. But that just made me even stronger and more determined.

I'd also like to thank my BIOLOGICAL CLOCK. Without you, I would not feel the pressure of each and every wasted cycle. I appreciate you for reminding me that my eggs are getting older every single day. And I may not be able to produce as many as before. So thank you for keeping count.

Next, I'd like to thank FALSE HOPE. Without you, I wouldn't be able to cry myself to sleep at night. And at my age, I need plenty of beauty sleep. Thank you for making sure I get plenty of that. You, False Hope, never disappoint me. You're always lurking in the corner, starting with my first injection; and you have stayed with me through it all.

I'd like to thank all the ASSVICE out there. Over the years, more and more of you have exploded onto the scene. When one appears two more show up as well. Sometimes, it seems that it is not possible to keep up with all of you who keep popping up. So let's break it down into the most popular categories. Let's start with Prayer. Yeah, that's a good one...Moving on. Next, there's Relax. Why don't you just shut the f-up? Next, there's Just Adopt. Um, yeah. Let's move on to Don't expect it. Oh another good one! Thank you, Assvice, for making me realize that you are all so ignorant!

I'd also like to thank all the FERTILE PEOPLE out there, who have control over when they get pregnant and how many children they want. Without your growing bellies and/or toddlers in tow, I wouldn't be reminded of the fact that your husband or significant other who may or may not be an abuser or an alcoholic or a drug user or even a deadbeat has the ability to knock you up. (Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just jealous.) Instead, I have to enlist a team of professionals and spend the equivalent of the FDIC insured amount, without the same guarantee of course, just to have a chance of having what you can get for free. Many of you know what it's like to just go have a drink and/or get drunk, then all of a sudden you are pregnant. Well I have kept my head on straight... no drinking, no smoking, no recreational drugs (not that I'm interested in the latter two). Perhaps I should throw caution to the wind and get drunk, do some drugs. I have enough leftover sterile needles and syringes after all. But the reality is that no matter how much alcohol I consume, it won't correct DNA. However, it may kill enough brain cells that I won't understand the concept of DNA and how hopeless our situation really is.

And last but certainly not least, I'd like to thank the UNIVERSE. I feel all the more special that you would take the time and energy, singling us out of the billions of people on earth. So an extra special thank you goes out to you, Universe, for weeding us out of the gene pool.

I know just where I'm going to put this award...right next to our 'SCREWED' trophy.

OMG, I need a drink. Hell, I need the whole damn bottle!

Back in the chase...

2008-12-12T22:13:00.023-06:00

As most of you know, we've been chasing that stork for our entire married life. We've never used any stork repellent or put out a sign that said "No Storks Allowed." Instead, we tried to attract it. We learned about the conditions that the stork likes and what would attract the stork. We learned about all the fertility signs and the most optimal time to entice the stork. We would even set out traps and hoped that we get lucky. Not once did the stork show up at our doorstep. After a while, it seemed like chasing the stork proved to be much more difficult than we first realized. So we enlisted the help of a local stork hunter. With his first attempt (IVF/ICSI/PGD-FISH), he shot me in the ovaries and I ended up hospitalized for 8 days (severe OHSS and almost lost both my ovaries). We realize that things happen that's not totally in our control but being the professional stork hunter that he claimed to be, he should've known better. However, we gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave him several other chances (3 FETs). After those failed attempts, we realized that the local stork hunter was more talk than results. He would keep stringing us along and taking our money (we're 100% out-of-pocket) until we finally realized that we had to hire another stork hunter...the best stork hunter in the United States. The best stork hunter came with a very steep price, but he has the reputation and stats to back that up. Even though there has been an empty trap (July's BFN) and unforeseen circumstances (the 7 CGH 'no result' blasts), we still have the utmost confidence that he has our best interest in mind and will do his best to catch our stork.

Before we made up our minds on what we're going to do with the 7 'no result' blasts, we spent the whole morning on the phone with a few people from CCRM. First, I spoke with John, our embryologist. Back in July, he did a re-biopsy on our blasts that were shipped to CCRM from the FL fertility clinic. Remember that he thawed the 5 frozen blasts... 3 died upon thaw (ugh, my FL RE used the old method of freezing) and 2 were re-biopsied for FISH analysis for the translocation...1 is normal and 1 is inconclusive. Both of them were vitrified and are still frozen in CCRM's lab. He told me that he personally will be doing a re-biopsy of these 7 'no result' blasts. Because the embryos were vitrified after the first trophectoderm biopsy and will be re-vitrified after the re-biopsy, he reassured me that the risk of damage to the embryos will remain at 1%. Apparently, vitrification makes a lot of difference (in addition to the skill of the embryologist). I asked him if he will re-grade the embryos after the biopsy, and he told me that the grade they were already assigned is pretty much the grade that they are even after another biopsy. He said that if we agree to have them re-biopsied, he will do the re-biopsy sometime next week and will call me afterward to let me know how things went. And we will have the results of the FISH analysis before Christmas.

Next, I spoke with our genetics counselor. She said that she doesn't have a written copy of the CGH report, but that she was told there were indeed abnormalities with 13 & 15, which we expected and there were no trisomy 21 in the 8 abnormals. I was thinking that maybe I should get the aneuploidy screening, but since she said that there were no trisomy 21 I felt more at ease. She reiterated that babies with trisomy 13, 18, and 21 can go on to have a live birth, but babies with trisomy 13 and 18 will die within a couple of weeks after birth. Those with trisomy 14, 15, 16, 17, 22, and 18 will all miscarry. Also those with monosomies (except XO - Turner's Syndrome) of any of the chromosomes will miscarry.

I asked for clarification on what 'no result' means. She reiterated that it has nothing to do with our embryos. She explained that sometimes when they amplify the DNA there is not enough DNA to test. And sometimes there is some signal but that signal is weak so they are not confident one way or the other. Now, I'm starting to get the picture. Apparently, glitches happen. She said that they happen in 10 - 15% of the cases, but that our case was unusual in that it resulted in 45%.

Then I spoke with my nurse. Our nurse Jen has been great throughout all of this. She was really upset at the number of no results. She told me that when she heard about our CGH results, she immediately ran to our genetics counselor's office. Anyway... we talked about the FET cycle and when we could start preparing for that. As we are expecting the results from the FISH analysis before Christmas, we could do the FET as early as January. I asked about the differently FET protocols, so she briefly explained them: (1) BCP & Lupron shots, (2) Lupron shots only, and (3) patches only. I told her that my regular doctor, upon knowing the results of my hypercoag panel, is concerned about my being on BCP, so she said that I will probably want to do the Lupron only protocol. She emailed me a sample FET calendar (Lupron only), and I am supposed to call her with my next AF to discuss which protocol and the date I want to do the ET. We briefly discussed about the FET schedule for February. Before we hung up the phone, she told me that once they get the results, she will schedule a re-group appointment for us to discuss things with Dr. Schoolcraft.

After the phone calls, Jerry and I discussed our options and what they recommend. After much thought and consideration, we're going to take their advice and choose Door # 1...To just do the FISH analysis for the translocation. We signed the consent form and FAXed it to them and put a hard copy in the mail. Sometime next week, John will call us to let us know about the re-biopsies. And hopefully before Christmas, we will get the results of the FISH analysis.

So our chase continues for our ever-elusive stork...

So confused...

2008-12-11T22:55:00.007-06:00

It doesn't seem like I'm ever going to be released from limbo-land. CGH was supposed to be our answer. But it looks like even the most high tech thing out there isn't even able to help us. I feel like I've been holding my breath all this time and thought I could start breathing again once we get the results. At least we would know one way or the other. But I was wrong. I don't even know if I could ever breathe again...

I received a phone call from our genetics counselor around lunchtime today. I so was not expecting a phone call from her at this time. Although my heart was excited for a very brief moment, I sort had a feeling that there's going to be bad news. She asked if we had time to discuss things. It cannot be good news if a genetics counselor is calling about CGH results and asks if you have a moment to discuss things. I asked her if it's bad news, and she said, "Complicated." Immediately, I knew that there was a problem. My first thought was that maybe our cells got lost in transit from Colorado to New Jersey. I was not prepared for what she was about to say.

The genetics counselor told me that Dr. Mandy Katz-Jaffe (CCRM's genetics research director) received our CGH report via phone from Reprogenetics, so she does not have a detailed, written report yet. Out of the 15 blasts biopsied, she said that 8 of them were abnormal. Ok, I guess that's to be expected. I was prepared for that. I wasn't prepared to hear what she was about to say next. The rest of the blasts were 'no results,' meaning that they aren't normal nor abnormal. Huh? She then went on to say that it has nothing to do with our embryos but that it's a limitation of the technology. Huh? I was confused. If CGH could determine 8 embryos as being abnormal, why can't they determine the rest one way or the other?

She said that Dr. Schoolcraft and Dr. Katz-Jaffe had a lengthy discussion about our situation, and she informed me that they never do that. They either defer it to one or the other, but I guess they wanted to discuss the best way to proceed given the circumstances. For the seven embryos with no result, Dr. Schoolcraft and Dr. Katz-Jaffe are recommending that Dr. John Stevens (CCRM's director of the embryology department) thaw the 7 embryos, re-biopsy them, and re-vitrify them. Then send the biopsied cells to Reprogenetics next week where they will perform FISH analysis for the translocation only (13 & 15). The genetics counselor emailed me papers that we will have to sign to have the 7 embryos re-biopsied and re-tested. Dr. Stevens would be able to re-biopsy them next week and we could get the results before Christmas.

Our second option is to do the re-biopsy and re-vitrify them. Instead of doing FISH analysis for only 13 & 15, they could also do aneuploidy screening (14, 16, 17, 18, 21, 22, X, and Y chromosomes). Because of my age, she said that I am not at an increased risk to produce eggs that have an abnormal number of chromosomes. Dr. Schoolcraft and Dr. Katz-Jaffe both agree that screening for aneuploidy (14, 16, 17, 18, 21, 22, X, and Y chromosomes) in addition to the translocation may reduce the number of normal embryos that would be available for transfer. As with any PGD (FISH and CGH), it is only 90% accurate and, therefore, it is possible that a normal embryo could erroneously be scored as having aneuploidy. They don’t want to risk that. Their goal is to eliminate the embryos with an unbalanced translocation, thereby preserving the embryos that are normal for the translocation and offering them for transfer.

Our third option is to do nothing and take our chances with the transfers. I asked her the consequences of transferring aneuploid embryos. Embryos with trisomy 13, 18, and 21 all could result in live-births; however, babies born with trisomy 13 and 18 would die within the first couple of weeks of life. Abnormalities with 14, 15, 16, 18, and 22 would always result in a miscarriage.

Before we decide what to do, I want more information on the 8 CGH abnormal blasts. Do all 8 have the translocation? If so, is there a pattern as to what other chromosomes are abnormal with the translocation? I still don't really understand why the 7 blasts had no results. She said that it has nothing to do with the embryos but with technology instead. But she said that CGH could screen for translocations. She said that ours is the first case using CGH to screen for translocations. I guess I'm just confused, just so confused.

A thing about translocations...

2008-12-09T09:56:00.005-06:00

Ok. So today is 3 weeks and 4 days. Gosh, it seems like forever already! I have been trying to keep myself occupied and not think about it, but it's nearly impossible for me to think of something else! People say that the hustle and bustle of the holidays are supposed to be a distraction, but I don't think it's working for me. Sigh.

Since I can't think of anything else but our 18 blasts -- 3 blasts that are PGD normal for 13 & 15 and 15 blasts waiting on CGH results -- I might as well not fight it and just blog about it.

We first heard the term Robertsonian Translocation from our first RE here in FL back in May '06. Because of the severity of the male factor (abnormal everything), the RE had Jerry karyotyped. We weren't opposed to it because every single exam that Jerry had to take (some of which were very painful like the trans-rectal ultrasound), everything came back normal. We just wanted answers. We were expecting his DNA to come back normal as well. I remember thinking, before we were told the results, that anything would be better than abnormal DNA. OMG, I was in shock and disbelief when we got the devastating news. We spoke with a geneticist in Boston, and I asked her how this could be. There really is no answer, as all of his siblings and his parents would have to be tested. All of his siblings and/or spouses are past the child-bearing age or had other issues going on, so the geneticist said that there would be no point in testing them. Only one of his siblings has a biological child. Two of his siblings resorted to adoption to complete their families. And one sibling chose not to have any children, as his spouse already has children from a previous relationship and doesn't desire any more. Upon hearing this, the geneticist told me that most likely the translocation could've been inherited. We spoke with 4 different geneticists, and they all said, after going over Jerry's family history, that it could most likely have been inherited rather than some random event.

If you click on the picture at the top of this post, you can see the translocation and how it affects the embryos. Before, it all seems so abstract. But after actually taking a look at the translocation, it gives me a better grasp on the whole thing. And when I study it further, it just makes me scared, scared at just how severe it really is. Because of the translocation, out of the six possible combinations, only 2 embryos would be viable - one completely normal embryo and one having the balanced translocation. Futhermore, we learned that about 65% of the sperm are affected. Our geneticist says that although it's good to know what we're dealing with, it doesn't mean that every cycle 65% of the embryos would be abnormal. Sometimes, there may be less abnormals and sometimes more abnormals. The 65% came from the sperm that was checked at that particular time (last June).

With our first two IVFs we did PGD, specifically the FISH testing. The FISH testing was used to screen for the affected chromosomes. With our first IVF (at the local FL clinic), we had 8 "normal" out of 17 embryos tested. However, we couldn't rely on the 8 being really normal. You see, the FL RE tested for 13, 18, 21, and the sex chromosomes, totally skipped testing for chromosome 15. While the additional chromosome testing information is useful, our situation didn't require 18, 21, or the sex chromosomes to be tested. Therefore, we couldn't trust if what he deemed "normal" is really normal in our case. So that's why we had the 5 remaining frozen blasts re-tested. (There were only 5 frosties left after the 3 failed FETs.)

With my 1st IVF/ICSI/PGD cycle at CCRM this past July, we had 23 embryos that were tested for chromosomes 13 and 15. And at the same time, Dr. Schoolcraft also tested the 5 frozen blasts from FL. Out of the 23 fresh embryos, only 7 were normal for both 13 and 15. And with the re-tested blasts, only 1 was normal and 1 was inconclusive. One 5AA and one 4AA blasts from the fresh IVF were transferred. BFN. Out of the fresh, only one made it to freeze and the re-tested blasts were also frozen. So at that time, we have 3 blasts on ice. With our November IVF/ICSI/CGH cycle, we have 15 blasts that we're waiting on on the results.

Because I've never even got so much as a BFP after transferring top quality blasts, there may even be a bigger problem with the chromosomes than expected. So that's why we're doing CGH, where it tests for all of the chromosomes. The FISH testing is limited to testing on a few chromosome pairs. Although it is great that chromosomes 13 and 15 could be tested with FISH, it doesn't test for the other chromosomes that might be affected due to the bulkiness of the translocation. Our CCRM geneticist told us that perhaps the translocation affected other chromosomes from pairing up correctly. So by doing CGH, hopefully we'll get some answers.

While we're waiting...

2008-12-06T08:59:00.028-06:00

So it's been 3 weeks and 1 day since the cells from our 15 blasts were sent to Reprogenetics in NJ for CGH testing. Our geneticist, a few days before my ER, informed us that it may take around 8 weeks to get the results back. So it looks like we've got a little while yet to go. I have always been very anxious during my 2 week wait, so this is having me on pins and needles for 4 times longer!

While we're waiting, let me give a quick overview of CGH (from what I understand). CGH stands for Comparative Genomic Hybridization and is used to analyze the full karyotype (23 pairs plus the sex chromosomes). It is used to identify an imbalance in chromosomal material such as Trisomy 21. It is until recently (within the past few months) that CGH can be used to screen for certain translocations (i.e., Robertsonian Translocation 13;15). We've been told that we're one of the first couples to use CGH to screen for Jerry's type of translocation. Before this, we could only do FISH analysis (tests only 9 to 12 pairs plus the sex chromosomes).

The process starts when the embryos are grown until they reach the blast stage (usually around 5 days in culture). Then the embryologist grades the embryos and decides which embryos to biopsy. The embryologist then biopsies the trophectoderm cells (outer cell mass of the embryo). The cells from each embryo are placed in its own test tube and shipped to Reprogenetics for analysis. Because the turnaround time for CGH, all of the biopsied blasts must be cryopreserved.

Once the samples are received by Reprogenetics, the DNA contained in the tubes is amplified. The sample DNA is tagged with a green fluorescent tag and then mixed with a sample of normal DNA, which is fluorescently labeled red. Then the sample DNA (green) and the normal DNA (red) are cohybridized to a slide, which takes approximately 71 hours. Then a microscopic analysis is done. The images images are collected and analyzed by the computer, which compares the intensities between the green and red of each chromosome. Thus, a molecular karyotype is generated. A 1:1 ratio of each chromosome is considered normal. Any other ratios are considered abnormal. A couple of examples of abnormal results include Trisomy 21 with a 3:2 ratio and Monosomy 21 with a 1:2 ratio. CGH has an accuracy rate of around 90%.

The chromosomes of interest to us are chromosomes 13 and 15. Those are the chromosomes affected with Jerry's Robertsonian Translocation. I will discuss the Robertsonian Translocation in further detail in another post. The reason we're doing CGH this time instead of the FISH analysis is because we've never gotten a BFP, even after transferring top quality PGD normal blasts. Remember, the FISH analysis only screens for up to 12 chromosomes. So there is a possibility that even though our previous blasts were considered PGD normal, the other chromosomes that weren't screen may be abnormal and we just didn't know it. Hopefully, CGH testing will be able to give us some much needed answers.

Another anniversary and another Thanksgiving...

2008-11-28T12:04:00.009-06:00

Another anniversary and another Thanksgiving came and went. We have much to be thankful for, despite our struggles with infertility. Many people spend their lives searching for their soulmate, their one true love. Some people are lucky to find the person they can truly call the better half of themselves, while others spend the rest of their lives searching and never finding. I am happy to count myself among the lucky ones. Last week, Jerry and I celebrated our 15th anniversary.

Deep down as each progressive anniversary approached I was convinced we'd somehow beat the odds. When we did our first IVF, we thought that that was it. All we had to do was IVF and then bammo! I'd get pregnant. Oh to be so naive again... And then the 3 FETs...those cycles were supposed to be "it." And even changing clinics and going to the best one, there are no guarantees.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. This was not supposed to be part of the plan.

Blood test results

2008-11-18T18:05:00.006-06:00

While we were there in Denver, knowing that the cycle was going to be a freeze-all (due to the CGH testing), I wanted to make sure that all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed. I want to go into the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) knowing that we have done everything possible. I asked my nurse if there were any more tests that could be done on me and she mentioned that the only other thing that she could think of is the APA and Hypercoagular Panel. She said that the tests are costly, and they only recommend testing if a woman has had several miscarriages. I didn't want to take any chances, as it would be more costly doing another whole IVF/ICSI/CGH cycle than to have these tests done; so I asked her if I could go ahead and have those tests done. She said that she would talk with Dr. Schoolcraft about it, and he said that it'd be up to us. The APA is about $500 and the Hyper-Coag Panel is about $3000. What's another $3500 in the whole scheme of things, right? So two days before my ER, I had 10 vials of blood drawn (9 of them were for the tests and 1 vial was for my stim check hormone levels).

APA -
There may be a link between APA (Antiphospholipid antibodies) and implantation failures. APA have been postulated to bind to phospholipids on trophoblast tissue, impairing trophoblast development and preventing normal placentation. In other words, the presence of APA may prevent the embryo from implanting in the uterus. My APA test result came back as normal.

Hypercoagular Panel -
Most of my hypercoag panel came back as normal except for the Protein-S (free) and Plasminogen. My Protein-S level is low - mine is 54 and normal is 56 - 124. This means that I form clots easily (increased risk of thromboembolism). However, I have elevated Plasminogen levels, meaning that my body breaks up clots easily. It seems like one makes up for the other.

I was also tested for the MTHFR gene (hyperhomocysteinemia). I am heterozygous for the gene, meaning that I have one single copy of the gene (a1298c). The problem lies if there are two copies of the gene - causing the fetus to not get enough folate, leading to neural tube defect. But just as a precaution, I will be put on prescription Folic Acid (Folgard 2.2 mg).

My nurse said that she will call me after she talks with Dr. Schoolcraft about these results and see what he recommends. She said that my Protein-S is just two points away from normal, so he might just put me on baby aspirin or some other blood thinner.

While I had her on the phone, I asked her about how many days I would have to stay in Denver for the FET. She said that I could fly in the night before the embryo transfer and then leave two days later. And that my beta would be 9 days after the transfer. I told her that I probably would just stay in Denver until after the beta, so that I would know before coming back home. I would feel more at ease if I was not on the road during my wait.

I just want this to work. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!

We're home

2008-11-17T11:02:00.006-06:00

Finally, after two days of driving, we're home! It's not an excited 'we're home!' kind of thing. It's the 'Whew, that was a loooooong drive' kind of deal.

My BFF in the entire world (besides Jerry of course)...I love you, Rachel!!... was so gracious to offer to take care of our 4 persian cats. We didn't want to ask her (we knew how much work it'd involve, and she's quite busy herself), but we had no one else to turn to.

I guess the other people in our lives must suffer from "infertility fatigue." We kind of knew it was coming, but we never expected to be this abrupt. We figured that people would fall away slowly one by one, but ever since our last BFN in July, people who said that they will be there for us weren't. It's ok. Ever since we got married, Jerry and I have been each other's support. It would make things nicer if we had family backing us up. We were naive for believing them when they told us that they'd be there for us now, when they didn't want us to get married in the first place. But I digress...

I've still got a lot to unpack and laundry to do (3 weeks worth!), so I'll post more later.

Fert Report - Day 6

2008-11-14T21:34:00.013-06:00

Today, we learned that 5 more blasts were biopsied and vitrified. So out of the 22 embryos, a total of 15 made it to the blast stage to be biopsied. The embryologist could sense my disappointment over the phone, so she kept telling me that having 15 embryos out of 22 go to blast is "great." She reminded me again that the percentage of embryos making it to the blast stage is 40 0 50%, and we had 68% make it to blast. I know that's great... if you're not factoring in any genetics. Unfortunately, I know the severity that the genetic factor plays in all of this. So my mind starts doing the math. Cells from the 15 blasts will be analyzed. Due to DH's Robertsonian Translocation of the 13th and 15th chromosomes, roughly 65% of his sperm are affected. So right off the bat, 65% of the 15 blasts will be abnormal. In other words, at most, we should have 5 - 6 normals. Then we have to take into account the extra percentage that the other chromosomes might be affected due to the bulkiness of the translocation, making the embryos aneuploid. So again, the numbers will be decreased... By how much, we don't know. But there have been studies that show more chromosomal abnormalities - other than the affected chromosomes - when one parent has a translocation. Ugh. I hate this. It's so frustrating. Anyway...

While I had the embryologist on the phone today, I took advantage of that by asking tons of questions, including the grades of all 15 blasts. There were 2 blasts with a grade of 5AA. Two blasts with 4BB. One blast with 3AA. Four blasts with 3AB. Three blasts with 3BB. And 3 blasts that are 2/3.

Then I asked the embryologist at what point do they grade the embryos - before or after the biopsy. She said that the embryos were graded before the biopsy. That way, they would know which embryos were good enough to biopsy.

After getting all the information that I can about the embryos, I asked about the sperm. Basically, these questions were out of curiosity more than anything else. The total sperm count is 13.6 million, but the total motility was 2.7 million. She assured me that they do a morphological assessment on the sperm and pick only the best ones (as far as they could tell under the microscope) to fertilize the eggs.

After getting the info about the sperm, I had even more questions. I asked her how my eggs were (again, out of curiosity), and she said that they were "excellent." They did do ICSI (ICSI in lamens terms: physically inject one sperm directly into the egg), but they didn't have to do the laser ICSI , which she said was good. She explained that they don't routinely do laser ICSI, as the less things they have to do to the egg the better. She said that my eggs fertilized "beautifully."

The embryologist was so patient with me. She stayed on the phone with me for a good 15 minutes or so.

I guess I'm just trying to process all the information. I don't want to get my hopes up just to have them shattered. Been there, done that... not once, not twice, not even three times. Let's try years and years worth of disappointments. Not to mention that I don't even count the temp and fertility signs charting nor the medicated IUI's. Heck, that's "child's play," for a lack of a better phrase.

What happens next? We wait. The genetic counselor told us to expect to wait about 8 weeks, as the holidays are coming up. So now, we rolll the dice and the countdown begins...

Fert Report - Day 5

2008-11-13T16:27:00.012-06:00

I wasn't expecting to hear from embryology today, but imagine my surprise when I got a call from the embryologist this afternoon with the day 5 report. Before I tell you how many embryos made it to the blast stage, let me explain the blastocyst grading (from what I understand). There are three components that go into the grading of the embryo: (1) blastocyst development status, (2) inner cell mass score, and (3) trophectoderm score.

The blast development status (expansion - hatching stage) is indicated by the number in the front. The number ranges from 1 to 6, with 1 being the lowest and 6 being the highest quality.

1 = Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo.
2 = Blastocoel cavity greater than than half the volume of the embryo.
3 = Full blast, cavity completely filling the embryo.
4 = Expanded blast, cavity larger than the embryo with thinning of the shell.
5 = Hatching out of the shell.
6 = Hatched out of the shell.

The first letter is the grade of the inner cell mass (the cells that will become the fetus). The letters range from A to C, with A being the highest and C being the lowest quality.

A = Many cells, tightly packed.
B = Several cells, loosely grouped.
C = Very few cells.

The second letter is the grade of the trophectoderm (future placenta cells). Again, the letters range from A to C, highest to lowest quality.

A = Many cells, forming a cohesive layer.
B = Few cells, forming a loose epithelium.
C = Very few large cells.

Today, out of the 22 embryos, there were 10 embryos that have grown to the blastocyst stage, quality ranging from 2/3 to 3BB to 3AB to 3AA to 5AA. The 2/3 grade is the earliest blast stage, almost a grade 3 but not quite. She said that she went ahead and biopsied them because if they wait until tomorrow, the embryo might already be hatched. And doing a biopsy on hatched embryos isn't preferred. I wished that I had asked her how many blasts at each grade, but I was just so excited to get the day 5 report. Anyway...The embryologist biopsied the 10 blasts and then vitrified them about an hour later.

Tomorrow, she will check on the 12 remaining embryos, and hopefully they all will be good enough for biopsy. But then again, she did tell me that roughly 40 - 50% of the embryos only make it to blast. So I'm anxiously waiting for tomorrow's call.

Fert Report - Day 3

2008-11-11T12:31:00.007-06:00

The embryologist called with an update on our 22 embryos. She said that all 22 embryos have divided and are excellent quality for the most part. She said that at this stage (Day 3), they'd like to see the cell number be between 6 - 10 cells. Seventeen embryos are within the 6 - 10 cells, with 11 embryos being at the perfect 8cells stage. Three embryos are at 4 cells. One embryo is at 3 cells, and one embryo is at 2 cells. She said that, on average, 40 - 50% of the embryos will go on and develop to the blast stage. We will get another update on Day 6 (Friday), after the biopsy and vitrification. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm somewhate relieved that the majority of the embryos are progressing nicely.

After the call from the embryologist, my nurse called to see how I'm doing. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling too well - very bloated and nauseous. We went in so that we could update our communicables, and I asked to see a nurse. After talking with the nurse, she wanted me to have an ultrasound and blood work done to check my CBC and electrolytes. The ultrasound showed a little bit of fluid in my ovaries and behind the uterus. I also was running a little bit of a fever (101 F). The nurse also weighed me, and I had gained 3 pounds since my physical. She said that wasn't bad, but for me to keep an eye on it. Yesterday after we got back to the hotel room, I weighed myself to get a baseline with the hotel scale. This morning, I weighed myself again and I had lost 5 pounds. But my stomach still feels bloated and distended. I will go in tomorrow for another ultrasound to see if there is more fluid build-up. Hopefully, I'm on my way to feeling better.

What I'm feeling now is no where nearly as bad as my 1st IVF in FL. OMG, it's like night and day. So the plan today is to rest and still drink lots of Gatorade.

Fert Report - Day 1

2008-11-09T13:09:00.005-06:00

Kristy, our embryologist this cycle, called me this morning to give me the fertization report. Out of the 34 eggs retrieved, 25 were mature, 22 fertilized via ICSI. She said that I will get another fert report on Day 3 - Tuesday. I am anxious to hear about the embryos' grades. I hope all of them make it to blast, so that they can be biopsied for CGH. I will be on pins and needles until I hear from her again.

In comparing this cycle with my last CCRM cycle back in July:

July cycle
E2 at trigger (Lupron) = 4577
E2 post trigger = 5742
Eggs retrieved = 30
Mature = 26
Fertilized via ICSI = 23
Day 3 biopsy
PGD/FISH for chromosomes 13 & 15 = 7 normal for 13:15
Transferred 2 embies (grades 5AA & 4AA) = BFN
One embie made it to freeze on Day 6

November cycle
E2 at trigger (hCG) = 3534
E2 post trigger = 3944
Egg retrieved = 34
Mature = 25
Fertilized via ICSI = 22
Blast biopsy
CGH = Results in about 8 weeks but may be sooner

Now compare it to my first IVF back in FL:
E2 at trigger (hCG) = 3808
E2 post trigger = Didn't measure
Eggs retrieved = 23
Mature = 20
Fertilized via ICSI = 18, but one died before biopsy
Day 3 biopsy
PGD/FISH for chromosome 13 only (should've tested 15 as well) = 8 normal for 13 only
Freeze all cycle due to severe OHSS

Saturday's Egg Retrieval

2008-11-09T10:28:00.016-06:00

Yesterday morning was my scheduled egg retrieval (ER) day. So we arrived at CCRM around 7:15 am. We were way early for once. So we took a walk around the building and started taking pictures. It was cold, but it felt nice with the sun beaming down on us.

We finally pulled up to CCRM's parking garage located on the west side of the building. Jerry pressed the intercom button and spoke with a receptionist, who then buzzed us in. So we pulled into the parking garage and parked right outside the double doors. We took the elevator to the 2nd floor and waited in the surgery waiting area. A nurse came to get me back for the pre-op. It took about 15 minutes to get me ready. During this time Jerry had to wait in the surgery waiting area. Once I was done (IV put in, heart monitor, blood pressure cuff put on, oxygen meter, etc.), the nurse went and brought Jerry back to where I was. We had a few minutes before the anesthesiologist came in to speak with us. He was extremely nice. We discussed how nauseated I get every time I go under, and he told me that he would try to pre-empt the nausea by giving me Zofran and Decadron in my IV.

Next, Dr. Minjarez came in. She was the on-call doctor, as everyone else had gone to the conference. She did my July ER, and I was hoping that she would be able to do my ER this time around. And I'm glad that she did! She even remembered that she did my ER last time. She said last time, I had 30 eggs. And she didn't know how many I'd have this time, but she told me that she would aspirate all of the follicles that she could see.

Then the anesthesiologist came back in and injected a relaxing drug in my IV. I don't remember anything after that. Jerry said that about 15 minutes later, Dr. Minjarez went to the waiting area and talked with him. She told him that the embryologist was still counting my eggs, but she said that I had 20+ so far.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with a nurse hovering over me. She took the tube out of my mouth but kept the oxygen tubes in my nose. She also changed my IV bag - I think it's a bag of electrolytes/Heparin to prevent hyperstim. I drifted in and out of sleep. Then the next thing I remember was Jerry standing by my bed.

He had a worried look on his face. But I knew why. With my 1st IVF back in Pensacola, FL everything went wrong. But we attributed that to the incompetence of the FL doctor. And since I triggered with hCG back in Pensacola and now this cycle here at CCRM, we didn't know what to expect. Last cycle at CCRM, I triggered with Lupron, and I was just fine. So we didn't know if my bad reaction in FL was because of the incompetence of the doctor or my body doesn't react well to the hCG. After yesterday's ER, my bad reaction to the hCG in FL was due to the complete incompetence of the FL doctor. I triggered with hCG here at CCRM this time, and I was just fine! In FL, I triggered with hCG, the FL doctor retrieved 23 eggs and I developed severe OHSS and was hospitalized for 8 days. Here at CCRM, I also triggered with hCG and Dr. Minjarez retrieved 34 eggs. No adverse reactions. Hmmm. Makes you wonder huh? CCRM doesn't get the honor of being dubbed the #1 fertility clinic in the United States for nothin'. They really know what they're doing. I just wished that we had come here first instead of going to the incompetent FL doctor.

Let me tell you what a genius Dr. Schoolcraft is. He wanted me to do the hCG trigger this cycle, and he knew what a bad reaction I had in FL. So he kept me on the Antagon protocol so that I would have the Lupron trigger to fall back on. That way he kept his options open, if my E2 levels started to get extremely high. If my E2goes high, he could trigger me with Lupron. However, this time, my E2 level was almost the same as my E2 level with my 1st IVF back in FL. Dr. Schoolcraft triggered me using the hCG trigger and I didn't have the same adverse reactions as when I was in FL. Plus, this time, I had more eggs!

34 eggs!!! When I told my sister, she called me an Easter basket. Gotta love her sense of humor!

I'm waiting for a call from the embryologist today to see how many eggs were mature and how many fertilized via ICSI. I hope that the numbers are working toward our favor. So right now, we're just anxiously awaiting the fert report.

Trigger time!

2008-11-06T20:48:00.005-06:00

So finally, after 15 days of stims I finally get to trigger!! This time, I'm not using Lupron as my trigger shot. Instead, I'm using hCG. My E2 is 3534.

I took my last Cetrotide injection this evening, and I get to skip the Follistim shot. Yay! The phlebotomist who usually draws my blood in the mornings (one of the nicest people ever) will be coming to the hotel to give me the hCG injection. The hCG has to be given at exactly 10 pm. This injection is intramuscular, and Jerry has never given me the intramuscular shot before. And tonight is not the time for him to practice.

Tomorrow morning, I go in for blood work only.

My egg retrieval is Saturday morning at 9 am. We have to be at CCRM at 8 am.

I am so excited to finally get to egg retrieval. I am anxious as to how many eggs they get from me, but I have to have faith that whatever number of eggs they get, that'll be enough. I'm already looking forward to the fertilization report on Sunday.

8th Stim Check

2008-11-05T21:39:00.005-06:00

My E2 is slowly creeping up. Today it's at 2920. Dr. Schoolcraft decreased my Follistim from 300 to 225. I take it that he's thinking it's almost time for egg retrieval. When the nurse called me, she asked me if I was getting antsy. I told her yes, but I want what's best and it doesn't matter how many more shots I have to take.

After receiving the call from my nurse, we went to Todd's Pharmacy to get more meds - 2 more amps of Menopur. The people at Todd's know me by name by now and they know what I need. We are taking it one day at a time, as far as meds go. I don't want to buy more than I need. Jerry has been keeping all the receipts. Let's just say with 2 IVF cycles this year plus the meds, hopefully we'll get a hefty income tax refund.

While we were in a different section of town, we decided to just eat dinner over that way. Luckily, we had packed my evening meds (Cetrotide & Follistim) and took them with us. After dinner, we had to drive around the mall parking lot and find a secluded spot under a light. We had to keep the car running with the heater on because it's frigid cold tonight. Jerry liked it, but I couldn't stop shivering. So I got in the back seat of our Yukon and got the Cetrotide ready. It's basically just injecting a saline solution into the powder vial, waiting for the powder to dissolve, draw the solution into the syringe, and change needles. Once that's ready, I took my usual position when getting shots. I held the syringe up high, so as to not to bump it. Jerry made a comment about mall security and having to explain why we're both in the back seat with a syringe. We both had a chuckle at that. Anyway, he gave me the shot and drew blood this time, which is the first time this cycle that's drawn blood. I have bruises in my abdomen, but never a drop of blood. Oh well. It was bound to happen.

Tomorrow morning, I am instructed to take 2 amps Menopur and then go in for my ultrasound/blood work appointment at 9:45 am. It's getting close. I don't know if it's in my mind or what, but I think I can feel my ovaries getting bigger.

7th Stim check

2008-11-04T22:55:00.008-06:00

Ultrasound shows that my follies are around 14 mm to 21 mm, with about 11 being mature and about 10 more little ones trying to catch up. The nurse said that I may not get as many eggs as last time, which was 30. My E2 level is only 2192, whereas last time it was 4086 after 12 days of stims. I'm still on the same dosage of meds that I've been on for the past few days. Tomorrow morning, I go back in for another ultrasound and blood work.

I can't help but think what the genetic counselor told us... That there is a possibility that we may not have any normals after CGH testing. Do you know how scary that is? Dr. Schoolcraft hasn't given us the donor sperm speech...yet. But our genetic counselor brought it up at our last meeting. And this evening I finally broke down and cried uncontrollably, shaking and bawling like someone who's lost all her hopes and dreams. This may sound ridiculous, but I feel like I'm mourning the deaths of the children that I will never have. I mean, they don't even exist; and yet, I feel like I've already lost them. How can I feel this way about someone that hasn't even been born? It doesn't make sense. I've had all these hopes and dreams for our future children, and suddenly I feel like someone had taken them all away. I feel robbed.

This is our 3rd and don't know if it will be our final IVF. We've sunk a fortune into trying to conceive. Where do we draw the line? When we're in debt up to our eye balls? I'm afraid we're already there. After 2 IVF/ICSI/PGD cycles and 3 FETs, and this will be our 3rd IVF cycle...when will my body finally say enough is enough? It seems like it's on its way there, as my ovaries aren't cooperating much this time. My mental state is shot all to hell. My happiness seems to depend on the results of the ultrasounds and blood work. I feel like my life isn't my own anymore. IVF has taken over. And if we can't do IVF anymore, what do I have left? Ugh. I hate this!

Today's hormone levels & a brief freak-out moment

2008-11-03T17:36:00.011-06:00

I finally got the call from a nurse about my hormone levels. My E2 is 1798, LH is 5.3, and P4 is 0.5.

To sum up everything this cycle:

10/23... 1 amp Menopur & 75 iu Follistim
10/24... 1 amp Menopur & 75 iu Follistim
10/25... 1 amp Menopur & 75 iu Follistim
10/26... 1 amp Menopur & 75 iu Follistim (E2 = 73)
10/27... 1 amp Menopur & 75 iu Follistim
10/28... 1 amp Menopur & 150 iu Follistim (E2 = 103)
10/29... 1 amp Menopur & 300 iu Follistim & Cetrotide (E2 = 147)
10/30... 2 amps Menopur & 300 iu Follistim & Cetrotide
10/31... 2 amps Menopur & 300 iu Follistim & Cetrotide (E2 = 464)
11/1 ... 2 amps Menopur & 300 iu Follistim & Cetrotide
11/2 ... 2 amps Menopur & 300 iu Follistim & Cetrotide (E2 = 1052)
11/3 ... 2 amps Menopur & 300 iu Follistim & Cetrotide (E2 = 1798)

Tomorrow, I am instructed to take 2 amps Menopur and then go in for ultrasound/ blood work. It's getting close. The tech measures only the bigger follicles, so I really don't know how many eggs I'm cookin'. I've been comparing this cycle with my last cycle, and things seem to be similar but not quite. The only difference this time is that I started the Cetrotide one day earlier and am on more Follistim. I'm also doing the Cetrotide injections at the same time as the Follistim injections this time whereas last time, there was about 4 hours in between. But I've been told by my nurse to take both shots at the same time, so I've got to trust that.

I am freaking out. I NEED to have at least 30 eggs. With 65% of Jerry's sperm affected by the translocation, the percentage of chromosomal abnormalities in total is increased. In other words, there is a high probability that the percentage of abnormal sperm is even higher than 65%. There is no way to tell if the translocation has affected the other chromosomes; however, the genetic counselor said that there is a high likelihood that the percentage of abnormals is higher than the 65% originally thought.

Let me explain. Last cycle, I had 30 eggs retrieved. 23 eggs were fertilized via ICSI. After PGD, only 7 were normal for chromosomes 13 & 15. We transferred 2 grade AA blasts, which left 5 more embryos. Only 1 out of the 5 made it to freeze. By looking at that, it makes sense that the percentage of abnormal sperm is way higher than 65%.

One second, I'm all peachy. The next, I'm so sad. I don't know if I will produce as many eggs as last time. I'm trying not to stress out about it, but that's all I can think about. I have to make more eggs to compensate for the abnormal sperm. If I don't, then we might not even have any normal embryos after the CGH and then all of this would be for nothing. I know I'm jumping ahead of myself, but I'm the type of person who thinks two or three steps ahead. This sucks. It's so not fair.

6th Stim Check

2008-11-03T12:53:00.015-06:00

This morning, I had my 6th stim check (day 12 of stims). The tech only measured the bigger follies, but I still have quite a few smaller ones trekkin' along. Today, my follicle sizes are between 12 mm and 20 mm. The nurse told me that 15 mm is considered "ready" for trigger. So it looks like I have a couple of days to go. After the appointment, we had to go to Todd's Pharmacy to purchase more meds. I got 2 more amps of Menopur and 2 more syringes of Cetrotide. Right now, we're going day by day, just like the last cycle. So far, everything with this cycle is very similar to my last cycle. While I'm waiting for the nurse to call with my blood work results, I thought I'd take this opportunity to post some pics.

Below is a panorama of the lake in Evergreen, Co. We had a great time walking around the lake. I've been told that when the lake freezes, it's opened for ice skating. How fun would that be!

Here are a couple of pics taken on top of Buffalo Bill's lookout mountain in Golden, Co. Of all the places that we've been to so far, this has the best view of the mountains. Below is a pic that we're going to get enlarged and framed when we get home.

Below is a pic from the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, Co. The rock that we're standing in front of is the famous Balanced Rock. Jerry and I had so much fun exploring the park and we even climbed on a few, even though the signs say don't climb on the rocks. Whoops.

5th Stim check

2008-11-02T20:17:00.006-06:00

So the time change had me all flustered this morning. We had to make adjustments as to when to do the Menopur shot. We had the hardest time last night trying to figure out when I should get the shot this morning. You wouldn't think that it'd be this difficult, but it was. Jerry and I had to literally count out loud the number of hours between the shots. Anyway...This morning, we woke up at o'dark thirty so that I would have enough time to get the Menopur shot and make it to our 7:15am ultrasound/blood work appointment in time. Even though the traffic from downtown to CCRM wasn't that bad, we were about 5 minutes late. The ultrasound showed my follies just trekking along, taking their own sweet time. My E2 is 1052, LH is 1.6, and P4 is 0.4. I am still on the same meds that I've been on for the past 3 days through tomorrow. We told the nurse that we have enough Menopur for tomorrow morning, but I only have 150 iu Follistim left. So she went and got me a 600 iu cartridge of Follistim to tide me over for the next couple of days. It will show up on our bill later (at least that's what happened last cycle). I will probably need to go to Todd's Pharmacy and get more Menopur and Cetrotide tomorrow.

After the appointment, we went to brunch at Ellyngton's Dom Perignon Sunday brunch at the Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs. Let me just say this: The food was divine! My sister told me about that place, saying that they were featured on the Travel Channel. They spend all week planning for the brunch, which I didn't understand why it would take a whole week to plan. But after having eaten there, I totally get it. The eggs and omelets were prepared anyway you like it - fresh at the buffet station. Waffles, pancakes, wide selection of breakfast breads/pastries/croissants/muffins and meats. They also saute fresh made-to-order meats, poultry, and fish. There was a salad station and a cheese and crackers station. There was also jumbo shrimp, oysters, mussels, salmon. And the best part was the sweets station - chocolate fondue (strawberries, marshmellows, bananas, etc.), cakes, tarts, petite fours, mousse, cookies, creme brulee, cheese cakes, tiramisu, key lime pie, etc. Totally yummy. Jerry and I only had that one meal today, and I am still full.

We were going to go back to the Garden of the Gods but I was so tired. Cookin' these eggies makes me tire easily.

Tomorrow, my appointment is at 9:30am. I'm hoping and praying that my little follies catch up to the bigger ones. I compared this cycle with my last cycle at CCRM, and I'm a little "ahead" as far as the E2 level goes. Last cycle's E2 at this stage was 986, and this cycle it's 1052. I'm curious to find out what tomorrow's E2 level will be. Last cycle, my E2 jumped from 986 to 4086 at the next stim check. I wonder if it'll do the same this cycle.

4th Stim check on Halloween

2008-11-01T13:15:00.015-05:00

I had my 4th stim check on Halloween, on my 9th day of stims. I have about 20+ follicles, 6 - 15 mm. My E2 was 464, LH was 0.97, P4 was 0.2. My nurse told me to continue on the 2 amps Menour, 300 iu Follistim, and Cetrotide until Sunday morning, when I go in for my 5th stim check at 7:15am. Yikes! For those of you who know me, I am so not a morning person.

I'm getting really nervous now. I don't feel like I'm producing enough eggs. Maybe it's the pressure I'm under to produce a lot of eggs. I looked at my July '08 cycle, and it seems like I'm having a similar response. Last time, they retrieved 30eggs. I'm hoping with all my might that I produce as many, if not more this time. The pressure that I'm feeling is immense. But I'm trying not to think about it, but the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it. It's a vicious cycle.

On another note, our puppy (we still call her a puppy even though she's 7 years old), was the hit of the hotel last night. She is just too much for one costume, she had to have two!! The first costume is Buttercup as Snow White, and her second costume is Buttercup as a princess. Let's just say she got a lot of attention from the valet to the front desk check-in to the Club Lounge, even Elways here at the hotel. She was like a celebrity; everyone (the hotel guests and the people who work here) was whipping out their cameras and taking pictures of her. The LA Lakers are staying here at the hotel (they have a game against the Denver Nuggets tonight) and Buttercup got all the attention! How funny is that!

3rd Stim check & Genetics appointment

2008-10-29T17:43:00.011-05:00

This morning, Jerry gave me the 1 amp Menopur shot and then we headed to CCRM for my 3rd stim appointment. I am on day 7 of stims. There are still around 20 follicles, around 8 - 12mm in size, but she said that some may be hidden so I may have more. She predicts that I may have a similar response as last time... about 30 eggs. Today, the ultrasound showed that my follicles have grown a little bit from the day before. My E2 is 147, LH is 1.35, and P4 is 0.2. My E2 level is a bit low, so Dr. Schoolcraft is increasing my meds significantly tonight, so that the other little follicles can catch up. So tonight, I am to take 300 iu Follistim. I'm also to start Cetrotide as well, to keep me from ovulating. The nurse also told me that Cetrotide will counteract some of the high dosage of Follistim. The nurse also said that I can take the Follistim and Cetrotide at the same time, so I get pricked three times a day from now on. And for those who know me well, I absolutely hate needles!! But ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right? Yes, I'm desperate here. Anyway...

Thursday, I will take 2 amps Menopur in the morning. I will not need to go in for ultrasound/blood work, so we have a "free" day. I think we'll probably just hang around the hotel. I've been feeling kind of tired, and Jerry has work to do anyway. In the evening, I will still take 300 iu Follistim and Cetrotide.

Friday morning, I will continue the 2 amps Menopur and then go in for my physical and ultrasound/blood work appointments.

After today's ultrasound appointment, we had an appointment with our genetics counselor. She is absolutely one of the nicest person ever. We talked about Jerry's Robertsonian Translocation again (chromosomes 13 & 15). She explained that there might be more chromosomes that are affected due to the translocation. As the sperm cells are maturing, the translocated chromosomes may disrupt the pairing up and dividing due to the bulkiness of the translocation. Because of this, there is a higher percentage of abnormal sperm than what was thought before. So instead of 64% of the sperm being abnormal, she thinks there is a higher percentage but couldn't tell us exactly how much higher. There haven't been any studies on that just yet. All this time I thought that when the egg gets fertilized, the resulting embryo's chromosomes might get messed up. But she said that the chromosomes would have already been messed up in the sperm...BEFORE it ever fertilizes the eggs. So that just puts a damper on things. She said that with the FISH testing last time, we had roughly 30% normals. But with CGH, she said for us to not be disappointed with a lower percentage of normals simply because they would be testing all 46 chromosomes. It is even more important now that I produce a lot of eggs. I'm hoping for 40 eggs now. I don't know if that's realistic or not, but I'm feeling a lot of pressure to produce lots and lots of eggs.

She also explained how CGH worked. The embryologist will biopsy blast embryos (day 5) and send the clump of cells (placental cells) to a lab in NJ (Reprogenetics). The lab would then compare our embryos' DNA to the standard 23 pairs of chromosomes. Any deviation in the ratio of chromosomes would be deemed as abnormal. The test is about 90% accurate. Because the holidays are coming up, Mary said that it may take 8 weeks to get the results. And depending on my natural menstrual cycle, it may take up to 6 weeks to prepare my uterus for the embryo transfer. So we're looking at maybe a February transfer. She also said that the success rate after CGH is around 80%. That's amazing.

Hello from Denver!

2008-10-28T19:16:00.003-05:00

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. We've just been so busy and tired that I haven't had a chance to blog. So bear with me.

We arrived in Denver Saturday evening. It was the longest drive ever! I hadn't noticed before that Kansas is so big. As we got closer to Colorado, we what we though was white sand on the side of the highway. We thought it was a bit unusual to have splotches of white sand, but as we looked closer we saw that it wasn't white sand at all - it was snow!

Sunday morning, I had my first stim check. I had 20 follicles, sizes 6 - 8. My E2 was 73, LH was 1.09, and P4 was 0.2. The nurse said that I'm right where I'm supposed to be at this point. I'm to continue with the 1 amp Menopur, 75 iu Follistim, and the Dexamethasone until my next stim check.

I didn't have an appointment on Monday, so we decided to explore the Denver area. We went to the Mother Cabrini Shrine and Red Rocks. It was nice to get out. My mom and sister flew to Denver to be with us for a week. So it was nice sharing the sites with them. (I'll post some pics later.)

Today (Tuesday), I had my second stim check. I still have about 20 follicles, but they're not much bigger... sizes 6 - 9. I'm a slow egg grower, what can I say. My E2is 103, LH is 1.1, and P4 is 0.2. The nurse told me that I'm having a similar response as the IVF cycle before, which she said isn't a problem. I expressed my concern about the sizes of the follicles. She said that it's better for me to stim slow and steady; otherwise, my E2 level may spike and have the possibility of developing OHSS (like with the Pensacola RE). Tonight, I'm to double the Follistim to 150iu. I guess the RE wants to see if increasing the Follistim will make my follicles grow faster. I trust him completely, so I wasn't worried. Tomorrow morning, I will still do 1 amp Menopur and then to my appointment.

So tomorrow, I have my third stim check and an appointment with a genetics counselor to discuss CGH. I am very worried about GCH, not of the test itself but of the possibility of not getting any normals. However, I've been told that their CGH stats are around 80%, so I'm hoping and praying that this may be it.

So right now, I'm thinking follicle-growing thoughts. Grow follies grow!

First day of stims

2008-10-23T12:25:00.013-05:00

This morning, I had my first stim shot (1amp Menopur)..Tonight, Follistim. We went through our regular ritual of getting ready for the shot. I didn't feel the prick of the needle, but I did feel the sting of the medicine half-way through. Afterward, I gave my ovaries a pep talk. Grow follies grow! I know it's silly, but I've been trying to will my ovaries to produce between 30 - 35 quality eggs. I need that much, especially with the translocation issue.

At my suppression check yesterday (after taking 25 days of BCPs), the ultrasound tech counted a few small follicles. On my right ovary, there were 9 measureable follicles ranging in sizes from 2.6mm to 5.8mm. And on my left ovary, there were 8 measureable follicles ranging in sizes from 3.6mm to 9.1mm. That's 17 follicles total. I didn't think that I would have any measureable follicles, as I just came off of BCPs. So, I asked my IVF nurse about my ultrasound and all the follicles, and she said that seems about right, as my antral follicle count (AFC) is around 35. And she said that my hormone levels were right where I'm supposed to be at this stage.

After taking my first stim shot, I swear I could feel something cookin' in my ovaries. I don't know if it's all in my mind or not. I'm just hoping and praying that I develop a lot of good, quality eggs. I guess I'll be worried about it until my first stim check this Sunday in Denver.

We're leaving tomorrow morning, right after my morning shot. Next update will probably be Sunday. Keep us in your prayers!

Suppression check

2008-10-22T14:50:00.007-05:00

I hardly slept last night, as I was worried about my suppression check appointments. I have been known to ovulate through BCP and Lupron, so I was worried that I may do the same this cycle, especially right after a failed IVF cycle.

We had the blood work appointment first. We left early enough to get to Gulf Breeze by 9am. When we got there, we searched for the office. The lady on the phone gave horrible directions. She just said that the office is right in front of the Gulf Breeze hospital. Well, the building in front of the hospital is Andrews Institute. So we went there, only to find out that the suite 204 is an orthopedic office. We asked the receptionist if she knew where Dr. K's office is. She said that it's actually in the main hospital in the women's wing. We went in the main entrance of the hospital and asked a receptionist to see if she could point us in the right direction. By now, it was 8:55am. After what seems like forever, she told us that the office that we're looking for is upstairs. We get to the women's wing and walked down the hallway, looking for suite 204. Guess what. The offices only go to 203. So we flag someone down and asked her. She told us that it's in the next building over to the side. So we went out the side exit doors on the first floor and went inside an adjacent building. We finally found the office and signed-in at 9:10am.

The nurse took one vial of blood, and as I was checking out, we chatted a bit. I told her that we're doing IVF in Denver and that I needed the results FAXed to CCRM today. She said that would be no problem. Then she asked me if we lived there. I answered no. After I explained how we needed to do CGH and everything, she asked me what CGH was. I thought to myself, I'm sure glad we're not using this fertility clinic. Anyway, she wished us luck and we left.

It didn't take us long driving from Gulf Breeze to Pace for my ultrasound appointment. In fact, we were about 30 minutes early. I signed-in and we sat in the waiting area. Finally, we were called back. The lady that did my ultrasound was very nice and knew exactly what it was for. She was gave me a play-by-play on everything that she was measuring. She said that everything looks normal, all the follicles were still small.

After the ultrasound appointment, we went home and we waited and waited and waited to get the results of the blood test. Finally, the results came in. Everything is a go for stims tomorrow morning! So yay!

The meds have arrived...

2008-10-21T13:34:00.013-05:00

Yesterday, I finally gave Schraft's Pharmacy the go-ahead to ship my meds. This go around, my meds cost is the highest it's ever been... $2,900. And we didn't even get any post-retrieval meds (Estrace, Vivelle, Prometrium, Medrol), as we're not doing embryo transfer this cycle.

After I got off the phone with Schraft's, I began to feel really anxious and nervous and started freaking out. Oh the ups and downs of this infertility roller coaster ride from hell... One minute, everything's fine; the next minute, I'm freaking out. I felt my life spiraling out-of-control, and I couldn't do anything about it. My mind was racing a mile a minute, feeling overwhelmed at all the meds I have to take...again, worried about the number of eggs I will produce, thinking about the egg retrieval and how I react to anesthesia afterward, scared that we may not have any normals after the CGH testing, freaking out over the amount of money we've already spent on infertility treatments.

I woke up at around 4am this morning and went to the living room, so as not to wake up Jerry, and had a good cry. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I had no more tears. After I calmed down a bit, I went back to bed. It took me a little while to fall back asleep.

This morning, the FedEx truck delivered my meds:

* Menopur 75u vials (14 vials)
* 3cc 22G 1 1/2 inch syringes (20 syringes)
* 27G 1/2 inch needles (14 needles)
* Follistim Pen
* Follistim AQ 900iu cartridges (2 cartridges) w/ needles
* Dexamethasone 0.5mg tablet (25 tablets)
* Cetrotide 0.25mg kit w/ needles
* Novarel 10,000u
* 27G 1 1/4 inch needle (2 needles)
* Tetracycline 250mg capsule (16 capsules)
* Sharps container

I am doing much better today. Maybe it was the cry in the middle of the night. Or maybe it's because we received the meds. I always seem to get "excited" when I receive my meds, maybe like the way a drug addict feels. I don't know.

Tomorrow morning, I will go for my suppression check. If all goes well I start my stim meds this Thursday, starting with my 1st Menopur injection in the morning. Wish me luck tomorrow!

First appointment arranged

2008-10-14T10:36:00.006-05:00

I finally have my first appointment finalized. It has taken me about a week of back and forth phone calls to get things set, so I'm relieved about that. It's my suppression check appointment - to make sure that I don't have any cysts and that my E2 (estrogen) and P4 (progesterone) levels are within the correct range before I start my stim shots. Dr. Tucker's office will be doing the vaginal ultrasound, and Dr. Kouliano's (fertility clinic based out of Mobile, and has an office in Gulf Breeze) office will be doing the blood work. On October 22nd, I will go to Dr. K's office at 9am for the blood work and he will FAX the results to CCRM that day. Then later that day, after CCRM gets the FAX, my nurse will call me and tell me what to do next. Hopefully, my hormone levels will be within the range so I can start my shots the next day. If not, then I will probably have to wait another cycle. Let's hope that doesn't happen. I want to get it over with already. I'm already having second, third, fourth, etc. thoughts about doing this again, so any delay wouldn't be good. Anyway... after Dr. K's office, I will have to book it to Pace to Dr. T's office, where I will have my ultrasound. Hopefully traffic will not be too bad, as I have to get from Gulf Breeze to Pace by 10:30am.

So right now, I wait...again.

CCRM in the news...again!

2008-10-13T21:06:00.003-05:00

Just another reason why I feel like we made the right decision about going to CCRM...

http://www.reuters.com/article/pressRelease/idUS212174+30-Jul-2008+BW20080730

Waiting...

2008-10-05T20:22:00.019-05:00

So right now, I am waiting to finish my BCP. You'd think that I'd be used to doing all this waiting, but it never gets easier. Waiting for my cycle to begin. Waiting for the right days to take the tests. Waiting for the results. Waiting for the IVF calendar. Waiting to order the meds. Waiting for the meds to arrive. (And it's like Christmas every time I get my meds package from UPS.) Waiting to start the meds. Waiting for more tests. Waiting to take the last shot - the trigger shot. Waiting for egg retrieval. Waiting for the fertilization report. Waiting for the results of the genetic tests. This time, we're going to be doing CGH and that will take at least 6 long, agonizing weeks for the results. Waiting for my next cycle. Waiting to start the meds. Waiting for more tests. Waiting for the embryo transfer. Waiting for the pregnancy test. And if it's a BFN, then waiting for my cycle to start so I can do this all over again. It seems like the waiting never stops for me, and maybe that's why it's so hard.

Our lives are on hold...every day, every month, every year. Not fully living nor fully dead. For over a decade now, we have been waiting, only to end up right at the beginning every single month. While other people are going on with their lives, enjoying their lives to the fullest...with their children, planning for the future, we are stuck in this holding pattern. Waiting. Always in limbo. We cannot move forward without children, yet we are not ready to give up. So we have no choice but to wait. Waiting to get out of infertility hell and to the land of the living.

Last test down

2008-10-01T13:12:00.006-05:00

So I had the last test that the doctors could do on me as far as fertility issues are concerned. I was all nervous and freaked out about the HSG test this morning. I was so scared of having that test done because I had read horror stories out there about it, how it was the most painful experience and all that. But I guess everyone is different. I talked with a few woman on the fertility boards, and they said that it wasn't as bad as they thought.

We were told to be at the Diagnostics Center at Sacred Heart by 8:30am this morning. We parked in the Brent Lane parking garage - let me tell you, it was nerve-wrecking driving the huge Yukon in the low ceiling parking garage. We had to circle around several times to find parking. We finally found parking on the second deck.

We had the first check-in at the Diagnostic counter. Basically, it was just me telling the receptionist who I am and what test I'm having done. Then we were told to wait in the first waiting area located in the main hallway. It took us about 30 minutes to be called for the second check in. We had to fill out insurance stuff and pay. I was just thinking, the price we pay depends on if we have infertility coverage. We don't have infertility coverage, but it's just a diagnostic test. Oh well. What's another few hundred bucks right? Just comes out of our savings, which is dwindling rather quickly now.

After the second check-in, we waited for like 5 minutes to be called back. Jerry had to wait outside in the hallway. Lord knows he doesn't need any radiation to damage what miniscule good sperm he has already. The nurse was really nice and explained how the test works. And then she said that I looked very familiar to her. I told her that she may have seen me with my MIL, when I took her to get her x-rays done. We talked for a little while, as the PA doing the test was running a bit late. I told her all the tests that I had already went through, and she made a comment that it's a man's world. If it was a woman's world, after finding out about the male factor fertility issue, a woman wouldn't order all these tests that I had to go through. Yep, it's a man's world alright.

Anyway, the PA came in and he was very nice. He explained what he was doing step by step. For the record, I hate pap smears. It was almost like a pap, except that a catheter was inserted through my cervix. At the end of the catheter was a balloon that was inflated so that the dye wouldn't drain back out the cervix. The dye is then injected and I could see the dye fill up my uterus and then my fallopian tubes and then spill out at the end of my tubes. After it was all over, the nurse called Jerry in so that he could see. The PA described the parts of the x-ray. He pointed to a triangular shaped object as being my uterus. He said that it looked normal. Then he pointed to a sphaghetti like thing, and those are the fallopian tubes. And then he showed us the dye that spilled out at the end of the tubes. And then said that everything is normal. The shape of the uterus is normal. The fallopian tubes are normal, there were no blockages as evidenced by the dye spilling out at the end of the tubes. Jerry went back out in the hallway to wait for me as I got dressed. On my way out, the nurse jokingly said that she'd give Jerry an enema, only because I had to go through yet another invasive test only for it to turn out normal. We both laughed, and she said it's the least he could do. I like her.

So yay, at least now it's totally official. And boo, there is nothing wrong on my end that would prevent us from conceiving. However, I do wish that there was something wrong with me because anything would be better than genetic issues.

The doctors waited so long for me to have this test done because they didn't think it'd be an issue since we already know the cause of the infertility. When the doctor ordered it, he told me that he didn't think I had any blockages but that he needed it so that all the bases are covered. I was hoping that they would find a blockage that could possibly cause backflow of toxic fluid. That would explain why the embryos didn't implant this last time and that could be fixed. But nope. No such luck. They couldn't find anything wrong (physically, hormonally, or genetically) with me, so that means that there are more genetic issues wrong with the embryos, most likely due to the pairing up of the translocated chromosomes with normal chromosomes.

Even though the embryos were tested for the known genetic issues (translocation of 13 and 15), because of the specific type of genetic issue that Jerry is a carrier, it may cause other chromosomal abnormalities in the embryos. So even though they checked for chromosomes 13 and 15 to be normal in the embryos, just because of the translocation, the bulkiness of the fused 13 and 15 could knock other chromosomes out of whack.

Because of this new research on translocation carriers, there is a very little chance that the other chromosomes will be normal. We are guardedly cautious now, so that's why we are opting to do the CGH where it tests for all 23 pairs of chromosomes. We can no longer rely on just testing 13 and 15, as there is research suggesting that other chromosomes might be aneuploid. Because of this, we expect even fewer embryos to test normal for the number of chromosomes.

For more info on the research on translocations:
http://ohsufertility.com/Papers/pgd%20balanced%20translocation.pdf

After reading the article, I got even more discouraged. And I thought about the conversation we had with Jerry's brother and his wife the other day. We had dinner with them last Friday, and my SIL told us that they knew a couple who met after Hurricane Ivan, got married, and and now they have a 1 year old. Oh I was so jealous! We've been married almost 15 years now, spent over $100K on fertility treatments, and still no baby. I'm trying to focus on the positive though. And the positive thought now is that it's a good thing that Jerry has a really well-paying job and is able to work from home; otherwise, we might not even can afford fertility treatments or travel to the clinic. Everything happens for a reason, people always say. I'm not sure if I believe that.

We're going for it again!!!!!!!!

2008-09-24T22:10:00.006-05:00

I got my IVF #3 schedule!!!! I'm so excited! I want to be a mom so bad that I'm throwing caution to the wind and going for it again!!

Here's my tentative schedule, as the date may change for the egg retrieval.

I started my period on Monday, so that's cycle day one (CD 1). I start the BCP today (CD 3), and I will be taking it for 25 days. I don't like taking BCPs, as they make me nauseous. But I don't mind because it's just one of the hurdles I have to go through to have a baby. The reward definitely far outweighs what I have to go through.

Next Wednesday (October 1), I will have to do the HSG test here at the radiology department in Sacred Heart. You would think that with all I've been through, I wouldn't be anxious about this test. But, I'm very nervous about it. I'm nervous partly due to the horror stories I've heard and mostly because I have little confidence in the health professionals here (other than my GYN and regular doctor and opthamologist and allergist and...Gosh, I see a lot of doctors) in Pensacola. Maybe I'm just tainted by my experience with the local fertility doctor. I don't know.

I take my last BCP on October 18. Then October 22, I have my suppression check. The suppression check is to make sure that my ovaries are "quiet." In other words, no follicles/eggs are growing. It is checked via vaginal ultrasound and hormone blood tests. I'm always anxious with the suppression because I have been known to ovulate while on BCP AND Lupron shots (Lupron is supposed to further suppress the ovaries) at the same time. But then again, I was a patient here at the local fertility clinic when that happened. Again, I should've been monitored more closely but I digress...

I start my stimulation shots on October 23. I should be on the same meds as before - Follistim in the morning and Menopur in the evening.

October 26, I will have to have my first ultrasound/blood work at CCRM. Because I have to be there by then, we have to leave Pensacola on October 24. We will be driving the Yukon again, as we are taking Buttercup with us. We will stay overnight in Dallas. It just happened to work out for us that Dallas is the half-way point.

I will have to go in for ultrasound/blood work every day until egg retrieval. Dr. Schoolcraft is very cautious, as I developed severe, and I mean severe OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation) with IVF #1 here in Pensacola under the care of the local fertility doctor.

My tentative egg retrieval date is November 3. But I tend to take a little longer to "cook" my eggs, so the surgery may be later. We will not be doing any embryo transfers this cycle, as we are doing CGH to test all 23 pairs of chromosomes. That genetic test will take approximately 6 weeks, so after the embryologist biopsies the embryos on day 5, he will immediately vitrify them. Vitrify is the new way of freezing the embryos, with a 99% change of not damaging the embryos versus the old method (that the local fertility doctor did) which has a 50-50 chance of damaging the embryos. So after we get the results, I would start preparing my body to accept the CGH normal embryo(s). That would be a Frozen Embryo Cycle (FET). I've been through 3 FETs before, and they're not as hard on the body as going through regular IVF (which this will be my 3rd IVF). It takes about another 6 weeks to get ready for the FET, so we're looking at early next year before I actually can get the embryos. That means another drive to Denver, possibly in the snow!

We were thinking of just staying in Denver from October on to the FET cycle, but that wouldn't be feasible. We looked at renting a house, but I don't want to live in another house other than my own. It goes back to my OCD.

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!

Peace, if not only for a moment

2008-09-07T20:35:00.021-05:00

We woke up at 9am so that we could go to the 10:30am Mass. We usually like to get to church at around 10am, as we like to "prepare" for Mass. I usually start by kneeling and doing the Sign of the Cross and a prayer asking for forgiveness. Then I reflect on His Passion.

Jesus suffered both physically and mentally. He was rejected. Judas betrayed Him, Peter denied Him three times and the rest of the Apostles abandoned Him. Those who tortured Him not only wanted Him dead, but they also wanted Him to suffer. He endured horrendous scourging. At the praetorium He was publicly derided and sentenced to death by crucifixion. As a further humiliation, He was forced to carry the instrument of His execution. He was so weak, He could hardly walk and yet He dragged the heavy cross on His shoulder and fell with the cross on top of Him. He got up each time. After reaching the crest of Calvary, He received the nails into His hands and feet. When they raised the cross up, the nails in His hands held His body up. But His up-stretched arms began to squeeze His lungs and He couldn't breathe. So He had to push down on His crucified feet to raise His body to fill His lungs with air. He managed to do this for three hours. Finally, He had no strength left and He suffocated, and died, giving us His life.

Whenever I think of what Jesus suffered and died for us so that we may live, I no longer thought of myself - only Him. This brought me peace at the moment.

I will close this blog with a quote from St. Gemma Galgani.

“I wish that my heart could beat, that I could live and breathe only for Jesus, I wish that my tongue could utter no other name than that of Jesus; that my eye could see only Jesus; that my pen could write only about Jesus, and that my thoughts could soar to nothing but Jesus. I have often wondered where on earth there might be something on which I could center my love. But neither on earth nor in heaven do I find any such thing but only my beloved Jesus… I am the fruit of Your passion, Jesus, born of Your wounds. O Jesus, seek me in love; I no longer possess anything; you have stolen my heart…” - St. Gemma Galgani

Yup

2008-09-02T22:37:00.002-05:00

I am a Mom Wannabe

2008-08-28T09:03:00.004-05:00

A Mom Wannabe

By Alison Kathleen Whitney

I want to be a Mom. But I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe.

I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't.

I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.

I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant glow". I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case". I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly.

I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met.

I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become a Heavy Burden".

I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks, but I can't. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. Instead, I imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and
high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.

I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes.

I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined.

I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it", but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this.

I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon He will give it to us.

I want to be a mom, but I can't.

The sting of infertility

2008-08-27T12:59:00.026-05:00

I've received many heartfelt messages, and have been told many times that they wish there was something they could do for me. Most even told me that they just don't really understand what I'm going through, so they don't know what to say. And that's ok. But how can I describe the feeling of isolation and being "different" to people who cannot possibly know what that feels like? Infertility is one of the biggest challenges that life has thrown our way. It is hard to see beyond the immediate pain of infertility. Everywhere I turn, I'm faced with that fact. I would say about 99% of my friends and family have at least one child and/or are currently pregnant. How can I find a way to be happy for others without always focusing back on myself?

They are members of a club that I may not ever be able to join. They would talk for hours about their pregnancies, sharing morning sickness stories and talking about which obstetrician was best. This would launch them into stories of their first pregnancies and deliveries. I spent long blocks of time saying nothing because I had nothing to contribute to these conversations. Each time one of the babies kicked or moved for the first time, I was reminded that I may never get to experience that. Life had denied me a basic experience shared by almost every other woman on the planet.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I'm in my mid-30's, and most of the people we know became parents in their mid-20's. My husband's childhood friends have children ranging in ages from 11 to 21. My friends are either single and not even thinking about children or married and have young children or are currently pregnant. This means that I am in a different stage of life than most of the people I knew, which made me feel like the "odd man out." Jerry and I were talking about this a few days ago, and it's hard to imaging that we could've had a 13 or 14 year old had infertility not been a word in our vocabulary.

Some of our friends are childless by choice. It must be nice to have a choice in childbearing. I've heard people refer to these couples as DINKs (Dual Income, No Kids). I did not want to be a DINK (although we're just single income now, so would that make us a SINK?). I've read about how DINKs were choosing not to have children; instead they lead very lavish lifestyles involving travel and acquiring nice things. That did not describe us at all.

So we felt like we did not fit in anywhere. One set of friends talked about their children all the time, and the other set talked about their travels. We knew nobody who was in our situation, and this makes us feel very lonely. We eventually stopped attending functions such as baby showers and the like. I do admit that I attended a baby shower earlier this year; however, I debated back and forth on whether or not I was going to attend - not because I have anything against her (on the contrary, I think the world of her) but because I was afraid that I might lose my composure and bawl my eyes out. Jerry and I were sad but really enjoyed shopping for my friend's baby shower. We were sad because the stuff we were getting were not for our baby but for another family's. And the joy came from looking at all the baby items and thinking that maybe one day people will be attending OUR baby shower.

The last few weeks, I've been having trouble sleeping and trouble with controlling my grief. After years and years of BFN after BFN after BFN, it doesn't get any easier. This last BFN was extremely hard - I felt more hurt and sadness than I ever thought possible. I am at wit's end on how I am going to get through this. With each new grief, we relive the past grief as well. I remember the fear I had when we were first diagnosed as infertile. I just assumed that we were a fertile couple, so I had no reason to fear infertility. But when the doctor diagnosed us as male factor infertility, I was in denial. I mean, I was only 25 and Jerry was 29. This had to be a mistake, I thought. But reality set in right after our first official BFN back in 1999. What a rude awakening that was. No one ever warned us that we'd ever feel the paralyzing sting of infertility. After 9 years I still feel the sting as if it was just yesterday. It wasn't until July 2006 that we started letting family and a select group of friends know.

Sometimes, all I need to feel "normal" again is to hear someone else say they're going through the same thing. It's not that I wish infertility on anyone. On the contrary, it's just that I need someone, particularly someone who really understands, to tell me that it's normal to feel this way...That it's normal to feel anger, to feel sad, to feel extremely bitter...all at the same time. I hardly recognize myself anymore. Infertility has forever changed me. Infertility took my identity and gave me a new one.

Anyway...I've joined a couple of infertility boards and tried to be active there. It's comforting to talk with women who've been there and done that and are still battling infertility. Yes, it's a battle, and what an uphill battle it is. Even though I've never met these women, I feel a strong connection with them. And that helps with the loneliness I feel.

Genetics 101

2008-08-19T10:28:00.026-05:00

Last Friday, our geneticist from CCRM called. Apparently, our case is the talk of the clinic. Our geneticist had a meeting with the other CCRM geneticist, the molecular biologist, and the doctor to discuss our very unique situation.

At our first meeting with the genetic counselor back in April, because of the Robertsonian Translocation, she told us that the best chance is doing Pre-implantion Genetic Screening (PGS). There are three types of PGS. The first type of PGS is what's called Fluorescent In-Situ Hybridization (FISH). It tests only 9 pairs of chromosomes. The biopsy is done when the embryo is 3 days old, and it takes one day to get the results so a fresh embryo transfer is possible. The second type of PGS is what's called Comparative Genomic Hybridization (CGH). CGH tests all 23 pairs of chromosomes. The biopsy is done when the embryo is 5 days old. It takes 6 weeks to get the results, so the embryos would have to be frozen and then go back and do a FET cycle. The third type of PGS is called Microarray. Its technology is parallel to CGH and would have to do a FET cycle.

Back in April, the genetic counselor said that our option (because of the type of translocation) of PGS is to do the FISH testing (tests only 9 pairs of chromosomes). CGH wasn't even an option for us, even though it tests all 23 pairs of chromosomes, the technology wasn't that advanced yet to detect translocations.

So fast forward to last Friday when she called us. She said that we can now do CGH testing on the embryos whereas back in April our only option is to do FISH. She said that CGH can now test for translocations. That means that all 23 pairs of chromosomes, instead of just 9 pairs that we did back in July, can now be tested! Wow! She said that when Jerry's chromosomes are pairing up with my chromosomes and because Jerry has the translocation of the 13 and 15 chromosomes, the 13/15 pairing can sometimes disrupt the pairing in other chromosomes (even they're normal to begin with). So even though we know that there's a problem with 13/15, the resulting embryo might have more chromosome issues due to the balanced translocation pairing. Anyway, CGH technology has only been around for about one year now, and the success rate has been 80%. With the FISH testing, the success rate has been 50%.

The biopsy would be done on 5 day old embryos. There is a 1% risk of damage to the embryo. The CGH genetic test (as well as FISH) is about 90% accurate.

So if we choose to do the CGH testing on the embryos, it will test all of the embryo's chromosomes, not just the 9 pairs that were tested back in our July cycle. That might be one explanation that we weren't successful last July.

CCRM is one of the clinics that participates with a finance program called 'shared risk.' If we enroll in the 'shared risk' plan, we would pay a little bit more for IVF but that would only be a one time fee (about $10,000 more). But it would cover 3IVF cycles and 3 FET cycles. And by the end of that and we don't have a take home baby, we would be refunded 70% of the money. We would also get the 70% refund if at anytime we choose to stop doing IVFs or FETs. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, here comes the kicker. We are only eligible for the 'shared risk' plan if we're not doing CGH. In other words, if we choose to do FISH we could sign up for the 'shared risk'. But if we choose to do CGH, we couldn't sign up for 'shared risk'. If not participating in the 'shared risk' plan, then we would have to pay for each IVF cycle.

Now comes the big decision. Do we go ahead and do CGH (with a 80% success rate) or stick with FISH (with a 50% success rate)? If we do CGH, it's all out-of-pocket for each cycle. If we do FISH, we could sign up for 'shared risk' and not worry about having to pay for subsequent cycles. What do we do?

FAQs

2008-08-14T10:57:00.017-05:00

So it was 17 days ago that we received our official BFN. (Sometimes, it seems like only yesterday.) I've had lots of friends and family ask how we're holding up and what we plan on doing next. So I've decided to post some of the questions, and I'll answer them here.

1.
Q: How are you feeling?
A: Sad, angry, bitter, jealous, disappointed, mourning, lost, lonely, hopeless, despair, scared, depressed, and numb ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Yep, that about sums it up.

2.
Q: How is Jerry?
A: I'm sure he's feeling all those feelings, too. And he's blaming himself.

3.
Q: Are you going to do another IVF cycle?
A: I don't know what we're going to do next. I still can't compose myself enough to even think straight. However, I know that we still have 3 frozen embryos..which we infertiles call 'totsicles' or 'snowbabies'... (well, 2 really because 1 embryo's genetics is questionable). One of the normal embryos has completely hatched, and the embryologist doesn't give it much chance of survival. Think about it - that little embryo has been through a lot already: one biopsy for genetic testing, frozen, transferred from Pensacola to Denver in a nitrogen transport container, thawed, biopsied again for repeat genetic testing, and frozen again and then will be thawed again. The doctor said that the best course of action is to do another full IVF cycle with genetic testing and then freezing all the normal embryos. Then let my body get rid of the hormones and then get gently hormoned up again for a FET cycle. So the option is there for us to do another IVF cycle plus transferring the frozen embryos.

4.
Q: If I were you, I'd just go back for the two frozen embryos and not do another IVF cycle.
A: Yeah, thank you for your advice but you're not me and you already have kids.

5.
Q: What will the doctor do differently should you want to do another IVF cycle?
A: The doctor told me that he'd keep me on the same protocol, as I responded really well. So that means, taking BCP for 21 days. Then take daily Follistim shots in the morning and take daily Menopur shots in the evening. Go to the clinic every morning to have an internal ultrasound and blood work done. When my follicles get to the correct size, I would then start taking daily Cetrotide shots in the afternoon in addition to the Follistim and Menopur shots. So that's 3 shots a day. Oh and all the while, take the Dexamethasone pills before bed every night. And when my follicles have "ripened" I go in for egg retrieval surgery. The day of egg retrieval, I start the Medrol pills once a day, antibiotics twice a day, and Prometrium vaginal suppositories three times a day, Estrace pill once a day, wear 4 Vivelle patches and change them out every other day, baby aspirin once a day, and continue taking the meds until the pregnancy test.

6.
Q: I've read or seen a show of someone who had 5 or 6 babies. Maybe you could try that?
A: I know you're trying to help, but our situation is unique. Ours is a not only male factor (idiopathic oogliosperma) but it's also complicated by a genetic issue. And that woman you read about probably did Clomid (or did injectibles) and didn't have to do IVF. Usually if a woman has that many babies, she probably did meds and/or insemination (IUI). And as a quick note, stories like that don't make me feel better. It just makes me feel more jealous.

7.
Q: Everything was "perfect" with this IVF cycle and it didn't work. Have you thought about adopting? Or why don't you just adopt?
A: If I had a penny for when everytime someone mentions adoption to me, I'd be a gazillionaire...Adoption is not a cure for infertility. I repeat. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. I still produce quality eggs. I have a normal uterus. My hormones are normal. And Jerry still has sperm. As long there is IVF and PGS (pre-implantation screening), there is still that. So my answer is no, adoption is not even on our radar.

There have been a couple people who've suggested adoption to us, more than once. While I know they mean well, it really hurts. Like I said before, adoption is not a cure for infertility. Adoption will not make my pain go away. Adoption is not a replacement for what we can't do naturally. As I still have all my female parts and several doctors report that they're still working properly, I just can't give up trying. My doctor doesn't think that we're a lost cause, and he still has high hopes for us to have our own biological child. And it hurts that you've already given up on us for that. Besides, I will always want/need to experience being pregnant - including morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings, baby's kicking, everything...and even childbirth (as crazy as that may sound).

I have nothing against adoption. I'm just saying that it's not for us.

[And speaking of adoption, it drives me bonkers to hear people say something about adopted children. For instance, I've heard several people ask someone if their child was natural or adopted. Last I checked, all children are natural whether biological or by adoption. Anyway...]

8.
Q:Is there anything I can do? I just don't know what to say.
A: It's ok. There is probably nothing you could say to make it sting any less. But I appreciate you.

There were many more comments, especially about God; but I will leave those off the blog. Maybe I'll include them in another blog, but right now my emotionals are still raw.

My reality

2008-08-07T23:45:00.012-05:00

This morning, I had to drive my sister to the airport. She's visiting a couple of her friends in NYC. Besides seeing her friends, she's been wanting to go to the Little Mermaid Broadway show.

After dropping my sister off at the airport, I spent the rest of the day with my mom. She had a few errands to run, so I went with her. My mom's fridge quit on her last night. She's only had that fridge for about a year and a half. It's a GE by the way. I guess they don't make them like they used to. After what seemed like hours and hours, she finally found one that she liked. It's a LG French door fridge. It's basically a side-by-side on the top and the freezer drawer on the bottom. She bought it at Best Buy so that Jerry could get Reward points.

While shopping around town today, I've noticed a lot of pregnant women. Seriously, is everyone pregnant but me? It's like everywhere I turned, there were women with their big pregnant bellies. I was so jealous!! I couldn't help but stare at their bellies, wondering if they realize just how blessed they are. I saw a pregnant lady come in the store pushing a stroller. I couldn't take my eyes off her belly. I bet she was there to get something for the nursery. While my mind was wondering and making up stories of why she's there, I was brought back to reality...my reality of our childless existence.

Then I thought of one of the bedrooms in our house. The front room to be exact. It had always been reserved as the nursery room. We've been in our house for 12 years now, and that room is still empty. We've decorated the rest of our house - but that room is kept immaculate so that one day it could be the nursery. Every time I go in that room, my heart just aches. I can only stay there for a few minutes before I start crying.

Yep, that's my reality.

Life goes on...

2008-08-06T12:55:00.009-05:00

I've been meaning to blog for several days now, but never got the drive to actually write down what's been going on. But after talking with my very dear friend today (bless her heart, she cried on the phone all upset about our BFN), I decided to let everyone know what's going on. It may take me a couple of posts to catch ya'll up, but here goes...

The day after the BFN, we received a call from the embryologist. He seemed shocked that we weren't pregnant. He went over the embryo quality with Jerry (I wasn't in the talking mood, as I was afraid that I would start crying again) over the phone. He said that the two embryos that were transferred were two of the higest qualities that they grade. One embryo was grade 5AA, and the other was grade 4AA. The number in front is the grade of the embryo's shell. The 5AA embryo was half-way hatched, meaning that the embryo had already begun to come out of the shell. The 4AA embryo hasn't come out of the shell yet. Assisted hatching was done to poke a hole through the shell so a biopsy (for genetic testing) could be done. The embryologist even told us that he put embryo glue (made of hyaluronan) to promote embryo implantation. The embryo naturally secretes hyaluronan, but he said that with IVF patients studies have shown that adding embryo glue increases the chance of implantation.

The doctor called a couple of days after the BFN. He sounded really sad for us. He apologized that he didn't get us pregnant, and he said that he couldn't really offer us an explanation as to why the BFN. He said that he and his staff looked over my chart and everything seemed "perfect" - my endometrium, my hormones, even the embryos were excellent... everything was optimal. He told me that the success rate is lower when using Lupron as the trigger instead of the hCG. He knew that I developed severe OHSS with my 1st IVF in Pensacola, and he didn't want to have the possiblility of that happening again. So he suggested doing another IVF, using the same protocol (Antagon cycle with the Lupron trigger). And then do PGS (pre-implantation genetic screening) and freeze all the normals. Then let my body have a normal cycle and do a medicated FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle. The FET requires taking BCP (birth control pills), Lupron shots, Estrace pills, Vivelle patches, Prometrium vaginal suppositories, and Medrol pills. Believe it or not, going through a FET is much easier on the body than doing a whole IVF cycle. Anyway... the doctor said that the FET might be better for us, as it involves less hormones. He also said that the success rates of PGS'ed vitrified embryos is about 75%.

The doctor said that we could start this September, with my September period. So right now, we're deciding on whether or not we want to pursue another IVF cycle or go ahead with the FET of the two frozen embryos we already have. We have mixed emotions. On one hand, even though it was devastating about the BFN, I still have a glimmer of hope that CCRM can get us pregnant. (I have no regrets whatsoever about going to CCRM. I just wished that I had gone to them first, instead of going to our local fertility clinic.) On the other hand, I don't know if I can take another BFN. Unless you've been through it, it's hard to describe all the emotions that come with cycling alone much less getting the BFN news.

Surviving

2008-07-31T08:35:00.011-05:00

We're surviving. Sadly, we've been through this many times before. But this time, it seems to hurt the most perhaps because we went to the top fertility clinic in America and still ended up with a BFN. But I can say that I have no regrets going to CCRM. I have nothing negative to say about my doctor nor the nurses and staff. They have been exceptional.

I'm trying to remember that no matter how unbearable it feels right now, I won't feel like this (with this intensity) forever. And if I stay in each moment, I find that grief ebbs and flows, so that in between feeling like I want to die, I also have moments that don't quite hurt so much...when I can breathe a little.

Today is the focus. It's the only place we can be. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow will sort itself out.

I'd like to thank all of you for your responses, phone calls, and emails. I appreciate your support, well wishes, and prayers.

No words

2008-07-29T08:48:00.013-05:00

Last night, we received the most heartfelt phone call; and it was from Jerry's boss' wife, Soo. She is extremely nice, one of those people that anyone would be blessed to know. Soo called last night after Jerry sent an email to his boss and told him the news. They've been one of the people giving us support from the beginning. The phone call started like a regular phone call, and then towards the end of the conversation I heard Jerry get choked up a little. I asked Jerry what she said and he told me, "Now why can't we get support from our parents like that?" I told him that my mom is just an overprotective mother hen, and that she never filters what she says. What she's thinking is what comes out of her mouth, even if it's way hurtful. Jerry's mom, on the other hand, well.. I don't know. We haven't heard from her; she rarely calls us anyway. There's never an in-between of the two extremes.

Anyway... back to what Soo said on the phone. She told Jerry that we're really special to her; she even calls us family. And then she told Jerry to be there for me, be strong. She also told Jerry that she is really proud of me and wished that I was her daughter. She even wished that she could pop one out and give the baby to us. And all through the conversations, Jerry told me that she was crying. But that's not what choked him up. What choked him up was what she said.

Seriously, how does one move on from this? In the back of my mind, I know that we have 2 frozen embryos. That's potentially two children. But how can I get my heart to stop hurting so bad to even think about going on?

Beta results

2008-07-28T16:25:00.004-05:00

BFN.

8dp5dt

2008-07-27T16:33:00.008-05:00

So I caved in a did the First Response urine pregnancy test. One line. BFN. Again, that's IVF lingo for big friggin' negative. I did the test right before Mass. I didn't have the heart to tell Jerry, as I didn't want him to feel the same way I feel before church and all through church.

After Mass, as we were walking into Albertsons, I told him. His face just sunk. We were quiet during the whole grocery shopping, each in our own world letting it sink in and deal.

I feel like I'm in a daze. We've just tabbed up the money spent on trying to have a baby (starting with the first IUI back in 1999), and we've just crested the $100,000 mark (we're 100% out-of-pocket).

We are toying with the idea of moving to Denver to get a fresh start. Don't get me wrong. I love our house. I designed it from scratch, and I put my heart and soul into this place. But maybe we need a change of scenery, a new perspective? I wish we could keep this house AND have one in Denver. But we have bills to pay. Know anyone who wants to buy a house?

* cul-de-sac, 1/4 acre lot in a recorded subdivision w/ homeowner's association
* custom built in 1996
* 2,000 sq. ft. brick house on concrete slab
* 2 car garage
* 4/2
* 2x6 walls
* air conditioning system where if you run the air, it'll heat the water so rarely use the hot water heater to have hot water
* 9 ft. ceilings in all rooms, except 12 ft. cathedral in living room, kitchen, and dining room
* Marble wood-burning fireplace
* Brazillian cherrywood in living room and hallways
* Oak hardwood(mosaic pattern in bedrooms)
* new shatter-proof low-e/argon Pella casement windows, 9 lite prairie design, wood casings
* All windows have custom vertical blinds with center split
* Mstr bathroom: travertine tile floors & shower, quartz countertops, cherrywood cabinets, Kohler porcelain sinks, Delta 3 piece faucets, Hansgrohe shower head, garden tub w/ wide stream faucet, separate commode room w/pocket door plus Kohler one-piece toilet, octagonal window in commode room
* 2nd bath: travertine tile floors, quartz countertops, cherrywood cabinets, Kohler porcelain sinks, Delta 3 piece faucets, shower/tub combo, Kohler one-piece toilet, octagonal window
* 8 ft. all-wood French backdoor (Pella) with in-between glass cellular blinds and multi-point lock door handles
* Baldwin lever exterior/interior door handles
* Soffit lights outside
* Gutters w/gutter guards
* sprinkler system with 100% yard coverage
* professionally landscaped yard

We're not greedy. Some money leftover for a downpayment on a new house in Denver would be nice but not necessary.

Nothing is for sure until the beta tomorrow. Maybe the urine test is wrong (hey, it can happen - but it has never happened to me). We're trying to hold out hope, but it is so hard when all we've known is disappointment. I hate this infertility rollercoaster ride from hell. I don't want to ride it anymore. I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I just want to get the blood test over and done with so we can figure out where to go from there. I'm still going to keep taking my meds until they tell me not to. We still have 2 frozen embryos in Denver, and that'll probably be the first thing we do. But we'll have to talk with the doctor first and see what he recommends. He might recommend that we do another fresh cycle and add the frozen embryos with that. I don't know. I'll post the reults of my beta tomorrow.

4dp5dt

2008-07-23T12:31:00.010-05:00

So I'm 4 days past a 5 day transfer today. Implantation, if it were going to occur, should've already happened. I'm hoping and praying that our 2 embryos have settled in nicely and will stay there for the next 9 months. I so want to do a hpt (home pregnancy test), but I know it's too early now. I belong to an IVF board, and the ladies there have gotten positive hpt's as early as 5dpt (5 days past transfer). That would be tomorrow for me. I've tried talking Jerry into doing a hpt tomorrow morning before we leave, but he refuses. He says what if it's negative, we'd be depressed all the way home. And it could be a false negative, so we'd be depressed for nothing. But I'm so anxious.

I know I'm impatient - but you have to understand - I've been waiting almost 15 years!!

I'm not having any of the "symptoms" (period-like cramping) I had with my last 2 embryo transfers although they were done in Pensacola and those cycles were the frozen embryo cycles with unexpanded embryos. So those symptoms don't count in my book.

I am usually not a nap person, but ever since Saturday I've taken naps every day around 2pm for like an hour or so. Also, I've been feeling a bit dizzy at times. Are those pregnancy symptoms or just the side effects of the progesterone suppositories and the estrogen patches and pills? I'm not having period-like cramping although the nurse did tell me that some women do experience that. I guess right now, I'm just looking for ANY symptom.

I told Jerry that I want to do a hpt this Saturday, but he's still hesitant. We'll see. I've been told by the other women on the IVF boards that First Response is the most sensitive, so that's the one I'm going to use.

Jerry said that he's so not looking forward to going home only because of the weather there in Pensacola. He said that he may just put a FORE SALE sign on the front lawn after he mows it Saturday. I joked around with him saying that if he doesn't stroke out first. He's gotten so used to the weather here, and acts so shocked when the people here say it's so hot. He said he'd take this kind of hot over Pensacola hot anyday. He's not the only one. I totally love the weather here as well. Plus there are so many things to do here. I'll post about that in another blog. But right now, I am obsessing about whether or not I'm pregnant or not.

I'm 3dp5dt today!

2008-07-22T11:32:00.009-05:00

Yep. For those that aren't familiar with IVF lingo, I'm 3 days past a 5 day transfer.

The doctor called me Saturday morning and asked if we could go in a bit earlier because the genetic results are back. He also said to be thinking on the way to the clinic as to how many embryos - two or three - to transfer.

When we got to the clinic, we were brought up to the second floor waiting area. A nurse came right out to bring us back behind the double doors into an embryo transfer room. She took my temp and my vitals. She also explained to us the do-s and don't-s after embryo transfer. Then she said that she would be right back with a valium for me to take. I was hesitant, so she explained what it's for - to relax me and my uterus. So I agreed to take it.

Then a phlebotomist came in and took my blood. Once again, one prick and done. She explained that the doctor wants my baseline hormone levels.

Then the doctor came in and asked me how I was feeling. When I told him that I felt great, he gave me a high-five! He then asked us if we've decided how many embryos we wanted transferred. We asked him the qualities of the 7 fresh embryos, and he said that he'll get the paper with the results. He came back in a few minutes later, and he said that 2 embryos were AA quality, meaning that they're the highest grade the embryos can get. He said that the other 5 embryos were so-so quality, one BB and the others lower quality. We asked him what are the chances of triplets if we transferred the 2 AA quality embryos and the one BB quality embryo. He said that given my age and fertility (he said that I was VERY fertile), the chance of triplets is roughly 20% for me. Well, 20% is too high of a percentage for me, as I am afraid to have triplets - too many complications and I want the babies to have the best chance. So we said we'd just transfer the 2 AA quality embryos. The doctor said, "Good choice" and left. I assume he left to tell the embryologist how many embryos to bring to the room.

Then the embryologist came in and brought in his equipment. The equipment looked like a premie baby incubator, except inside had a microscope and stuff. There were two holes with doors that the embryologist sticks his hands through to get the embryos. Jerry wanted to take a picture with his camera phone, but he didn't want the flash to bother the embryos. The lights in the room were very dim.

The doctor came back in and got me ready to receive the embryos. It was like being at my GYN's office getting a pap, except the ultrasonographer was there pressing with the ultrasound want on my very full bladder. The whole process was a bit uncomfortable, but I just went to my happy place. Then I saw the embryologist remove a long thin straw that had the embryos in it and hand it to the doctor. He explained what he did every step of the way. I felt a little twinge, like something pushing past my cervix. Jerry got to look at the ultrasound screen the whole time and saw the embryos being injected into my uterus. This is his 3rd time seeing this, so he sort of knows what to look for. Then it was over. The whole process took like 15 minutes.

Then the nurse inverted the bed, where my head was lower than my feet. And she said that she'll be back in 15 minutes to see if I need to use the bedpan. Both the doctor and the embryologist wished us luck and left. So it was just me and Jerry in the room.

Then 15 minutes later, the nurse came in and asked me if I needed to use the bedpan. I was so embarassed to use it, but I knew if I didn't I'd explode. She got me set up and told Jerry to push the red button when I was done. Then she left me to my business. I was very embarassed, especially with Jerry looking at me. So I told him not to look at me. So he took out his cell phone and was fiddling with that. Then I told him I was done and he pushed the red button. The nurse came in and got me all fixed up. And asked me if I needed more warm blankets. She was very professional about all of this. I know people use bedpans all the time at this clinic, but still I was very embarassed.

Then the embrylogist came back in and told us in further detail about our embryos that we didn't transfer. He said that the 5 other fresh embryos weren't that good of a grade so he's going to let them grow another day to see. Then he would freeze the ones that were "good" and would call us on Monday to let us know how many he froze.

Then he told us about the 5 frozen embryos that we had shipped here from Pensacola. He said that when he thawed them, one of them immediately was dead. Another one died within the hour. And the third one died shortly after that. So two out of the five survived the thaw. The ones that survived, he had biopsied and sent for genetic testing. The genetic tests came back as 1 out of the 2 being normal, meaning not having an unbalanced Robertsonian translocation. So there you have it. The Pensacola fertility doctor messed up, and we now have proof. Anyway...

We stayed there for about an hour, and I had to use the potty. So the nurse accompanied me to the bathroom and told me when I was done that there would be a wheelchair waiting for me. So I got changed and did my business in the potty, and she wheeled me out of the clinic where Jerry had already pulled up with the Yukon. I stretched out horizontally in the back seat for the ride back to the hotel.

So I've been on complete bed rest ever since Saturday afternoon. That's why I haven't had the chance to post an update. Today, I'm allowed to get up and sit up a bit. I can do more and more each day, but I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous, including exercise or even picking up Buttercup.

On Monday, we received the call from the embryologist saying that out of the 5 fresh embryos that we didn't transfer, only 1 was good enough to freeze. We were a bit sad about the news. The one that he did freeze isn't that good of a quality though. So as of now, we have two embryos that are frozen here in Denver. One is from this fresh IVF cycle. The other is from the IVF cycle in Pensacola - not as good quality as the two that were transferred to my uterus.

My beta (blood pregnancy test) is July 28th. Pray for us! I'm hoping we have twins!!

Update!

2008-07-17T19:12:00.004-05:00

So the nurse called me this afternoon just like the embryologist said this morning. I really like it when someone says they'll do something, they actually do it. Anyway...

My embryo transfer date is set for this Saturday. I have to be at the clinic at noon for a 1pm embryo transfer. However, the nurse said that we may have a 2pm embryo transfer depending on if we have to wait for the genetic test results.

I am to take 1 Prometrium at 7am on Saturday. I can't wear any perfumes or lotions. I am supposed to have a partially full bladder, so I need to bring a bottled water. The nurse will tell me when to start drinking.

After the embryo transfer, I will have to be on complete bedrest until Monday, only going up to go potty. We are going to stay in Denver for a few more days just to make sure. So we won't leave here until Thursday. We will stay overnight in Dallas Thursday night. And then be in Pensacola Friday night. Yay!

I can't wait for the results of the genetic tests. Going by what the embryologist said today, we have a good solid 20 embryos to work with. It would be a bonus for us if the 3 embryos that are at 4 cells today start catching up. Because 65% of the sperm have the genetic defect, we're looking at roughly 33% of these embryos to be normal. So let's say we have 20 embryos. Roughly 7 of them should be normal. It'd be great if there are more, but by playing the odds and statistics we figured on 7. So when you think about it, I really needed to have that many eggs to begin with - just to compensate for the genetic defect. I've had people ask me why we needed so many eggs to begin with, and now you know why.

Day 3 embryo report!

2008-07-17T12:09:00.008-05:00

The embryologist just called and gave us an update on how our embryos are progressing. Today is Day 3. He said that all the embryos are "developing beautifully." All 23 embryos divided. He'd like to see more than 6 cells.
Here is the report:

1. There are 3 embryos that are just at 4 cells.
2. There is 1 embryo that have 7 cells.
3. There is one embryo that have 10 cells.
4. The rest of the embryos have 8 cells.

So he said that 20 out of 23 embryos are "developing nicely."

At this point, all of the embryos have been biopsied, and the cells have been sent to Shady Grove Genetics in Maryland to test for the translocation.

Remember that we have transferred the 5 frozen embryos from my 1st IVF in Pensacola to this clinic in Denver. These 5 frozen embryos have to be re-tested because the Pensacola fertility doctor didn't do the genetic test to check for the translocation correctly. Knowing that Jerry has a Robertsonian Translocation of the 13th AND 15th chromosomes, the Pensacola fertility doctor tested only for the 13th chromosome. So when he tells us that 8 out of the 17 embryos that we had at our 1st IVF were normal, in reality we have less than 8 that were normal. So that's why these 5 have to be re-tested. There's a question if the Pensacola embryologist had done the freezing correctly, because we did 3 frozen embryo transfer cycles with him. None of them worked. And when we insisted on an explanation, he told us that the embryo did not re-expand. In other words, they did not make the thaw. So if they didn't make the thaw, why put them in my uterus and give us a false sense of hope? I will never understand that. So we have 5 left, and if these 5 make the thaw (which no one thinks will be likely) then the cells will be biopsied and sent for genetic testing. Even though there is little hope for these 5 embryos, we have to try. We need closure.

Anyway, the embryologist said that a nurse will call us this afternoon with instructions about the embryo transfer that's coming this Saturday. I can't believe it! I'm actually going to make it to a fresh transfer!!

We are on cloud 9.

Details!

2008-07-16T10:52:00.013-05:00

8am - Arrived at the fertility clinic. We waited for like 5 minues on the second floor waiting area. A nurse came out and got me. Jerry had to wait in the waiting area while the nurse prepped me for egg retrieval surgery. I was brought to a changing room where I changed out of my clothes and put on a hospital gown. I was told that I might want to keep on my socks, as it may be kind of cold in there for me. I wore booties over my socks. When I was done changing, the nurse put a warm blanket over me and walked me over to the prep room where I laid on the bed. She adjusted the bed to make me comfortable. Then she talked to me and told me exactly what she was going to do. First, she put the heart monitor probes on me. Then the blood pressure cuffs. Then the finger oxygen thing. In my chart, it says that I'm a hard stick (I only told them what the nurses in Pensacola told me - that my veins are small, deep, and they roll - Funny because everyone here at this clinic can get my blood with only one stick unlike in Pensacola where they have to stick me at least 5 times before giving up and getting the blood from my hand or wrist...ouch!). So she wrapped my left hand with a warm towel for a few minutes. When she took the towel off, she gave me a lidocane shot. She gave me a step-by-step play as to what she's doing and what it would feel like. Then she put the IV in and told me that I will feel a rush of cold going up my arm. Then she told me that the anesthesiologist and the doctor will talk with us before they wheel me back for surgery. The whole prep time took about 20 minutes.

The nurse brought Jerry back to where I was. I could tell that Jerry was very nervous, but so was I. I mean, I know it hurts him to see me having to go through this knowing that the fertility issue lies with him; but I was preparing myself for the worst to happen. In my mind, with my 1st IVF in Pensacola that doctor got 23 eggs and look how that turned out - I ended up in the hospital for 8 days! And now here, they're telling me that I have at least 25 eggs...well you know what I was thinking - I hope the hospital across the street is good!

The anethesiologist came in first and talked with us a bit. He just went over what we talked about the night before and asked us if we have any more questions. We didn't, so he said he's going to get my "happy juice" ready and left.

Then the doctor came in. She sat down next to the bed and looked very cheerful. She said, "It looks like we got a lot of eggs we have to get out." I nervously said, "Yep." She could tell that I was really nervous, so she said that they're going to do everything in their power to make sure that I don't hyperstim again. She assured us that she will aspirate every follicle that she finds and drain out all the fluid. Jerry asked her how long the surgery will take, and she replied, "About 15 to 20 minutes." Jerry told her that that's what the Pensacola fertility doctor said and it ended up taking more like 40 minutes. Then she said, "We do a lot of these and we're good at what we do." Jerry and I still thought it would take longer than what she said (but only because we had that one past horrible experience in Pensacola). I had to sign a consent form, and then she left to get ready for my surgery.

The nurse said that the anesthesiologist will be in shortly to give me my "happy juice." Within a minute, the anesthesiologist came back in and gave me my "happy juice" right before the nurse wheeled me out to the surgery room. All I remember is looking down at him giving me something in my IV and then the doorway and then I was out.

This part of story is from Jerry. He said that after I was wheeled to surgery, he was escorted back out to the waiting area and that someone from embryology would come and get him. He went to the bathroom and not longer than a minute after he sat back down in the waiting area, someone from embryology did come and get him. He was escorted down the hall and then into a room so that he could give his sample. He said that everything was "top secret" kind of stuff - he had to fill out the paper work and write his information on the collection cup. And then there was a red phone in there for him to use when the sample has been collected and that he was to stay in the room until embryology came to get him. He had to peronally hand the collection cup to the person (not leave it in the room until someone came and got it like with the Penscola fertility clinic) and the person signed that she received it. He even had to show ID and everything. I guess all that's good so there wouldn't be any mix-ups.

Then he went back to the waiting area. It was like 15 minutes before the doctor came out to talk to him. She said that there were 20 eggs and that they're still counting the tubes and that I did fine and that the nurse will go get him shortly. Then about 30 minutes later, the nurse came out and told him that I during the surgery I was wiggling around and the anesthesiologist had to give me more anesthesia and that I'm still groggy from that, so she wanted to let me sleep for another half-hour. And then she'll come get him after that. Then another half-hour passed, she went and got Jerry and brought him to my recovery room.

The first thing I remember after waking up was the nurse putting my glasses on me. Then I saw Jerry's worried face and heard the nurse tell him that I was a still a little groggy. Then she took my temperature, using one of those ear thermometers. Then she waited until I was more awake and told me that I would be feeling a little crampy, like menstrual cramps and to let her know if I would need tylenol. I told her that after my last hyperstim, I can handle any pain (as long as it wasn't the hyperstim pain like before). Anyway...I was a bit more awake and she moved me from the bed to the recliner. After I got settled in the recliner, she gave me ginger ale and some crackers. Not five minutes after I ate a couple of crackers and took a few sips of ginger ale, I was very nauseous. She gave me one of those barf buckets and Jerry held my hair as I barfed. She left us for a little while and when she came back and checked on me, she saw that I was still very nauseous and gave me more Zofran (the anti-nausea medicine) in the IV. She told me that it was probably due to the effects of anesthesia, but she went and asked the anesthesiologist just to make sure. Yep, it was most likely that I was suffering from the effects of anesthesia.

A little while later, the embryologist came in and talked with us. He told us that I produced a lot of eggs, 30 to be exact. Jerry asked him how many were mature, and the embryologist said that he won't know until the next day (Tuesday) with the fertilization report. He said that we will get a call Tuesday morning with the fertilization report. Jerry and I both reveled at the fact that they got 30 eggs from me, and I wasn't feeling the sharp pain (like a bunch of knives in my belly just slicing and dicing my internal organs) like with my 1st IVF. OMG - I thought it would kill me, that's how bad the pain from my 1st IVF was. But this time, it was so much different for me. I felt the occasional menstrual-like cramps and a little bloatedness and besides the nausea, that was basically it.

The nurse came back in and changed out one of my IV bags. Jerry asked her what it was, and she said that they give it (basically and electrolyte solution) to the patients who have the potential of developing OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). Jerry and I looked at each other and thought that the Pensacola fertility doctor should've given me that in the first place to try to stave off hyperstim. But then that's the difference between a crappy fertility doctor (Pensacola) and a world re-known one (Denver).

Then the nurse sat down and went over the discharge instructions and the medications I'm to take.

1. Estrace pill - 1X/day
2. Medrol pill - 1X/day
3. Prometrium vaginal suppositories - 3X/day
4. Vivelle patches - 4 patches on lower abdomen, change patches every other day
5. Tetracycline pills - 4X/day
6. Baby aspirin - 1X/day
7. Vitamins

She also told me to drink lots of fluid, especially Gatorade, and eat lots of salty foods. I don't like Gatorade, but I will drink it - anything to avoid hyperstim. She said that this may be the one time that it's doctor's orders to eat high salt foods. I usually don't eat high salt foods anyway, so it's hard for me to find something salty. We had to read the labels and choose the ones with the highest salt content.

After a few hours, we were given the ok to go "home" (the hotel). The nurse walked me to the changing room and waited for me to change. Then she put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me to the front of the clinic, where Jerry was waiting with the Yukon.

I had such a better experience with this fertility clinic than the one back in Pensacola. It's like night and day, that's how different my experiences between the two have been.

Now here's what happened with my 1st IVF in Pensacola. Got to the clinic in the morning and waited in the general waiting area. One of the nurses came out to the waiting area and put EMLA cream on my left hand. She said it will ease the pain of the IV going in. She left us in the waiting area for a few minutes. Then another nurse took us to the prep room, which was actually just an ultrasound room. She left the room so that I could change into the hospital gown, and I sat on the examination table (not a hospital bed like here in Denver). Then after a few minutes, she came back in to put the IV in. (BTW, the EMLA cream didn't work.) She had to try to put the IV in twice because she kept missing the vein. By this time, my sister-in-law arrived and was in the room with us. Then the doctor came in and talked with us a bit. He didn't explain anything, just joked around a bit. Then he left and the anethesiology nurse (not a doctor like here in Denver) and his wife (who was his nurse) came in and didn't explain anything, except that they will write on my right hand how many eggs were retrieved. Before I knew it, he injected something in the IV (I'm assuming the anesthesia) and I felt very dizzy. My sister-in-law later told me that as soon as he finished injecting, my eyes glazed over. Keep in mind that I was still sitting on the examination table. Then the husband and wife team helped me WALK down the hall to the surgery room. I remember the anesthesiology nurse helping me on the surgery table and strap my legs in the stirrups. I remember during the surgery, I wiggled and kicked the doctor on the side of his head and him telling the anesthesiologist to give me more anesthesia.

The next thing I remember is waking up on a couch (not a recovery room) in the ultrasound room. Jerry and Carol said that I woke up long enough to say "ow" and then passed out again. The doctor nor the embryologist came and talked with us after the surgery. The only person was the nurse, and she was trying to wake me up enough so that I could be released. They said that I was on the couch recovering for about 20 to 30 minutes. Jerry and Carol both said that they wanted to rush me out of the clinic very quickly, probably to make room for the doctor's next patient. Jerry and Carol both helped me WALK out to the car, walking past the waiting room where the other patients were waiting. Jerry said that they looked up at me walking in the shape that I was in and he said that the look on their faces were sheer terror...Like 'OMG what happened to her' kind of look. I left the Pensacola clinic in the most pain I've ever felt in my life and a number written on my right hand (23 for the number of eggs they retrieved).

It was such a horrible experience, totally different from the experience I just had here in Denver. In Pensacola, there was no follow-up as to how I was doing. It was Jerry that kept calling the doctor's emergency number, but no one picked up. The next day when we insisted on a follow-up appointment, the nurse said that she's sorry that she didn't get our message - Apparently, she said that she slept through her beeper. Disgusting. There's more to the story, and I'll probably talk about it at another time.

I'm ok!!!! (quickie update)

2008-07-15T10:54:00.003-05:00

They got 30 eggs from me yesterday morning.
26 were ICSI'ed (meaning that they injected the sperm into 26 eggs).
23 fertilized. Today is Day 1.
We will know more results this Thursday, as to the quality of the embryos.

Tired, so I'll give more of a detailed update tomorrow. Thank you all for your prayers.

Here is a video about the experience of infertility

2008-07-13T21:37:00.001-05:00

This just basically sums it up.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Anxiety is on high gear now

2008-07-13T16:47:00.008-05:00

This morning, I had to go to CCRM for a blood test. Then we had to go to the pharmacy to pick up the Estrace pills (which I will start after egg retrieval surgery tomorrow). After that, it was time for my second Luprong trigger shot. We were about 25 - 30 minutes away from the hotel, and good thing we thought ahead this morning and brought the Lupron in a cooler. So Jerry drove to a secluded place in the Target parking lot and gave me my injection. It seems like we're making it a habit of him giving me shots in the back of the Yukon. But luckily, this morning's Lupron trigger shot was my last injection! Yay!

Ugh. I'm nauseous. So what else is new. It must've been from the Lupron trigger shot. I've taken Lupron before, but it was like 20 units for 2 weeks. Since yesterday evening, I've had 160 units (two Lupron trigger shots, 80 units each time).

I'm getting really nervous about tomorrow morning. I already know that I don't fair too well with any kind of surgery, even though I've only had 2 - the first one was the egg retrieval in July 2006 and the second one was the gall bladder surgery in December 2006.

With the egg retrieval surgery, what was told to us would take 15 - 20 minutes actually took more like 40 minutes or so. Jerry and his sister Carol were in the waiting room at the Pensacola fertility clinic. After the surgery, I was brought to a "recovery" room, which was literally a couch in one of the ultrasound rooms. I don't know how long I laid there, but it wasn't long. I vaguely remember saying ow ow ow and then passing back out. Jerry and his sister felt like the doctor wanted me outta there ASAP, so that he could use that room for the next patient. Apparently, he schedules his egg retrieval surgeries one hour apart. Knowing that I had a lot of follicles to aspirate (34 total), he should've scheduled me last. I had to have help walking out of the clinic. I couldn't even walk upright; I was hunched over and had to lean on them for support. Jerry said that he looked in the waiting area, and I really scared the people waiting for their surgery. He could tell by the looks of their faces. Anyway, I was oblivious. All I felt was excrutiating pain. Anyway, when I got home and was helped out of the car and standing in the garage, I remember Carol holding my hair back so that I could vomit in the barf bucket that they gave us to take home. I will never forget Carol doing that for me, especially knowing how she feels about vomit. Carol stayed with me while Jerry went to the Albertsons to get some Campbells chicken noodle soup. Did I tell you that I have the best sister-in-law in the world? Anyway...

So I just got a call from the anesthesiologist. He asked me a few questions and told me what to expect. He said that he will go over it one more time tomorrow morning before surgery. But basically, I am not to eat or drink anything after midnight tonight.

I'm scared...

Finally!

2008-07-12T17:19:00.004-05:00

We finally got the call from the nurse this afternoon. My estrogen level is 4577, so not much of an increase from yesterday. The nurse said that I'm all set for egg retrieval surgery!! I will take the 1st Lupron trigger shot tonight and then another one 12 hours later. Tonight will be my last night of taking the Dexamethasone pill. I will go in tomorrow morning for blood work only. No more ultrasounds. Woo-hoo! The egg retrieval surgery is scheduled for Monday morning. I wonder how many eggs the doctor will get this time around.

It seems like we've lived in this hotel room forever! I'm starting to get cabin fever. I can't wait to get back home to my comfy bed. There's is just so much of luxury I can take.

We were riding around Lone Tree this morning after my ultrasound appointment. We rode with the windows down, as it was 70 degrees and windy. Jerry said that it's going to majorly suck to go back to Florida weather, and I agree. The day after we get back home, Jerry's going to have to mow the lawn before the neighbors pitch a fit. He's not looking forward to sweating again.

Tonight, we're going to Elway's as a celebration of my getting the trigger shot! http://www.elways.com/Downtown/Default.asp

Gosh, has this been a long ride so far (with many ups and downs in a given day)! Thank you all who've commented, emailed, and called me to lend your support. It really means a lot to me. God bless you all.

Still waiting...

2008-07-11T20:28:00.005-05:00

This morning, I went in for my ultrasound appointment. Let me tell you, 8am comes really early to someone who's definitely not a morning person. My estrogen level is 4557. The doctor doesn't seem to be all too much concerned about the level. I am what's called in the "coasting" mode, meaning that I will not be taking anymore Menopur in the mornings. He doesn't want my estrogen level to get too much higher; he just wants the smaller follicles to catch up to the bigger ones.

We had to go to Todd's Pharmacy this afternoon to get another syringe of Cetrotide. Cetrotide is the medicine that will keep me from ovulating. Because I normally take the Cetrotide injection at 4:30pm, and we didn't get to Todd's Pharmacy until 4pm, Jerry had to give me the injection in the Yukon right there in the pharmacy parking lot!!! How crazy is that? So after we left the pharmacy, I hopped into the middle row of the Yukon (luckily we have a big SUV). Mixed the medication. And Jerry gave me the injection in my belly. The whole process took like 5 minutes, but it was weird because people were just outside the car. After the injection, we laughed about it and made jokes. It's a good thing that we are still able to laugh throughout this whole stressful process. I called my sister Sofia and told her. She told me that we're going to get arrested one day because the cops would probably think that we're doing drugs. Ha!

Anyway... after Jerry gave me the injection, we went to Cherry Creek mall. It's supposed to be a high-end mall with Nordstroms and such. We walked around there for a little while and saw Sbarro's. Yummy! After dinner, we walked around the mall.

Tonight, I have to get the Follistim injection. Let me tell you...Todd's Pharmacy is making a killin'! He's a little bit more expensive; he knows he has the corner on the market here, as all of the infertility patients go to him to get their meds day by day. I usually get my fertility meds from Schraft's Pharmacy (online), but since we're basically taking things day-by-day, we're having to make a trek to Todd's Pharmacy every afternoon now.

Hopefully, I'll trigger tomorrow evening. I'm ready to go home already!

Ok, starting to freak out

2008-07-10T20:33:00.002-05:00

So I'm starting to freak out now. I don't know if my freak out is because of hearing my estrogen level of 4000 or what, but my belly is feeling a bit "full" and a little bloated. It might be all in my head. I don't know. My doctor doesn't seem concerned about my estrogen level, so I'm going to trust him. But I keep remembering what my hyperstim felt like EXACTLY 2 years ago. I can't wait until tomorrow's ultrasound and blood work. Pray that this isn't going to be a repeat of 2006!

We're on our way!!

2008-07-10T17:43:00.003-05:00

Today, we went for my morning ultrasound/blood work appointment. I have 25 good-sized follicles (size 16+) and most likely more. Some might be masked by others, so the nurse thinks I have more than 25. My estrogen level is 4000. When Jerry heard that, he said, "Oh @#$%&!" With my first IVF, I hypertimmed with an estrogen level of 3808. My nurse said that she voiced her concerns to the doctor, and the doctor assures her that he's doing the Lupron trigger instead of the hCG trigger (that was used with my 1st IVF). This doctor said that he's never had a case of hyperstim using Lupron as the trigger. Anyway, I will take 75u of Follistim tonight.

Also this morning, we had to pay $1000 to thaw the frozen embryos (3 boys & 2 girls) from our first IVF, so that they can be re-tested. Remember that Jerry has a Robertsonian Translocation of chromosomes 13 and 15. The Pensacola fertility doctor only checked for 13 in the embryos and neglected the 15. So that means that what he deemed normal, may not be. With our first IVF, we had 17 embryos that were checked. As the Pensacola fertility doctor only checked for 13, that means that whatever he deemed normal, only half of that, at most would be considered normal. So according to him, we had 8 out of 17 that he deemed normal. In reality, at most, only 4 out of the 17 would be normal. So that's why we're having them checked again. My new fertility doctor doesn't have much hope in these frozen embryos due to the fact that the freezing process that was used was "old school." And if by some miracle that these frozen embryos make it through the thaw, they all might be abnormal being that the Pensacola fertility doctor didn't completely check for the translocations. Yes, I'm bitter that he did this to us. How unethical.

Well, I don't want to dwell on that now. I'm just glad that I found a better doctor, but then anyone else would be better than the Pensacola one. My new ferility doctor is great. http://www.colocrm.com/ Also, if you are thinking about going through fertility treatments, I suggest that you look up that doctor on the CDC web site. http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clinics05.asp I just wish that I had done that in the first place. But you live and learn, right?

Here's the CDC stats for the Pensacola fertility doctor:
http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clindata05.asp?Location=84

Here's the CDC stats for the Denver fertility doctor:
http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clindata05.asp?Location=65

What a difference!!

Anyway...The shot count will be 30 after I get my Follistim injection this evening.

I will have another ultrasound/blood work appointment tomorrow morning at 8am. I am not to take any medications until I hear back from the nurse. I might be triggering tomorrow evening or Saturday. And the egg retrieval surgery would be either Sunday or Monday.

We're on our way! I'm so excited. I'm not feeling any of the bloatedness that I felt with my first IVF. (What a world of difference between a nationally known fertility doctor and my first fertility doctor.) I've just been getting very tired, and the nurse said it's probably due to the hormones and possibly also the altitude.

Jerry and I went to lunch today at P.F. Chang's - a Chinese bistro type restaurant. There is one in Destin also. It's really yummy. We ordered shrimp dumplings (steamed), hot & sour soup, wonton soup, beef lo mein, and beef fried rice. It seems like a lot for just two people, but our eyes have been bigger than our stomaches lately. At least we have leftovers for tonight. We're going to celebrate wtih a fancy dinner at Elway's (the restaurant that's off the lobby area of our hotel) on my trigger night. So I'm looking forward to that, as well as getting my trigger shot.

So as of now, all is good here in Denver!

Getting antsy

2008-07-08T12:30:00.006-05:00

Ok. So yesterday I had that rant. More will be coming, I'm sure.

Last night, we spent like 2 hours chatting with a couple of people we had met at the Club lounge. Apparently, they just adore dogs so Buttercup got a lot of attention (as if she never got any lovin' from us). The subject of alcohol came up. We told them that we didn't like the taste nor the smell of alcohol. We even told them that we tasted everything from red wine, white wine, champaigne, etc. Then one of the guys asked if we tried a drink called Baileys. We told him no, so he got the concierge to get us one. Jerry took a swig of it - nobody told him that he was only supposed to sip it - and started coughing. It was so funny. Then the guy said that it's meant to be sipped. It turns out that Jerry liked it. I smelled of it, and it smelled yummy. Because I'm taking all these meds, I didn't take any. It was those gentlemen's last night here, so Jerry exchanged business cards with them and bid them a safe trip home to Sante Fe, NM.

I went for my ultrasound/blood this morning, and the nurse called me with the results. Apparently, I'm just a slow egg grower. I have lots of them though. Maybe the reason they're slow growers is because since I have so many the resources have to be divided out. I don't know. Anyway... my hormone levels are perfect according to my nurse. My estrogen is 986. At this time when I was with the local fertility doctor, my level was 3500. Big difference! I have to take 150u of Follistim tonight. Tomorrow morning, continue with 2 amps of Menopur. Tomorrow evening, 150u of Follistim. On Thursday, I don't take any Menopur. I will go in for the ultrasound/blood and then the nurse will call me with further instructions.

So it looks like my doctor is winding me down, so that means egg retrieval is just a few days away (possibly as early as Friday). So in total, I've had 24 injections, not including tonight's Follistim injection. My belly area is bruised up, even more so than with my 1st IVF. I guess Jerry has no problem finding my veins.

We had to make a trek back out to Todd's Pharmacy during rush hour this evening. The traffic here in Denver is somewhat better than in Pensacola. At least here, the traffic moves right along - just a lot of cars. In Pensacola, traffic seems to stand still, especially getting off at Davis Hwy. Anyway... We were going to go out to dinner near the Park Meadows Mall area (really nice part of town) but we forgot to bring the cooler. My meds have to stay cold, so we had to come back to the hotel. We'll probably just order room service tonight. He really likes the bison burger, so he'll probably get that. As for me, I wouldn't mind another grilled cheese sandwich.

Very offensive rant

2008-07-07T11:14:00.021-05:00

Ok. I'm just going to let it all out. Don't continue reading if all you want to read are the "nice and happy" things because this is one major rant I'm about to have.

So I'm feeling extremely jealous and bitter this morning. I'm jealous of all the people who have kids. I'm jealous of all the women who are pregnant. I'm especially jealous of women who already have kids and are pregnant. Don't take it the wrong way - Although I'm happy for them (and I have a couple of friends that have been wanting another child get pregnant - I'm glad that they got their dream come true), I still feel jealous. I'm jealous of all the people who can decide how many kids they want to have to complete their family. I'm jealous of all the people who can decide on just when to conceive and then conceive within a couple of months. I feel left out because the majority of my friends have kids already and can talk baby lingo, and I'm sitting there wondering what Gymboree is.

We're going on almost 15 years trying to conceive. That's a heck of a long time, if you ask me. For the last half of it, we've been going to see doctors. Unfortunately, we wasted two years with the local fertility doctor. So that's why we're here in Denver. We don't want to waste anymore time. We're not getting any younger, and my biological clock is ticking gosh darn it! I know I won't be this fertile forever. Who knows what all the fertility meds are doing to my body. But that's a chance I'm willing to take.

And I'm bitter of those that have kids and then abuse them. I'm so bitter that crack whores can pop out as many babies as they want and they don't even care what the drug does to their babies. It's so not fair!

Is God telling us something? Are we meant not to have any kids? Would we be bad parents? But then, why if God thinks we'd make bad parents, why would He allow others who already are bad parents have more kids? Is it just not time for us yet? If not, then when? We're not getting any younger. Jerry said that when he went to elementary school and his mom would pick him up, he'd be embarassed because people who ask him if that's his grandmother. Maybe this is God's way of karma (should God bless us with a baby)?

And then there are those who ask us the most insensitive question: "Why don't you two just adopt?" Just adopt? How do you 'just adopt'? Do they think adoption is a cure for infertility? Maybe that's their way of trying to help, but unless if you've been through years and years of trying to conceive, shut it! Adoption is not even an option for us now.

Or what about this: "Just relax!" Um, relax? Was the woman who got pregnant as a result of rape or incest relaxed at the time? Besides, for the first half of our marriage, we couldn't be more relaxed. And that's like 7 years of relaxation!

Or this gem: "In God's time." Yeah, it sounds nice and all, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Why did God choose for a teenager to get pregnant? Or a woman who's in the midst of a divorce? Is that God's timing? Is God trying to tell us that it's not time for us yet? If so, I wish He'd give us a sign so we'd stop spending all this money on infertility treatments!! Or maybe he already has and we're not willing to listen? Then why does IVF work for some and not for others?

We've thought about living child-free. Heck, we've sampled it for almost 15 years now, charging our disappointments on high ticket items. It would scare you how much we've spent trying to fill that hole in our heart that only a baby could fill. And that doesn't even include the clinic fees or the meds (tack on about $50K on top of the $50+K we've already spent on the local fertility doctor)! Yup, add it up. Insane, isn't it? All this for what? I'll tell you what. For what the average regular fertile person can achieve for FREE or maybe a cheap bottle of wine!

Seriously, this just sucks.

Emotional day

2008-07-06T20:42:00.019-05:00

This morning started off with Jerry giving me my Menopur injection. At my ultrasound/bloodwork appointment this morning, I didn't receive such great news. Apparently, my follicles have stalled - meaning that they haven't grown as much as they would've like to have seen. I still have the same number of follicles (about 20), but the sizes weren't as big as they would like. I have about 3 big follicles that she's afraid might start producing LH soon. That wouldn't be good because that means I would ovulate. Normally, we could potentially convert this cycle to an IUI (intra uterine insemination), but the problem is with the sperm. But since that isn't an option for us, I got really worried. She said that I may start the Cetrotide injections today. But she'll let me know after the results of the lab work. She doesn't know why I'm responding this slowly, given the fact that I hyperstimulated the last time. She said that I have great ovarian reserve, as evidenced by my AMH level of over 4. They normally like to see the AMH level above a 1, but having an AMH level as high as a 4 indicates that my ovaries still think they're in their early twenties. She said that I might be the type that responds better to Repronex instead of Menopur. She really doesn't know. But she said that she would talk with the doctor, that we might have to have a re-group meeting with him. Anyway, so we left the clinic kind of depressed. We were thinking the worst, that this whole cycle might get canceled. I was so sad, thinking that this is our last try - that if we got canceled, I'm not doing this again. First, we've already spent a small fortune (getting close to spending $100K on the infertility treatments). Second, I don't want to have to go through the shots and all the hormone manipulations again. It's not good for my body, and it's definitely not good for my mental health. There are so many emotions I'm feeling now, I can't even describe it.

So we get to the hotel feeling depressed. We planned on going to Mass, and we heard that the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception is breath-taking. We didn't make it back in time for the 10:30am Mass, so we went to the 12:30pm Mass. Jerry didn't feel like driving, even for that one mile to the church, so he called the concierge to see if the Phantom Rolls Royce was available to take us. Unfortunately, Sunday is the driver's day off so we didn't get to ride in that. Maybe the Rolls will be available one day during the week when Jerry and I have to go somewhere. So we drove to the church and had to park on the street.

The church is beautiful! It is a huge church, with lots of stained glass windows. The altar was fit for a king.

After Mass, we both lit a candle. It was our first time lighting a candle at church. We've been meaning to do it at Nativity, but we keep forgetting. Today, it's like we were drawn to do that.

Not 10 minutes after Mass, the nurse called me. We had already had our car taken for valet parking when we had to turn right around and go back out to the clinic. She said that she talked with Dr. Schoolcraft and that he wasn't concerned just yet. My estrogen is 543 today, so that was increased by about two times from Friday. He upped my dosage of Follistim to 225u, and I'm having to take 2 vials of the Menopur tomorrow morning. I told her that I had only 1 vial of Menopur left, and that I didn't have enough Follistim. So that's why we had to go back to the clinic this afternoon. They have emergency supplies for things like this. So she gave (after we gave her our credit card) 3 vials of Menopur and 300u of Follistim, just enough to tide us over until we can get to Todd's Pharmacy (a local fertility pharmacy) to pick them up. So guess where we're going tomorrow...

Anyway, Jerry gave me the Cetrotide injection. And I just received the Follistim injection, making it a total of 3 injections that I got today. So in total, I've had 19 injections (not that I'm counting or anything).

What a great day!

2008-07-05T22:14:00.024-05:00

We had a great day today! There are so many things to do OUTSIDE in Colorado. It's so not like us to be outside, but the weather here was just so beautiful and cool.

First we went to the Mother Cabrini Shrine in Golden, Colorado. Here's an interesting tidbit: Professionals were hired to look for water in Mount Vernon Canyon, which was very scarce. None was found until Mother Cabrini's last visit to Colorado in 1912. During a walk with the Sisters, she pointed to a red rock and indicated that they would find water there. In that dry spot, a spring trickled forth which has never stopped. You can read more about Mother Cabrini and the shrine here: http://www.den-cabrini-shrine.org/ Simply breath-taking! We had to walk up 373 steps to get to the top. The stations of the cross and 15 mysteries of the Rosary are represented in an ascending order on the right side of the steps. At the top, there is a great statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

Next stop was Buffalo Bill's grave. It's overrated, I think. However, the view from the mountaintop was breath-taking!

If you click on the picture below, you can see the different mountains in the backgrounds corresponding to the map. The map will tell you how tall the mountains are also.

Our next stop was the town of Evergreen. It's a small town with maybe about 400 residents. We didn't go into town, just to the lake. We ate lunch at a restuarant called The Aspen Grill. They had both indoor and outdoor seating. We opted for the indoor seating right next to an open door. The temperature was perfect, with a little bit of a breeze.

For supper, Jerry ordered the Bison Burger (medium to medium rare). He said that it tasted like a really good quality steak burger. He would eat it again. As for me, I had the grilled cheese sandwich. Yum.

Whew! What a great day we had! We must've walked like 10 miles total today. I'm really glad that we got a chance to see the sights. There are a few more places that the concierge suggest we visit, so maybe we'll do that soon. There's the Red Rock Ampitheatre, where they have outdoor concerts and movies. It's a natural stone ampitheatre so the sound naturally reverberates. Tonight Cyndi Lauper. Sunday night is Symphony On The Rocks. Next Saturday, Boston and Styx are going to be playing there. July 15th, the Foo Fighters.

Happy Independence Day!

2008-07-04T17:21:00.006-05:00

So last night, we got to see fireworks after the Colorado Rockies versus Florida Marlins baseball game at Coors Field. We didn't go to the game; however, we could see the stadium from our hotel window.

There's another game tonight, and I'm sure there will be fireworks as well.

Today, we drove around Lone Tree and Littleton. We really like the area. Everything is so brand new and all the stores are just right there near the interstate. We even drove through some nice neighborhoods. We found a neighborhood in our price range with a mountain view. Jerry got the papers for that. He wants to buy property here and then later on build. So sometime next week, we'll probably be talking with a realtor. He's still saying that he wants our children to grow up with 4 seasons. I grew up with 4 seasons, and it was fun, especially building snowman or having snowball fights. Jerry talked with my mom and I think he's convinced her to move if we move here. So we'll see what happens.

We're going hiking in Evergreen tomorrow. There's supposed to be a quaint little town, and we're going paddle boating around the lake too. Fun! The concierge at the hotel said that we have to try the famous Colorado pizza and the buffalo burger. Jerry wanted to try a bison burger tonight, but we got too tired to even order room service. However, he said that he wants to try as many new things as he can while we're here. And for those that know Jerry, it's something that he normally would not do. I guess he's expanding his pallet, which is a good thing. He always said that when we have children, he wants them exposed to all sorts of food so that they wouldn't turn out to be picky like himself. But he's been so open to trying different foods and even got away from having his steaks and burgers well-done. Now, he enjoys them medium rare (the way good, quality steaks are meant to be eaten).

Trekkin' right along

2008-07-03T12:25:00.019-05:00

This morning, I had my 2nd ultrasound/blood work appointment. So far, I've been on 6 days of stimulation injections/meds. That's a total of 12 pokes in my belly and 2 steroid pills. The nurse measured 20 follicles plus some little unmeasurable ones.

Here's a comparison from my old doctor's results to my new doctor's results for me. After 4 days of stim meds (was 225 units of meds versus now with a total of 150 units of meds), with the Pensacola doctor my estrogen level was 634 (7 follicles) whereas on Tuesday my estrogen was 71 (18 follicles). After 6 days of stims, with the Pensacola doctor my estrogen was 1548 (18 follicles) whereas today my estrogen is 131 (20 follicles). Wow! What a difference! The estrogen level is key to whether or not a woman hyperstimulates or not. This new doctor is monitoring me every day now, including July 4th and on the weekends. (In Pensacola, that doctor doesn't do holidays or weekends.) I'm just going to have to "cook" my eggs a bit longer, so our stay here in Denver may be extended at least a couple of more days. Even though I am homesick, I know my new doctor is doing what's best for me unlike my old doctor who only thought of his schedule and had to do egg retrieval on a Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday.

I had my physical this morning as well. My blood pressure was 110/70, a bit higher than my normal of 100/68. My pulse was 70, still a bit higher than my normal of 60. I don't know if it's due to the altitude or nervousness. The nurse also weighed me, as a baseline for monitoring fluid retention.

We sat down with the nurse to discuss the results. She stressed again that they are keeping a close eye on me due to the fact that I had severe hyperstimulation before. The nurse said that the doctor personally told all the nurses that I have a history of severe hyperstimulation - so my chart is flagged all over the place. The nurse told me that the last case they've had of hyperstimulation that required hospitalization was about 5 years ago. That woman was an egg donor, and had 80 eggs! But the nurse re-assured me that Dr. Schoolcraft has customized my own special protocol, triggering me with Lupron instead of hCG. They've never had a case of hyperstim triggering with Lupron, and that's usually done for women who have a history of hyperstimulation like myself. But she did say that even though they will try to prevent severe hyperstim, it's not a guarantee, which I totally understand. It's one of the risks involved, but at least my new doctor's number one priority is his patients and not the bottom dollar like my old fertility doctor. Anyway... Below is a picture of the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine.

Here is what you see when you first go through the front doors. It's a waterfall thingy, very peaceful and relaxing. To the left, you have check-in for ultrasounds and labs. To the right, you have check-in for doctor's appointments, physicals, and other office procedures. This fertility clinic is huge!

Here is a picture that I took coming back to the hotel. We're on the 11th floor and so we can see practically the whole city of Denver from our room. I took Buttercup to the window to look out, and her little head was moving around following the cars. I wonder what she was thinking.

So Jerry really likes it here. The weather is perfect, not hot and muggy like Pensacola. We naturally prefer cooler weather anyway. Jerry wants to move here now. He's even looked up housing areas, especially around the Lone Tree area near our clinic. The houses and the neighborhoods are really pretty. We passed by a subdivision and the sign in front of it says "Now selling custom homes from the high 900's." Eeek! Way out of our price range. So Jerry looked up some houses that are within our price range and still having that mountain view. I reminded him that I know my family will follow me where ever I go, it'll take a miracle for his family to move. We're very family oriented people, so I like having both sets of parents close by. Jerry is just mesmerized by the weather here. He says that he wants our future child/children to grow up in a place where there are different seasons. He told his mom that he wants to play with our child/children in the snow and his mom said that by the time our child is old enough to play in the snow he'll be too old. How funny is that? Anyway, the topic isn't closed according to Jerry. We'll see.

Lazy day

2008-07-02T15:44:00.004-05:00

This morning, we didn't have to go into the clinic. So it was nice "staying in" today. We trekked upstairs to the Club Level lounge, which is only accessible by those staying on the Club Level floor. Luckily, Jerry thought ahead and got us a Club Level hotel room. It's a bit more expensive, but it's so worth it not having to go out and get food or order the super expensive room service every day.

We took Buttercup for a little walk around downtown this afternoon... Well, it's more like we walked and Jerry carried Buttercup. There is no way I'm letting Buttercup set foot on the dirty concrete outside. She wouldn't know what to do! We didn't want to venture too far away from the hotel though. We got back to our floor (11th) and let Buttercup down to stretch her legs. Jerry stood on one end of the hall and I stood right in front of our door. We kept calling Buttercup to come to us, so she was running back and forth between us. One time, she ran past me even though I called out her name. She turned around and looked at me but still kept going. I had to chase her down at the end of the hall, where housekeeping was cleaning a suite. Buttercup stopped in front of the lady hoping to get some lovin'. But I scooped her up and scolded her. I don't think Buttercup paid any mind to me.

Jerry has been telling me to drink Gatorade practically every 30 minutes. After all this is over, I'm not drinking it anymore. So if you ever offer Gatorade to me, don't be offended if I give you a dirty look.

Tomorrow morning, we go back to the clinic for ultrasound and blood work. I'm anxious to find out how many follicles I have and how big they are. I'm just hoping that the 18 follicles that I have already have grown big enough for me to start the Cetrotide injection. I can't believe I want to add another injection to the list. But that just means that it's getting closer to egg retrieval, fertilization, PGS, embryo transfer, and then home!

We're here! (in Denver that is)

2008-07-01T23:53:00.008-05:00

Boy was it a long, exhausting trip! We left Pensacola right after Jerry gave me the Menopur injection. Ok, it wasn't right after; it was more like an hour later. It was so hard for me to leave our cats. I had to give them one last hug. So after an hour of last hugs, we were out the door. As soon as we got out of our driveway, I was homesick. I've come to realize that I'm a home-body. I don't like leaving our home. I don't like traveling. If it weren't for our desperation of wanting a baby, we probably would never leave home.

We arrived in Dallas, the half-way point, about 10 hours later. We checked into the hotel, and Buttercup got all the attention. Of course, I dressed her up in her pink dress and her hair tied up in a pink bow to match.

We left Dallas an hour later than what we wanted. Jerry had to do a few things for his work. I was getting really nervous about the time because we knew it would take at least 12 hours to drive from Dallas to Denver. I didn't want to get my evening shot in the car at some rest area in the dark. But Jerry got us to Denver in time. All we saw was farmland from Oklahoma through Kansas and the eastern part of Colorado. Let me tell you, Jerry drove the Yukon like he drives his TransAm.

The first thing that we did when we got in our room was to take Buttercup potty. She had been holding it for the whole trip, even though we tried to get her to go potty on her wee-wee pad that we had put in the backseat of the car. Then Jerry gave me my evening injection. After lying in bed for about 5 minutes, we went upstairs to the Club Level lounge, where they had all sorts of evening goodies. Then we went back to our room and went to bed.

Tuesday morning, I had an ultrasound and blood work done. The ultrasound showed 18 follicles, ranging in size from 6mm - 9mm plus lots of tiny, unmeasurable follicles. I was told that a nurse will call me later in the afternoon to give me directions as to how much medication to take in the evening. After the appointment, we needed to find a car wash to get all the bugs off the windshield and front of the SUV. We found a good car wash for like $15, near the clinic. Jerry and I were a bit antsy because we have never had anyone else wash our cars. Anyway, I am happy to report that our car is bug free! Then we made the trek to a nearby Target to get some supplies - Gatorade. I was told by Jerry's cousin's husband (a retired fertility doctor in Gulf Breeze) that Gatorade may help stave off hyperstimulation (if taken before egg retrieval). When I was going through my first IVF, our local fertility doctor told me to drink Gatorade AFTER the egg retrieval. Now I understand why I still hyperstimulated. He should've told me to drink it BEFORE egg retrieval. But anway... The only thing is that I absolutely detest Gatorade. Jerry's brother, Don, suggested that we try the grape flavor. Out of all the flavors, grape seems to make me less nauseated. So I've been trying to chug down 1 liter of Gatorade a day.

So that afternoon, I get the call from my nurse, who by the way is extremely nice and knowledgeable and caring. She told me to keep on my current dosage of medication. She added that I was to take 0.5mg of Dexamethasone right before bed. I forget what she said about the Dexamethasone. I'll ask her the next time I see her (which will be on July 3rd). So she called in a prescription for Dexamethasone to the Target Pharmacy near the clinic. So we brave the 6-lane highway after rush hour to get the medicine. The drive took us about 25 minutes crusing at 65mph. While we were there, we went shopping at a nearby mall called Park Meadows. Let me tell you, WOW. It makes Cordova look ghetto. We couldn't stay long, as we had to get back for my evening injection. On the way back, we got stopped at a train track. It's one of the scariest places to stop, I think. Just imagine. Under a highway bypass bridge, at night. No one around. Downtown. Dark. Ghetto. We were stopped for what seems like forever.

So we get back to the hotel just in time for my evening shot. Jerry had to do some work on the computer. I got on the computer for a little bit, just to check email and such. I took my pill right before bed. Luckily, we had brought some pretzels so I could take that with my pill.

First shot!

2008-06-28T18:28:00.005-05:00

Last night, knowing that I will start my shots, Jerry and I watched a video on how to give the different medications that I will be taking. Even though we've done this before, we just wanted to make sure and are afraid to mess up. After all, it's been almost exactly two years since our last IVF. As we were watching the video, I started to stress out. I remembered how I reacted to the fertility meds the first time around. I don't want a repeat of that. But then I had in my mind that this new clinic that we're going to is a million times better than the one here in town. I will be monitored more closely - so closely that I will be having ultrasounds and bloodwork every day that we're in Denver.

This morning, when I woke up, I was getting things ready for my shot. I wiped the countertop down with alcohol. Then I got out the two vials of meds: Menopur powder in one vial and a saline solution in the other vial. I flicked off the metal tops of the vials, revealing a rubber top. Then I wiped the rubber tops with the alcohol swabs. As I waited for the alcohol to dry, I opened the syringe with the 1.5 inch mixing needle. I took off the cap of the needle and stuck it through the center of the rubber top of the saline solution. I withdrew 1 cc of the saline solution and transferred it to the Menopur vial. The powder dissolved instantly. Then I turned the bottle upside down and withdrew all the solution into the syringe. Then I put the cap back on the needle and twisted it off. I then put the 0.5 inch 27 guage needle on the syringe. I flicked the air bubbles until they rose to the top and gently pushed the plunger until I got all the air bubbles out and saw a drop at the tip of the needle. Then I recapped the needle and set it on the countertop. And I assumed the position (I laid on my back our leather ottoman).

This is where Jerry comes in. Jerry wipes down a small area on my belly, near the belly button. Today, he chose the right side of my stomach to give the shot. After he wiped my skin, he fanned it dry. Then he pinched my skin (trust me, he didn't have trouble finding enough fat to pinch) and tapped it several times to find just the right spot. I find that it is less painful if the skin is a bit firmer when the needle is going in. Anyway, he found the spot where he's going to inject the medicine and he said he's sorry and that he loves me and OUCH! It hurt going in and it burned as the medicine was being injected and it still burned for a couple of minutes afterward.

I could tell that Jerry felt really bad for hurting me. After he gave me the shot, he asked me if I still love him. Of course I do! What a silly question. I guess he just feels really bad that I am having to go through IVF again. He freaked out last week while we were driving back home from his brother Tim's house and talked about canceling the IVF. I know how bad he feels and it just breaks my heart knowing that he is feeling all this guilt. I know it's not his fault that he has a genetic disorder that prevents him to have children the "regular" way. Ever since we found out about the Robertsonian Translocation, he's been wanting to find out how he got it. I don't blame him; I would want to know, too. However, the genetic counselor told us that there is no way of knowing without testing his siblings and/or his parents. So for now, we just don't know; and it looks like we will never know. I'm just hoping and praying that he gets closure to this issue when we have our baby in our arms.

Tonight, I get my Follistim injection. Jerry said that he remembers how to assemble the cartridge, so we'll see. At least I don't have to do any mixing. It's all prepared in the vial, and all Jerry has to do is to assemble the "pen" and that's it. For the subsequent injections, all he has to do is to change the needle.

Tomorrow, after I get my Menopur injection, we leave for Dallas. I'm not really sure how long it'll take to get there, as every time we mapquest it, we get a different number of hours travel time. I'm just hoping that we make it in time for me to get the evening injection. Otherwise, Jerry will have to give me the injection in a rest area or parking lot somewhere. Yikes!

I'm going to miss my cats so much. I know they'll be in good, capable hands. Special thanks to Carol and Jimmy and Jamie for taking care of our cats and house! And many thanks to everyone who's praying for us! God bless you!

The meds have arrived!

2008-06-24T14:07:00.005-05:00

This morning, I received my fertility meds via FedEx overnight. Gotta love the FedEx! It's like Christmas in June around here.

So Jerry and I opened the package and checked off the list of meds. Follistim Kit. Check. Cetrotide kit. Check. Menopur. Check. Prometrium. Check. Vivelle patches. Check. Medrol. Check. Tetracycline. Check. Various sizes of syrines, mixing needles, and injection needles. Check. And last but not least, biohazard waste container. Check. So it looks like everything's there.

The Follistim and Cetrotide have to be refridgerated, so I put them in plastic bags and placed them in the fridge. I put the other things in the cooler that we will be taking with us.

Jerry has to re-learn how to put together the Follistim injection kit. It's been two years exactly that he's last used the Follistim on me. He doesn't seem nervous though, so that's a good thing. He will have to learn how to put together the Cetrotide injections. The Menopur should be the same as the Repronex that I used for my first IVF. Menopur is just a more pure form of the ovarian stimulation drug.

I can't believe that yesterday was my last day of taking the birth control pills. Time goes by so quickly! It just seems like yesterday that I was just starting to take the pill. Jerry will give me my first injections this Saturday. Jerry will be giving me Menopur injections in the morning, at 7am to be precise. Then in the evening, he will give me the Follistim injections. The Menopur, I've heard, stings like the dickens. It's going to be long and drawn out because you have to go slowly while injecting the solution. I remember how the Repronex stung my belly two years ago. I'm not looking forward to that again. I didn't have much trouble with the Follistim. Short and quick.

On another note, we got the results from Shady Grove Genetics about Jerry's Robertsonian Translocation. You see, the new fertility doctor in Denver wants to make sure that Jerry does indeed have Robertsonian Translocation. It turns out that this local fertility doctor was correct in diagnosing it. Actually, he didn't diagnose it - he just sent out the blood to a lab and they diagnosed it. Anyway, 65% of Jerry's sperm has an unbalanced translocation. In other words, 65% of the sperm are duds. So at most we're working with 35% normals. Wow. That's depressing.

We are getting ready for our 3+ weeks trip to Denver. There are so many things I still have to do to get ready. We've never been away for so long, especially leaving our cats. Jerry's sister and her husband and their son have graciously offered to help us look after them while we're gone. Part of our hesitation in waiting this long to go to Denver is because of the animals. But I know they will be in good hands. I cannot thank them enough for doing us this huge favor.
God bless them!

The emotional rollercoaster has started

2008-06-10T10:27:00.002-05:00

So I've been on birth control pills now for 8 days now. I don't know what it is but my body does not like being on birth control. It's just so unnatural (but then so is IVF). I've only taken birth control pills 4 times in my life - each time for trying to get pregnant! How ironic is that?

This morning, I called the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) and made my ultrasound and lab appointments: 9:30am on July 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th. I have a physical July 3rd at 10am. My surgery to harvest the eggs is tentatively on July 9th. And on July 14th, the doctor will put in at least one embryo (he mentioned two or three depending on the quality). I will do the bed rest thing for 2 days, and then we start driving home on the 16th.

Before I started the birth control pills, things didn't seem real yet. But then after I took my first pill, I was like I can't believe I'm going to do IVF again. But then I was like I can still back out and not go through with this. And I've been wrestling with that thought for about a week now. But now after I made the appointments for the ultrasounds and labs, it just seems wow I'm going to do this again - I must want a baby really bad.

Part of the emotional rollercoaster is due to the fact that I do not want to hyperstim again. That was extremely painful, excruciating even. The ovaries are supposed to be the size of almonds. When I hyperstimmed (aka OHSS) back in July 2006 (under the care of a local fertility doctor here in Pensacola), my ovaries swelled to the size of grapefruits! I'm trying not to think about the pain that I went through, but I just can't help it sometimes. I'm really scared that it might happen again. I literally wanted to die or at least be put into a coma until it was all over. I made a deal with myself that I will never do this again - the IVF that is. But now look at me. I'm just asking for it!

My new fertility doctor in Denver said that he will do everything possible for me not to hyperstim again. By making me be on birth control pills more days (to suppress the ovaries), cutting the dosage of the stimulating meds (Repronex 75u, Follistim 75u), and triggering with Lupron instead of hCG, he's hoping to prevent hyperstim. I am counting on him and his staff to take care of me, so to speak.

Another part of my emotional turmoil is because I'm VERY Christian (Catholic Christian to be exact). Thou shall not kill is one of the commandents that comes to mind. With my first IVF, 9 out of 17 embryos were destroyed. How and why were they destroyed? They were destroyed by allowing them to stay in the petri dish and die. They were left to die because the genetic tests came back abnormal. We're not talking about babies having any issues such as Downs or something like that (those are survivable). We're talking about babies that will most likely not make it full term or if they do they will immediately die within a couple of hours after birth. And with the genetic testing, there is about a 10% error. So with those 9 embryos that were left to die, the tests could be wrong. That is what's eating me up inside... First of all, they were allowed to die. Secondly, that those babies that were killed could've been normal - we just didn't them a chance to live. I struggle with what I did every single day and I know that I will have to answer for it one day.

You're probably wondering what happened to the 8 "normal" embryos. They were frozen right away. I went back three times with this local fertility doctor doing what's called a Frozen Embryo Transfer (aka FET). The first time was canceled due to my body still wanting to ovulate even though I was on birth control pills; thus, it threw off the whole cycle. This local fertility doctor didn't have an in-house embryologist, so my cycle had to be timed to when he was going to be there. The second FET cycle, the doctor was cocky and put in only 1 embryo (a girl). BFN (big fat negative). The third FET cycle, the doctor put in 2 embryos (2 boys). Again, BFN. Each time right before he put the embryo(s) in my uterus, I asked him if the embryo(s) were normal and healthy. And each time, he assured me that they were 'very healthy.' LIAR!

We had a re-group appointment with this local fertility doctor. I showed him the pictures of the embryos that he put in my uterus. I asked him what the thought of them. He said that the pictures weren't clear and he couldn't tell anything. I was thinking to myself, if he couldn't tell anything from the pictures, how could he tell me that those embryos were "very healthy" before?? I also asked him if he's had ANY success with the frozen embryos (snow babies). In other words, I asked him if anyone has gotten pregnant and had a baby using their frozen embryos. He, of course, said yes. I had already looked up his statistics at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) website. (All of the fertility clinics have to post their stats with the CDC.) This local fertility doctor's stats said 0% success with frozen embryos. So he lied to me again! I then informed him that his IVF nurse coordinator told me the day before (she put me on hold to look up the documentation) that he's had no success in the frozen cycles. But she also said that it varies from individual to individual, which is understandable. But you would think that he would have at least one success. Anyway, she no longer works there. Hmmm...interesting.

When I went to see a new fertility doctor (CCRM) back in April of this year, I showed him the pictures of the embryos. He said that the pictures weren't really clear, but he could sort of see that there were something not quite right with the embryos, possibly due to being damaged during the genetic testing or the freezing method. He also said that the embryos' genetic tests weren't thorough. This local fertility doctor tested for only ONE out of the TWO known genetic abnormalities. So these "normal" embryos may not be "normal" after all. I'll post later on what we're doing with the 5 embryos left. Thankfully, they are no longer at this local fertility clinic. They have been transferred to Denver. And I feel so much better for that.

I'm just so disgusted with this local fertility doctor...Disgusted isn't even a strong enough word for what I feel for him. He (1) took our money - IVF/ICSI/PGD plus 3 frozen embryo cycles plus the meds don't come cheap - and (2) lied to us by telling us that the embryos were 'very healthy' and about having success with the frozen embryo cycles and (3) put us through such an emotional rollercoaster ride after every cycle.

I am just so thankful that I found another fertility doctor that I could trust. How did I find the one in Denver? Well, I was looking at the CDC site and came across CCRM. CCRM is rated the #1 fertility clinic in the United States. CCRM's stats are awesome! For someone in my age group, the percentage is 70% success! (That's three times more than this local fertility doctor.) Plus when we went there, I just got the warm and fuzzy feeling. :-)

Whew, this is such a long story (and I didn't cover half of it!); and thank you for reading it if you're read this far.

If you're the praying type, please pray for us! If not, then please send us positive vibes!

Let's get this started

2008-06-02T21:34:00.003-05:00

Ok. So I got my "schedule" for my 2nd and hopefully the last round of in vitro. I start the birth control pills tomorrow and continue taking them for 21 days. Then 5 days from the last last birth control pill, I start my stimulation shots. I will be on half the dosage of meds as my first IVF. So hopefully, I won't be a super egg producer like last time. I will have to start traveling to Denver on the 29th, so that I can be there by July 1st for my first ultrasound and blood work. Then I will have ultrasounds and blood work every day until the egg retrieval (egg harvesting surgery), which is tentatively scheduled for July 9th. Then the embryo transfer (putting the embryo in my uterus) will be on July 14th. We can start back home on the 16th. Then I wait 14 days to see if I'm pregnant.

So that's the logistics of it. Now come the emotions. I am TERRIFIED and EXCITED at the same time. I am terrified because of what happened to me the first time. I don't think I could survive another thing like that again. Seriously, that hurt so bad. Those that have given birth are probably thinking that I'm such a wuss. But let me tell you. The pain meds didn't even take the edge off. All it did was knock me out. And when I woke up, the pain was so excruciating that they had to knock me back out. After about 4 days of constant morphine drip in my IV (which they had to do a pic line because I was so dehydrated from throwing up due to the pain meds - see the vicious cycle?), they changed my med to dilauded. Even with the dilauded, I had to take anti-nausea meds (Zofran AND Reglan at the same time). The nurses at Baptist Hospital had never dealt with anyone who's hyperstimmed this bad before. My GYN was afraid that my ovaries would torse and she would have to do a hysterectomy. Thank God that didn't happen.

I'm excited because my new fertility doctor gave us a 65% chance of success. Just think. We could end up pregnant by the end of next month! Of course, I thought this same way when we did the first round of in vitro. So I'm trying not to get too overly excited. But sometimes I can't help myself. And because of the genetic testing, we will know the sex of the baby or babies right away... And I mean, RIGHT AWAY... on July 14th. How cool is that?

So stay tuned... :-)

In the beginning...

2008-05-27T16:12:00.002-05:00

I'm not very good at getting my thoughts and feelings written down. So bear with me. Most of my blogs will most likely be about the ups and downs of our infertility treatments. Some will be about my family and my in-laws. And I'll even post about our pets.

Shall we begin?

In May 2006, we went to see a local fertility doctor. That month we did what's called a trial cycle, where I would go to the doctor's office to labs and ultrasounds done on certain days of my cycle. The doctor even tested my husband. It comes to find out that we have male factor infertility. And not only does he have a nearly non-existent sperm count, my husband had a DNA karyotype (where they map out his chromosomes) done that shows he has a balanced translocation. It's called Robertsonian Translocation 13;15. That means that his chromosome 15 is attached to chromosome 13. It has no effect on my husband because he has all the genetic material needed. But it does have a profound effect on when he goes to reproduce, as he can contribute too many or not enough chromosomes. Without going into the whole genetic explanation (unless you want me to), only 2 out of the 6 combinations will yield a viable baby. Because of these two factors (low sperm count and translocation), we have to do IVF for a chance to have a biological baby. It was highly recommended that we do genetic testing on the embryos to minimize the risks of miscarriage.

In July 2006, we did IVF. My husband gave me shots in my belly 3 times a day for 12 days. Then when my eggs were done "cooking" (according to the blood work and ultrasounds) the doctor retrieved them. I had 34 follicles and the doctor retrieved 23 eggs. I've always wondered what happened to the other 11. Anyway... by the end of it all, it turns out that 18 eggs were fertilized. On day 3, only 17 embryos made it to genetic testing (PGD). The genetic testing takes about one day. After the PGD, the doctor told us that we had 8 normal embryos (5 boys & 3 girls). By this time, I was in severe pain. It was perhaps the worst pain that I've ever felt in my entire life. It felt like there were sharp knives in my belly and they were just floating around in there slicing and dicing my internal organs. I remember the doctor asking my husband what was more important...the pain or having a baby. What? Of course the pain! Needless to say, I was hospitalized for over a week. So it was a freeze-all cycle, meaning that all 8 embryos were frozen because I could not have them transferred to my uterus.

Since then, we did 3 frozen embryo cycles. All negative. So we had a meeting with the doctor to discuss what to do next, as we have 5 frozen embryos left (2 girls and 3 boys). We lost confidence in the doctor and got angry because he was telling us a bunch of lies to cover his own behind.

So we decided to seek out another fertility doctor. We found the top rated fertility clinic in the United States, and that's who we're going to for another IVF in a couple of months. We've transferred the remaining 5 frozen embryos to Denver, and the embryologist there will re-do the genetic testing on those embryos (as there was a question if these embryos that were deemed normal actually were normal or not). More about that later.

Wish us luck!